I AM curious as there are other sedatives available. In all fairness, my bf had lung cancer and when I went over his meds with the hospice nurse (we had hospice at home), and told her he was taking ativan for something unrelated, the first thing she said to me was that she didn't think hospice would ok it because it's not a "comfort" med used to ease pain. However, I told her it was the most important med he was taking (he had panic attacks and went into rages - long story). Hospice did ok it for him. Not only did they ok it, but sfter the hospice nurse and the CNA saw him turn on me on two separate occasions near the end, the hospice doctor-in-charge had the nurse tell me to up that medication from twice a day at .5mgs to 3Xdaily at 1 mg each time. I didn't follow their recommendations, although I did up his a.m. dosage. I knew he only had a little time left and rages or not, I wanted him as lucid as possible until he died. But, hey, maybe that was selfish of me - I loved the guy.
I admire you a great deal for that admission. Many people would not have recognized that possibility. You respected him, as well as loved him, and it shows. My condolences.