Posted on 02/20/2020 9:23:06 AM PST by jonascord
NEW YORK, NY—The Bloomberg News Editorial Board has endorsed Mike Bloomberg for president.
While other publications are endorsing multiple candidates or communists, Bloomberg Opinion says they've found the right man for the job: Mike Bloomberg.
"He's a really swell guy," wrote the editorial team. "We always have a good time when good ol' Mike is around. His ideas are great, dogs and children love him, and honestly, it's our completely unbiased opinion that he's just the #1 man for the job. Vote Mike Bloomberg!"
The team listed some of his greatest accomplishments:
A record score of 18 on the golf course
Learning to drive before he was four years old
Graduating with several doctorate degrees by the time he turned 16
Advocating for minorities and civil rights
Bringing police officers and black people together
Eradicating soda drinking from the galaxy
Planting an entire 400-acre cornfield with his bare hands
Winning World War I
Winning World War II
Winning World War III (all but guaranteed to happen)
Taming a wild bull and teaching it to speak Farsi
"Oh yeah, and he's absolutely human and definitely not a robot."
Wow, Big Surprise, I guess they will get nice bonuses this year.
“Imagine my shock”.
Bloomberg endorsed Bloomberg? This is a stuning development!
WHAT!!?
I’m sure this will happen in reality.
Gotta be fake news!
Sucked in by the “Bee” again.
They’re doing a fine job navigating the “satire is reality” era.
Bloomberg said farmer's are stupid but he is so smart he even got his computer terminal to give blow jobs.
Oops, I read that too fast.......though the team said Bloomberg “tamed his wild balls and taught them Farsi.”
AND I QUOTE: "You know you're a winner when you are drawing attacks from all the candidates.
Everyone came to destroy Mike tonight. It didn’t happen. He was just warming up."
Not sure this was satire after reading it.
RE: Bloomberg Editorial Board Endorses Mike Bloomberg
How is this different from the Chinese Communist Party endorsing Xi Jin Ping?
Dang the Babylon Bee. The stuff they write is so close to the truth I get sucked into half the story before I realize it’s a gag. Even then I have to go back and check the source. Great, GREAT publication.
oh, I’m sure they put a lot of thought into that decision, right?
A score of 18 in golf? He’s the first person other than Kim Jong Il to get more than one “hole-in-one” in the same game.
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