The 15 Creepiest Vintage Ads Of All Time

Retro Comedy ^ | Wednesday, July 1, 2009

[the_devils_advocate_666]

What do murder, pedophilia, suicide and a baby tiger have in common? They have all been used to sell stuff in these amazingly disturbing vintage ads!

These are real, untouched advertisements from the good old days. It doesn't matter if it's lovely ladies or adorable clowns, somehow these old-time ad wizards found ways to traumatize us while pedaling everyday products.

Enjoy them now, call your therapist later!

15. White Bread Demon
"Bread is swell, but what I'm really excited about is eating jelly made from the blood of the innocent!"


14. French Suicide Sausage
It's enough to make you want to eat Kosher forever.


13. A Girl Around The House
It's nice to have a girl around the house... especially if you are a psychopath serial killer who makes women into rugs!



12. Chubby
Who needs self-esteem when you can have a free fashion book for chubbies? Also, proving that advertising weight representation has always been screwed up, the girl pictured is totally not chubby.


11. Christmas Weapons
The family that guns together, has funs together.



10. Eye patch. Shirt. Baby Tiger.
Sexy?


9. Chase & Sandborn Spanking
She totally deserves it. Seriously, what kind of woman doesn't "store test" for fresher coffee?


8. Fry's Chocolate Nightmare
Nothing wants to make consumers buy chocolate more than 5 faces of a sickly kid looking 5 different shades of miserable.


7. Root Beer Baby!
Mama, please DO NOT give your baby another glass of Root Beer. It is clearly doing something horrible to him. He is terrifying.



6. Locked Out
You better wash out your privates with Lysol, or your husband will install cartoon locks on the door.


5. Pears Soap Disaster
"Pears Soap- now with such a soothing lather, you won't notice that your baby has gotten into a horrible accident!"


4. Postage Meter Murder
"Is it always illegal to kill a woman?" This is a truly important question and makes us want to buy a new postage meter.


3. Shave Yourself
The old man baby's gonna sing karaoke into a razor! Hooray!


2. Baby Soft
JonBenét Ramsey, eat your heart out. (Too soon?) This ad makes us want to scream, gouge out our eyes and then barf.


1. Chocolate Poulain
Drink that cocoa, or this clown will murder you in your sleep.


Special thanks to Weirdomatic, Livejournal & the fabulous Plan 59 !

[Marysecretary]

EXACTLY. I can’t even tell a good Polish joke anymore. LOL.

[Marysecretary]

Why?

[Red in Blue PA]

Talk about creepy.....who approved of this????

[retrokitten]

One of my neighbors at my old place was in her late 60’s/early 70’s and from England. We were chatting one day and she said that she used to be a stewardess for British Airways back in the 1960’s. She’s very pretty and charming now, so I imagine she was a hot little number back then. I saw her in a whole new light after that. LOL

[Marysecretary]

You’re right. Some of these ads were around when I was a kid and we never thought anything of it growing up. I loved the 40s and 50s. Wish we were back there sometimes. Life was good and much simpler than it is today.

[Red in Blue PA]

[Red in Blue PA]

Not sexist at all:

[retrokitten]

LMAO! That one is really funny.

[Red in Blue PA]

[Marysecretary]

Omigosh, the fat lady on the left looks just like a good friend of mine, really.

[Red in Blue PA]

[Marysecretary]

Radium? O lord. After a few of those, nothing will ever rise again.

[Jewbacca]

No wonder lesbians love Subarus.

[Red in Blue PA]

Read the small print:

[Red in Blue PA]

[retrokitten]

“For charm and health”!! ROTFL!!

“Jeanie is so charming. I bet she uses Zonite!”

don’t hit post...don’t hit post...don’t..

[Jewbacca]

So, that's why Obama had his little gay episode.

[the_devils_advocate_666]

"Most husbands, nowadays, have stopped beating their wives"

Unless you are in a Muslim country.

[Red in Blue PA]

[Red in Blue PA]