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9 Terrifying Changes Bari Weiss Is Making At CBS News
Babylon Bee ^ | October 6, 2025 | Staff

Posted on 10/07/2025 4:59:50 PM PDT by Twotone

Journalist Bari Weiss has taken over CBS news, which may be the end of journalism as we know it. Sources say she is already making aggressive changes to the network.

Here is a list of terrifying changes she presented to her employees:

1. Effective immediately, each journalist gets three libels and you're out: This is unreasonably strict.

2. Going forward, reporters are required to include at least one true fact in all stories: This could slow down news production drastically.

3. Feelings no longer count as a valid source: Sources have to be actual living people.

4. Style change when writing the name "Obama": The name will no longer be followed with "may he live for ever."

5. Anchor Scott Pelley will be required to wear a clown nose every time he's on the air: What a terrible way to treat a very serious and totally trusted journalist.

6. The "CBS Employees Sharing AI Images Of Trump Being Murdered Discord Server" will be shut down: Now what are they supposed to do on their lunch break?

7. 60 Minutes will no longer release selectively edited interviews: Thousands of editing jobs will vanish. This is literal fascism.

8. All reporters will be required to wear fedoras with a card that says "PRESS" stuck in the ribbon: This is expected to greatly improve the quality of their journalism.

9. More pictures of Spider-Man!: That man is a menace!

It appears Bari Weiss is about to unleash a veritable journalist's holocaust over at CBS News. We wish those poor reporters well.


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: babylonbee; bariweiss; cbs; cbsnews; freepress; thefreepress

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1 posted on 10/07/2025 4:59:50 PM PDT by Twotone
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To: Twotone
I liked #8:


2 posted on 10/07/2025 5:04:12 PM PDT by Dr. Sivana ("Whatsoever he shall say to you, do ye." (John 2:5))
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To: Twotone
2. Going forward, reporters are required to include at least one true fact in all stories: This could slow down news production drastically.

Does this mean they are going to stop with the AI slop stories based on posts from "FakedIt"?

Oh no!

What are all the people who turn "pale" going to do? Quick, "everybody clap" if you believe in fiction!

3 posted on 10/07/2025 5:06:16 PM PDT by Harmless Teddy Bear (It's like somebody just put the Constitution up on a wall …. and shot the First Amendment -Mike Rowe)
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To: Twotone

LOL!


4 posted on 10/07/2025 5:16:50 PM PDT by Dawgreg
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To: Twotone
3. Feelings no longer count as a valid source: Sources have to be actual living people.

Hopefully she throws in that 'living people' doesn't include the so called 'journalist' one desk over...

5 posted on 10/07/2025 5:47:10 PM PDT by GOPJ (Criminals are an important part of democrat strategy. <P><I><B><big><center></B>)
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To: Twotone

Bari Weiss is “married” to a woman, Nellie Bowles.


6 posted on 10/07/2025 6:24:56 PM PDT by Angelino97
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To: Twotone

It took me until #8 to stop and think: is this the Bee?


7 posted on 10/07/2025 6:59:34 PM PDT by BarbM (Men who look at porn are impotent for God.)
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To: Angelino97

Plausibly Anti-Semitic Counter, +1.


8 posted on 10/07/2025 7:06:20 PM PDT by Uncle Miltie (PLAUSIBLY ANTI-SEMITIC POSTS: Hardspunned 90% Nitzy 88% Right_In_Virginia 84% Liz 50% Mac_Truck 32%)
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To: Twotone

What’s all this 5 ‘W’s’ & an ‘H’ thing about? What’s wrong with relaying what was given to the editor to print or broadcast? Shoes are too expensive to go wearing out asking people actual questions.


9 posted on 10/07/2025 10:41:57 PM PDT by MikelTackNailer (Don't confuse me with the facts; I have an agenda to grind.)
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To: Twotone

Did Barry Wiess quit Storage Wars?


10 posted on 10/08/2025 4:55:38 AM PDT by weezel
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