Replies

I saw this or something like it quite a while ago and made up my own version plagaraizing parts of it. I ended up using it on single websites and met quite a few gals with it. My version:

I am a dynamic person, often chronicled in Reader’s Digest, Slug Illustrated, and the Journal of Weasel Husbandry, Series B. Besides my day job as a rocket scientist, I regularly work as a CIA operative in such exotic locales as Inner Mongolia, The Hague, Botswana, and Zimbabwe. My favorite color is blue.

I repair small electrical appliances every other Thursday afternoon free of charge. I am a world ranked lawn bowler. My most time consuming hobby is helping OJ look for the real killer. I have been struck by lightning twice with the only noticeable side effect being burning desire to play the role of Cindy in the sequel to The Brady Bunch movie. Children trust me.

I occasionally cater barmitsvahs to pay for my jazz accordion lessons. While on vacation on Madagascar once, I participated in the non-violent overthrow of a tribal government by singing a duet of Barry Manilow’s Copacabana nonstop for 3 and a half hours with the local herbalist. I occasionally experience zero gravity for brief periods of time. I have been known to prepare incredible 5 course meals with little more than a toaster oven, a Veg-O-matic, a can of Spam, capers, and light cream. Columbian drug lords fear me.

I once read cover-to-cover War and Peace, a Lady’s Home Journal, and 6 comic books during a two hour layover at O’Hare and still had time to run to Lakeshore Drive and back. I can cook three minute eggs in two minutes. I played two seasons for the Packers back in the early 80’s as an inside linebacker. I breed prize escargot for fun and profit. I am a ruthless negotiator, an oft-lauded poet, and a misinterpreted punk cellist. I braid hair.

I’m heir to a parsley farm in far east Oklahoma. As a child, I ran away from home to join the Rotary Club. Julia Childs and I play racquetball every Tuesday morning: loser fixes breakfast. I recently sold my exclusive rights to use the likeness of PeeWee Herman on pogs to a private investor for $3.1M. I am a fashion consultant to the Pope and have a critically acclaimed line of clothing known as Popeduds. I’m under contract to do the color commentary for the Australian National Ostrich Races on cable. I participate in full contact clogging, extreme cricket, and horizontal bungee jumping. My favorite vegetable is the carrot.

I am an outlaw in both Botswana and Tajikistan. I have choreographed videos for Meatloaf. Four year old girls fall hopelessly in love with me on a regular basis. Elvis and I have fished the Upper Kern River together the second week of March every year for the past 14 years. I known by the alias "El Kapitan" in several Caribbean ports. I spit into the wind with no consequence.

I am hair consultant to Don King, the San Diego Chicken’s therapist, Oprah’s personal trainer as well as feng shui consultant to the artist formerly known as Prince and script editor for Marcel Marceau. I have a rare collection of celebrity toe jam. I turned down the ambassadorship to both Leichtenstein and Rawanda during the previous Bush administration. The statute of limitations is about to expire on 3 different cases where I illegally removed a mattress tag. I tried unsuccessfully to reunite ABBA back in ‘89. I carry less than $5 in change at all times.

I once discovered a small black hole while hiking through the Sierras, but unfortunately my GPS transceiver’s batteries went dead erasing its location. My right foot is still used by the National Bureau of Standards as the length standard for 12 inches. I hold the patent for genetically engineered belly button lint. I’ve never been to Arkansas. I accidentally started El Nino when an experiment in my garage went haywire. Cats respect me.