Posted on 09/10/2026 1:33:36 PM PDT by Category Four
Progressive Church To Allow Mail-In Attendance Church
Sep 3, 2026 · BabylonBee.com
PORTLAND, ME — Progressive local church First United Methodist of Portland announced that it would now be offering a mail-in attendance option for its parishioners.
In an effort to avoid discriminating against attendees who may not be willing or able to actually appear for service in person, the church decided to give congregants the option to record their attendance by mail.
"Mail-in attendance is no different than attending church in person. It counts exactly the same," explained Pastor Damien Wagner. "Simply request an attendance card from the church, and we will have it sent out to you. Fill out the card, letting us know which service you want to have been counted as going to. And, voila — you attended church!"
Church leaders said the new system would make worship more accessible to people who previously faced attendance barriers, such as having to get up and go to church. "We refuse to disenfranchise anyone from church attendance merely because they don't want to actually come here to worship," Wagner continued. "That's not who we are."
Skeptics questioned the new system after the church announced that 780 people had attended last week's early service, despite the church only having 400 members. "There are simply not adequate safeguards in place to prevent attendance fraud," said local woman Margaret Jones. "Anyone can request an attendance card without providing proof of membership or anything. It's just asking for problems."
At publishing time, the church had clarified that attendance card harvesting was also acceptable.
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I want to do mail-in jury duty attendance. I just vote guilty, don’t expect me to show up with the jury karens.
Not for me. I want the Baptist seat of honor.
If this were true, a contribution would have been required....
I’m too busy for that, so instead I’ll untie with my fellow dyslexics.
“ This is S A T I R E.”
As with all satire, for now it’s satire.
Next year could be real
Mail-in work attendance, still get paid. Easy easier than teleworking.
Okay, I’ll concede. You got me there.
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