Midlife is when the growth of the hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
Midlife women no longer have upper arms; we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts; we are flying squirrels in drag.
Midlife has hit when you stand naked in front of the mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.
Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. It's more like splat!
Midlife is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!"
Midlife is when you realize that, if you were a dog, you would need a control top flea collar.
Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old that you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
Midlife brings the wisdom that "life throws you curves" and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.
Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?"
Midlife is when your memory really starts to go: the only thing you still retain is water.
The good news about midlife is the glass is still half-full. Of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.
You know you've crossed the midlife threshold when you're in the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of "Stairway to Heaven" in the produce department.
Midlife is when your 1970's Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally (more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin).
Midlife is when you start to repeat yourself and your chins follow suit.
You become more reflective in midlife. You start pondering the "big" questions: what is life, why am I here, and how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice.
Thought for today: Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first. 
Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I'd gained some weight, and I didn't feel so hot.
My doctor said eating right doesn't have to be complicated and it would solve my physical problems. He said just think in colors; Fill your plate with bright colors; greens, yellows, reds, etc.
I went right home and ate an entire bowl of M&M's and sure enough, I felt better immediately. I never knew eating right could be so easy.
Happy 4th!
Actual Sports Comments Made On-Air
"And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!" (Pat Glenn - weightlifting commentator)
"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother." (Ted Walsh - horse racing commentator)
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." (Winston Bennett)
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical." (Murray Walker - F1 racing commentator)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my father and mother." (Greg
Norman)
"Sure, there have been deaths in boxing! but none of them serious." (Alan Minter)
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." (Terry Venables)
"I would not say that David Ginola is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better. (Ron Atkinson)
"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew." (Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977)
"Morcelli has four fastest 1,500 m times ever. And all those times over 1,500 m." (David Coleman)
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." (Metro Radio)"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of him." (New Zealand rugby commentator)
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seems to hang in the air for even longer." (David Acfield)
"What will you do when you leave football, Jack. Will you stay in football?" (Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live)
"And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class." (David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics)
"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them.........Oh my God! What have I just said?!!!" (US PGA Commentator)
