Lori Lightfoot Blames Election Loss On 'Tricksy Hobbitses'

Babylon Bee ^ | Mar 1, 2023 | Babylon Bee Staff

[dayglored]

CHICAGO, IL — After suffering a humiliating defeat in Chicago's mayoral election, Lori Lightfoot blamed her stunning loss on "those tricksy hobbitses."

"They stole it from us!!" wailed Ms. Lightfoot. "Nasty, tricksy little hobbitses!!"

The campaign watched the disastrous results come in from a dimly lit sushi restaurant, where the enraged Ms. Lightfoot gorged herself on juicy-sweet raw fish. "Gone!! It's gone, precious!!" cried Ms. Lightfoot to supporters. "Filthy, sneaky hobbitses!! Wicked, tricky, false! Curse them! CURSE THEM!!!"

Long considered the electoral frontrunner, Ms. Lightfoot saw her lead evaporate as supporters became steadily more concerned about being murdered. "I just don't want to die," said local woman Brandi Buckingham. "I can look past a lot with Lori Lightfoot - the eyes, how she walks on all fours, all of it. I just can't look past the whole murder thing. I know she'll take the loss hard, but I really hope she finds a new path forward."

At publishing time, aides for the two campaigns heading to a runoff reported the strange sense that some sort of creature was following them.

[dayglored]

IT'S THE BEE!

[DIRTYSECRET]

I’ll say it again-she’s ugly.

[dayglored]

> ...the enraged Ms. Lightfoot gorged herself on juicy-sweet raw fish. "Gone!! It's gone, precious!!" cried Ms. Lightfoot to supporters...

Damn near lost my bladder laughing at that one.

[Skwor]

She was herd muttering *golem*golem* between breaths as well.

[high info voter]

Well of course the lunatic is going to speak out!!

Good riddance!

[COBOL2Java]

Long considered the electoral frontrunner, Ms. Lightfoot saw her lead evaporate as supporters became steadily more concerned about being murdered. "I just don't want to die," said local woman Brandi Buckingham. "I can look past a lot with Lori Lightfoot - the eyes, how she walks on all fours, all of it. I just can't look past the whole murder thing. I know she'll take the loss hard, but I really hope she finds a new path forward."

LOL

[Opinionated Blowhard]

I know the Bee is a satire site, but reality is much funnier in this case - she blamed it on racism and misogyny. Now THAT is funny.

[dayglored]

More Babylon Bee Lightfoot satire here:

Lightfoot Loss Blamed On Rampant Murderphobia

CHICAGO, IL — Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot lost her bid for reelection this week in what Lightfoot and other critics are calling a blatant example of the rampant murderphobia that still exists among residents of the city...

[GOPJ]

"And with that, even as Lori Lightfoot's eyes were lifted up to sob about her lost prize, she stepped too far, toppled, wavered for a moment on the brink of crazy, and then with a shriek fell into madness.

Out of the depths of her last wail came the words, "RACISTS - they're all RACISTS" and then she was gone.”

[Noumenon]

When it comes to voters, she likes them fresh and wriggling.

[no-to-illegals]

Are people certain that their failing to say “Beetle-Juice” three times didn’t end it ???

[silent_jonny]

Ms. Lightfoot saw her lead evaporate as supporters became steadily more concerned about being murdered.

LOL--funny because it's true!

[Carriage Hill]

Almost had me on this one.

[blackdog]

Oh, the best laugh I’ve had in a while.

[freedumb2003]

>>IT’S THE BEE!<<

I think they actually reported it word for word this time.

[Allegra]

😂🤣😂🤣

[darkangel82]

BB’s best column in a while 🤣

[larrytown]

Yep - she’ll have to go back to her nightjob as administrator of the western faction of the Esoteric Order of Dagon. That Lake Michigan has some really deep sections...

[Lockbox]

Can anyone define “ tricksy hobbitses”?

[Leep]

She got a lot of work to do to only be considered ugly.