Posted on 01/22/2019 2:25:00 PM PST by sodpoodle
BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!
FREE PUPPIES 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE ...
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie
FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
Statement of the Century Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Children Are Quick ______________________________ ______
TEACHER: Why are you late? STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. (I Love this child)
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago WINNIE: Me!
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his? CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher
Probably old, but they're still funny;) God bless
Had some of those..............
Behind every angry woman is a man that doesn’t know what he did wrong.
OK. Here’s one. This guy Ted was married to Joan for 45 years. Joan died. Five years later Ted was on his deathbed. His priest came to visit him, heard his confession and administered the last rites. Afterwards they chatted a bit and Ted began to nod off. The priest took it as the signal to leave Ted and allow him to sleep. Before he did he patted Ted on the hand and said “ Well Ted, soon you will be joining Joan for all of eternity.” With that Ted’s eyes opened wide and he turns to the priest and says “ Look Father at my wedding I agreed to till death do us part. There was nothing in that vow about eternity.”
OK. Here’s one. This guy Ted was married to Joan for 45 years. Joan died. Five years later Ted was on his deathbed. His priest came to visit him, heard his confession and administered the last rites. Afterwards they chatted a bit and Ted began to nod off. The priest took it as the signal to leave Ted and allow him to sleep. Before he did he patted Ted on the hand and said “ Well Ted, soon you will be joining Joan for all of eternity.” With that Ted’s eyes opened wide and he turns to the priest and says “ Look Father at my wedding I agreed to till death do us part. There was nothing in that vow about eternity.”
(LOL)^10
I must be British. These were great.
Today’s Enigmas courtesy of and a hat tip to Ed.
(1) Isn’t it weird that in America, our flag and our culture offend so many people, but our benefits don’t?
(2) How can the federal government ask U.S. citizens to pay back student loans, when illegal aliens are receiving a free education?
(3) Only in America are legal citizens labeled “racists” and “Nazis,” but illegal aliens are called “Dreamers.”
(4) Liberals say, “If confiscating all guns saves just one life, it’s worth it.” Well then, if deporting all illegals saves just one life, wouldn’t that be worth it?
(5) I can’t quite figure out how you can proudly wave the flag of another country but then you consider it punishment to be sent back there.
(6) The Constitution: It doesn’t need to be rewritten; it needs to be reread.
(7) William F. Buckley said: “Liberals claim to want to give a hearing to other points of view and are then shocked and offended when they discover there are other points of view.”
(8) Joseph Sobran said: “’Need’ now means wanting someone else’s money ‘Greed’ means wanting to keep your own. ‘Compassion’ is when a politician arranges the transfer.”
(9) Florida has had 119 hurricanes since 1850, but some people still insist the last one was due to climate change.
You can’t fix stupid, no matter how much duct tape you use!
Some say that we should stop killing Ducks to make Duck Tape. And THEY VOTE….SCARY!
Btt
A Moslem runs up to his Imam and says “Last night I found this beautiful woman by the railroad tracks. I took her back to my tent and we made love in all the ways Allah allows.”
“Well my son, her face must reflect the glory of his sunset!”
“I don’t know - I never found her head.”
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