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Texan Republicans Tip Off State Department That Austin Has Nuclear Weapons
babylonbee.com ^

Posted on 06/20/2025 10:45:30 AM PDT by V_TWIN

WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources within the Trump administration, Texas Republicans tipped off the State Department about the city of Austin being in possession of nuclear weapons.

Senator Ted Cruz of Texas was seen meeting with Secretary of State Marco Rubio at the Harry S. Truman Building to discuss the danger of Austin obtaining nuclear weapons and what measures should be taken to prevent the situation from growing more dangerous.

"I have it under good authority that they have nukes buried underground there somewhere," Cruz said, conveying a message he received from Texas Governor Greg Abbott. "He wouldn't lie. He's in a wheelchair."

Speculation persisted that Texas Republicans were merely tired of their Democrat-leaning capital city and wanted it nuked from orbit so they could move the state's capital to San Antonio. An alleged leaked phone call from the governor's office to state representatives indicated that Republicans believed it was the only way to truly remember the Alamo and rescue Texas from the "woke mind virus."

President Trump had not yet said if he would take any action against Austin for having nuclear weapons. "I prefer to make up my mind a second before I do anything," said Trump. "I can't tell you because I haven't made up my mind yet. But nothing is off the table, up to and including the complete annihilation of every man, woman, and child in Austin."

At publishing time, Tesla CEO Elon Musk announced plans to relocate his companies' operations however far from Austin as would be necessary to be outside of the blast radius.


TOPICS: Chit/Chat
KEYWORDS: babylonbee; satire

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1 posted on 06/20/2025 10:45:30 AM PDT by V_TWIN
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To: V_TWIN
"...the complete annihilation of every man, woman, and child in Austin."

It's a start. Keep Texas red.

2 posted on 06/20/2025 10:50:05 AM PDT by Libloather (Why do climate change hoax deniers live in mansions on the beach?)
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To: V_TWIN

Just reinforcing the feat that Trump just wants to genocide leftists.


3 posted on 06/20/2025 10:51:17 AM PDT by AndyJackson
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To: V_TWIN
We can't let Austin become a nuclear power with longhorn strike capability. Especially while the nearby College Station death cult believes in the 12th Imam Man.
4 posted on 06/20/2025 10:52:44 AM PDT by Tell It Right (1 Thessalonians 5:21 -- Put everything to the test, hold fast to that which is true.)
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To: V_TWIN

Austin is definitely in need of regime change…..and citizenry change….and probably cat, dog, and goldfish change as well. Can’t be too careful with this despicable member of the Austin, Boulder, Madison, Sedona, San Francisco axis of evil.


5 posted on 06/20/2025 10:58:06 AM PDT by noiseman (The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.)
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To: noiseman

Chapel Hill


6 posted on 06/20/2025 11:00:25 AM PDT by HIDEK6 (God bless Donald Trump)
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To: HIDEK6
Chapel Hill

Thank you for seeing something and saying something. We’ll add them to the watchlist.

7 posted on 06/20/2025 11:03:29 AM PDT by noiseman (The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.)
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To: V_TWIN; All
What about this ?!?!?!

8 posted on 06/20/2025 11:07:49 AM PDT by mabarker1 ((Congress- the opposite of PROGRESS!!! I’m a fraud, hypocrite & liar. I'm a member of Congress!! )
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To: V_TWIN

San Antonio is too liberal. They should move the capital to Lubbock.


9 posted on 06/20/2025 11:36:33 AM PDT by smokingfrog ( sleep with one eye open (<o> --- )
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To: V_TWIN
It's the South... Austin has Nucular weapons!

-PJ

10 posted on 06/20/2025 11:38:10 AM PDT by Political Junkie Too ( * LAAP = Left-wing Activist Agitprop Press (formerly known as the MSM))
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To: V_TWIN

With all the sleeper cells Biden&Co. allowed in it may not have to be the babylonbee.com after all?.


11 posted on 06/20/2025 12:03:42 PM PDT by Vaduz
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To: noiseman

Sedona??

Santa Fe, for sure.


12 posted on 06/20/2025 12:39:19 PM PDT by doorgunner69
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To: V_TWIN

given the strange lefty political scene in Austin, it would not be surprising


13 posted on 06/20/2025 1:53:58 PM PDT by faithhopecharity ("Politicians aren't born, they're excreted." Marcus Tullius Cicero (106 to 43 BCE))
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To: V_TWIN

This one almost got me. 😄😂


14 posted on 06/20/2025 2:20:08 PM PDT by Allegra (ICE, ICE, Baby!)
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To: HIDEK6
Chapel Hill

The bluebonnets there are more plentiful and colorful there every spring.

Radiation, maybe? 🤔😏

15 posted on 06/20/2025 2:22:38 PM PDT by Allegra (ICE, ICE, Baby!)
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To: doorgunner69
Sedona??

Santa Fe, for sure.

Sedona is new ager lefty central. They may spend more time talking about “vortexes” and “ balancing your energy centers” than rampaging through the streets, but Sedona is famously chock full of left wing nuts.

However, it’s also jaw-droppingly beautiful and a great place to relax and get away.

16 posted on 06/20/2025 5:20:11 PM PDT by noiseman (The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.)
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