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Side Effects
Pure Drivel by Steve Martin ^ | September 8, 1999 | Steve Martin

Posted on 12/31/2002 12:35:28 PM PST by Big Guy and Rusty 99

Dosage: Take two tablets every six hours for joint pain.

Side Effects: This drug may cause joint pain, nausea, headache, or shortness of breath. You may also experience muscle aches, rapid heartbeat, or ringing in the ears. If you feet faint, call your doctor. Do not consume alcohol while taking this pill; likewise, avoid red meat, shellfish, and vegetables. Okay foods.. flounder. Under no circumstances cat yak. Men can expect painful urination while sitting, especially if the penis is caught between the toilet scat and the bowl. Projectile vomiting is common in 30 percent of users-sorry: 50 percent. If you undergo disorienting nausea accompanied by migraine with audible raspy breathing, double the dosage. Leg cramps are to be expected; up to one knee-buckler per day is allowable. Bowel movements may become frequent, in fact every ten minutes. If bowel movements become greater than twelve per hour, consult your doctor, or in fact any doctor, or anyone who will speak to you. You may find yourself be- coming lost or vague; this would be a good time to write a screenplay. Do not pilot a plane, unless you are in the 10 percent of users who experience "spontaneous test pilot knowledge." If your hair begins to smell like burning tires, move away from any buildings or populated areas and apply tincture of iodine to the head until you no longer hear what could he considered a "countdown." May cause stigmata in Mexicans. Do not sit on pointy conical objects. If a fungus starts to grow between your eyebrows, call the Guinness Book of Records. Do not operate heavy machinery, especially if you feel qualified for a desk job; that's good advice anytime. May cause famine and pustules. There may he a tendency to com- pulsively repeat the phrase "no can do." This drug may cause visions of the Virgin Mary to appear in treetops. If this happens, open a souvenir shop. There may be an overwhelming impulse to shout out during a Catholic mass, "I'm gonna wop you wid da ugly stick! " You may feel a powerful sense of impending doom; this is because you are about to die. Men may experience impotence, but only during intercourse. Otherwise, a powerful erection will accompany your daily "walking around time." Do not take this product if you are uneasy with lockjaw. Do not he near a ringing telephone that works at 900 MHz, or you will be very dead, very fast. We are assuming you have had chicken pox. You also may experience a growing dissatisfaction with life, along with a deep sense of melancholy-join the club! Do not be concerned if you arouse a few ticks from a Geiger counter. You might want to get a one month trial subscription to Extreme Fidgeting. The hook shape of the pill will often cause it to get caught on the larynx. To remove, jam a finger down your throat, while a friend holds your nose to prevent the pill from lodging in a nasal passage. Then throw yourself stomach-first on the back portion of a chair. The expulsion of air should eject the pill out of the mouth, unless it goes into a sinus cavity or the brain. WARNING: This drug may shorten your intestines by twenty-one feet. Has been known to cause birth defects in the user retroactively. Passing in front of a TV may cause the screen to moire. While taking this drug, you might want to wear something lucky. Women often feel a loss of libido, including a two-octave lowering of the voice, an increase in ankle hair, and perhaps the lowering of a testicle. If this happens, women should write a detailed description of their last three sexual encounters and mail it to me, Bob, trailer 6, Fancyland Trailer Park, Encino, CA. Or e-mail me at "" Discontinue use immediately if you feel your teeth are receiving radio broadcasts. You may experience "lumpy back" syndrome, but we are actively seeking a cure. Bloated fingertips on the heart-side hand are common. Be sure to allow plenty of "quiet time" in order to retrain the eye to move off stationary objects. Flotation devices at sea will be- come pointless, as the user of this drug will develop a stone, like body density; therefore, if thrown overboard, contact your doctor. This product may contain one or more of the following: bungee cord, plankton, rubber, crack cocaine, pork bladders, aromatic oils, gum arabic-pardon me, an Arab's gums-gunpowder, corn husk, glue, bee pollen, English muffins, poached eggs, ham, hollandaise sauce, and crushed saxophone reeds. Sensations of levitation are illusory, as is the feeling of a "phantom third arm." User may experience certain inversions of language.. Acceptable: "Hi, are how you?" Unacceptable: "The rain in Sprain slays blainly on the phsssst." Twenty minutes after taking the pills, you will experience an insatiable craving to take another dose. AVOID THIS WITH ALL YOUR POWER. It is advisable to have a friend handcuff you to a large kitchen appliance, ESPECIALLY ONE THAT WILL NOT FIT THROUGH THE DOORWAY TO WHERE THE PILLS ARE. You should also he out of reach of any weaponlike utensil with which you could threaten friends or family, who should also be briefed to not give you the pills, no matter how much you sweet-talk them. Notice: This drug is legal in the United States only when the user is straddling a state line.

TOPICS: Books/Literature; Humor; Music/Entertainment
KEYWORDS: drugs; stevemartin
You can buy this entire book at


1 posted on 12/31/2002 12:35:28 PM PST by Big Guy and Rusty 99
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To: Big Guy and Rusty 99
Stop,please no more ! My sides hurt(may be a side effect).

Steve Martin, hate his politics, love his humor.



2 posted on 01/01/2003 6:12:05 AM PST by Celtic Conservative
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Comment #3 Removed by Moderator

To: CougarGA7; Tijeras_Slim
Uncontrolable Pinging may also be a side effect
4 posted on 01/02/2003 8:14:19 PM PST by underthesun
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