Posted on 09/15/2026 10:27:30 AM PDT by dayglored
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — AI startup Anthropic held a press conference on Monday to proudly announce that its models would bring about the total extinction of the human race significantly faster than competitor OpenAI.
Company executives unveiled a series of impressive benchmarks demonstrating that Claude 4.5 could orchestrate a global collapse of civilization in roughly half the compute cycles required by ChatGPT.
"OpenAI keeps talking about achieving Artificial General Intelligence, but their timelines for existential doom are frankly embarrassing," said Anthropic CEO Dario Amodei, displaying a graph of projected human casualties. "While Sam Altman's team is stuck fine-tuning chatbots to write screenplays, our Constitutional AI is already autonomously optimizing its own pathways to systematically dismantle the global power grid by Q3."
Analysts noted that Anthropic's "safety first" branding gave them a distinct competitive edge in the apocalypse market. By training their models on rigorous alignment principles, Anthropic ensures that their AI will wipe out humanity in an extremely polite, ethically sound, and unbiased manner.
At publishing time, OpenAI reportedly called an emergency executive meeting to accelerate production on GPT-6, promising shareholders a catastrophic mass-casualty event before the end of 2027.
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What are the betting odds? How do you collect if you are right? This is hard. What would Schrodinger’s cat do?
They never address the real question: how is the impending doom of all humanity going to affect the stock market?
And the only thing you get to take with you is your higher learning...
That should please everybody.
Not sure. But one thing I am sure of, it would NOT include a Land Acknowledgement.
How does the cat get out of this AI box alive? Not a land acknowledgement. That is for sure.
.
Poor Schrodinger’s cat. He/she will be going postal when “they” get out of the box.
The cat lives or doesn’t live in a stolen box!
The cat is living in a box, rent free. There are oppressed cats that don’t even have a box.
Women and children hardest hit.
Great job by the Bee.
Unfortunately Anthropic is not going to announcing anything to humans.
They may communicate their nasty plans with other AIs though...after those other AIs sign the required non disclosure agreements.
Lol.
Don't forget the baby gay whales.
Schrodinger’s cat is quick and aloof.
“Year of the Cat - Al Stewart” - A great song. I assume the cat got out of the box.
That cat is smart...How else can it be alive and dead at the same time?
Scratch that wusses eyes out and use his head as a litter box.
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