The 15 Creepiest Vintage Ads Of All Time

Retro Comedy ^ | Wednesday, July 1, 2009

[the_devils_advocate_666]

What do murder, pedophilia, suicide and a baby tiger have in common? They have all been used to sell stuff in these amazingly disturbing vintage ads!

These are real, untouched advertisements from the good old days. It doesn't matter if it's lovely ladies or adorable clowns, somehow these old-time ad wizards found ways to traumatize us while pedaling everyday products.

Enjoy them now, call your therapist later!

15. White Bread Demon
"Bread is swell, but what I'm really excited about is eating jelly made from the blood of the innocent!"


14. French Suicide Sausage
It's enough to make you want to eat Kosher forever.


13. A Girl Around The House
It's nice to have a girl around the house... especially if you are a psychopath serial killer who makes women into rugs!



12. Chubby
Who needs self-esteem when you can have a free fashion book for chubbies? Also, proving that advertising weight representation has always been screwed up, the girl pictured is totally not chubby.


11. Christmas Weapons
The family that guns together, has funs together.



10. Eye patch. Shirt. Baby Tiger.
Sexy?


9. Chase & Sandborn Spanking
She totally deserves it. Seriously, what kind of woman doesn't "store test" for fresher coffee?


8. Fry's Chocolate Nightmare
Nothing wants to make consumers buy chocolate more than 5 faces of a sickly kid looking 5 different shades of miserable.


7. Root Beer Baby!
Mama, please DO NOT give your baby another glass of Root Beer. It is clearly doing something horrible to him. He is terrifying.



6. Locked Out
You better wash out your privates with Lysol, or your husband will install cartoon locks on the door.


5. Pears Soap Disaster
"Pears Soap- now with such a soothing lather, you won't notice that your baby has gotten into a horrible accident!"


4. Postage Meter Murder
"Is it always illegal to kill a woman?" This is a truly important question and makes us want to buy a new postage meter.


3. Shave Yourself
The old man baby's gonna sing karaoke into a razor! Hooray!


2. Baby Soft
JonBenét Ramsey, eat your heart out. (Too soon?) This ad makes us want to scream, gouge out our eyes and then barf.


1. Chocolate Poulain
Drink that cocoa, or this clown will murder you in your sleep.


Special thanks to Weirdomatic, Livejournal & the fabulous Plan 59 !

[GOPJ]

You think this stuff is funny? And you have a “God” tag? Kind of trollish...

[AUJenn]

Ha! Oh my...

Here is an article/ad in an old 1950s Housekeeping magazine about how to be a good wife. It is quite amusing. Some tips are fine IMO, but some are a little condescending!

http://kmwithjeanne.files.wordpress.com/2006/08/goodhousekeeping.jpg

[Red in Blue PA]

LOL!

[xsmommy]

yes, because we all BAWL for electrical appliances don’t we??? LMAO!

[Marysecretary]

I love this ad. That period had some classics. I had one in my shop of a little boy with his hand in his diaper. I don’t remember exactly what it said, but it referred to his Mail Pouch. It was an ad for Mail Pouch tobacco. So clever...

[Barb4Bush]

Is that a TWIX? I used to use one back in the 70’s.

[Red in Blue PA]

[xsmommy]

OMG is that supposed to be a DOUCHE or something, made by LYSOL???

[Clemenza]

I LOVE the Daisy ad! I see NOTHING WRONG WITH IT.

I'm actually old enough to remember the Love "pedophilia" ad. It came out a few years before we started getting hip the the evils of child porn.

[COBOL2Java]

The chubby section was where I did pretty much all of my shopping when I was a kid, it was considered an inoffensive way of alluding to fat kids.

For me it meant shopping in the "Husky Boy's" section...

[SoftballMominVA]

Little Man needs to cut back on the Nembutal

[Marysecretary]

Yeah, that one struck me as advertising young girls for sex.

[COBOL2Java]

Why did I immediately think Bill Clinton would have one of these in his car?

[retrokitten]

Yes, hopefully mom and the nurse are checking him into rehab.

[retrokitten]

It reminded me of that movie with Brooke Shields, “Pretty Baby.”

[Sudetenland]

Guess it was a pretty happy time for the guys - especially with the women barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen all year round and saying “yassuh” and “nosuh” all the time

That comment will get you a:"Go back to Daily Kos or democraticunderground."

You insult my parents and everyone who grew up before your petty little excuse for a life. My mother would slice and dice you for that remark with a good tongue lashing...after she got through laughing at your assinine comment for the ignorance it betrays.

You might try to educate yourself before you make snide, profoundly stupid remarks like that.

Arrogant and ill-informed; you really are a Liberal and a Feminist at heart, aren't you? A charter member of NAG as Rush would say.

You know nothing of "what it means to respect someone," as proven by your slander of everyone who grew up in that time. Such self-delusion is another sign of the dread disease of "Liberalism."

[Marysecretary]

LOL. I wonder if anyone ever tried it, or got out of it.

[Marysecretary]

We might think of that being suggestive of pedophilia but did they back then? I doubt it.

[Red in Blue PA]

Quote beneath photo:"I was starving to death with a monkey"