A Conservative Thanksgiving II: Giving thanks for this years bounty of heroes, pinheads, etc.

WorldNetDaily ^ | 11-24-03 | Doug Powers

[WrightOnTarget]

Last year, just before Thanksgiving, I used this space to give thanks to heroes, people who made us think, laugh or exposed hypocrisy. This year, "a conservative Thanksgiving" is again going to go around the table expressing gratitude just as everyone begins to, appropriately enough, consume the world's dumbest animal.

We give thanks for those brave souls in the military who are helping people worldwide reach their goals – America's goal of remaining free, and the terrorists' goal of achieving martyrdom. Those yappy ingrates you hear in constant criticism are the likes of Susan Sarandon and Michael Moore. We give thanks for your fighting for their right to yammer away in dissent, and also for your understanding that those same people will hide behind you when trouble starts.

We give thanks for Ted Kennedy for once again proving what he really is. Ted not only managed to run Bush's court nominees out on a rail, but he also called them "Neanderthals." Ted tends to get upset when he thinks somebody has trodden too close to his own turf. There is no guessing as to why old honey-glazed-ham-head doesn't like these judges. It has nothing to do with the fact that one of them was African-American (Ted's not racist – I hear one of his gardeners is Mexican). It's about ideology, jealousy and fear. These judges are conservative, achieved their positions upon their own merit, and have had real jobs most of their lives. Kennedy has no understanding of any of those three things, and thus kicked them down.

We give thanks for all the good parents in America. Believe it or not, there are still plenty of them. The purpose of properly raised kids is twofold: 1) They'll be able to succeed in an ever competitive environment and contribute to society, and 2) Success should make them far less likely to, in their later years after growing impatient waiting to inherit your money, sneak up to you in the middle of the night and put a kink in your oxygen hose.

We give thanks for the nine Democratic presidential candidates. When they debate, sparks fly – unfortunately for them, they're on the Hindenburg. These people are hereby made "honorary turkeys" on this Thanksgiving. Some are an "honorary turkey" for resemblance, some for how they sound, and all because they join their feathered brothers in proving that some creatures can run around for quite some time without a head.

We give thanks for somebody finally doing something about Michael Jackson. Of course, we don't know if the accusations are entirely true, but I have a feeling that a lot of little fellas will sleep better at night with Michael out of the prepubescent dating loop.

We give thanks for all of the Hollywood leftists who somehow manage to be vehemently opposed to all wars, and yet are able to shamelessly make millions of dollars depicting those very acts on celluloid. Actors who accuse others of personally profiting from war, while they're standing in line at Malibu Bank & Trust to deposit a check for their role in "Saving Private Ryan," "Apocalypse Now," "Platoon" or the hundreds of others, had better rethink their position. If there were no war, Hollywood would have only about half of its current financial girth – which, come to think of it, is the best anti-war argument I've ever heard.

We give thanks for the battle between those who used to be traditional political bedfellows: Democrats in Congress and the American Association of Retired Persons. AARP's endorsement of a Republican Medicare overhaul has Democrats in the senate furious that their longtime ally has cheated on them with their archenemy – akin to FDR catching Eleanor inflagrante delicto with Eva Braun. Hunker down ... the geezers in Depends are ready to do battle – so is the AARP.

We give thanks for attorneys everywhere for their contribution to the field of science, because they have single-handedly revised Newton's Third Law to read, "for every action, there must be an equal but opposite lawsuit."

We give thanks for the Bush family. At long last, a political dynasty whose wives don't need to install a LoJack system in their husbands' shorts, can tell the difference between a car and a boat, and have brothers who don't take a giddy leap over the ropes into the fornication ring for a spirited match of tag-team adultery with Hollywood bimbos.

Finally, we give thanks for FOX News. There is one downside, however. If their "information combined with sex appeal" approach keeps raking in the ratings, don't be surprised if you soon see Dan Rather in lip-gloss and a push-up bra.

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By Doug Powers

[Levante]

"...just as everyone begins to, appropriately enough, consume the world's dumbest animal."

Oh. I thought Michael Moore was the world's dumbest animal.