California Governor Race Heats Up [semi-satire]

Former Secretary of Health and Human Services Xavier Becerra (D) touted his experience and support for "single-payer" healthcare, claiming that "having the government in total control over how much healthcare each person gets will ensure equity and efficiency. No one would be denied care just because they can't afford it. No one would be allowed to purchase more care than the government thinks they need no matter how wealthy they are. I favor total equality."

Former Rep. Katie Porter (D) asserted that "the key to keeping California residents safe is our sanctuary policy. The undocumented immigrants who have surged into our state have offset the sore-loser taxpayers who are selfishly moving to states that have lower taxes. These immigrants are paying taxes. They are spending the welfare benefits the state is paying them at local businesses. They are supporting Democratic policies and candidates for public office. They are the backbone of our society."

Riverside County Sheriff Chad Bianco (R) argued that "the notion that our state's sanctuary status is a good thing defies common sense. The illegal immigrants are consuming more taxes than they are paying. They are an added burden, not an asset. They are committing more crimes per capita than citizens are. "

Billionaire Tom Steyer (D) called himself "the most progressive candidate in the race. There isn't any problem we can't solve by raising taxes and increasing regulations. Right now, we are suffering from individualistic anarchy. Folks are free to chose how to earn a living and decide how to spend their money. This is inefficient. As governor I will play a bigger role in coordinating economic activity. I'm the only one smart enough to do it. I made my billions by being smart and I can put this skill to work for everyone in the state."

San Jose Mayor Matt Mahan (D) warned that "Steyer's tax, regulate, and spend program will hurt small businesses and raise the cost of living." Fox News commentator Steve Hilton (R) seconded Mahan's comments and added "we need to cut back the existing regulations that have blocked rebuilding the Los Angeles neighborhoods that were burned down more than a year ago. Steyer's belief that more government will save the day is clearly absurd."

Steyer interjected "let me point out that the key reason Hilton will never be the governor of our state is that he is endorsed by Trump. Californians hate Trump and will never vote for a person Trump considers fit for office." Becerra voiced his agreement, saying "Trump is Hilton's Daddy." Porter added "F*** Trump."

Meanwhile, in the debate among three candidates--incumbent Mayor Karen Bass (D), socialist Councilmember Nithya Raman, and former reality TV star and Palisades Fire victim Spencer Pratt (R) running for Mayor of Los Angeles--a post-debate poll found that 89% of those who saw it thought that Pratt won the debate.

One person responded "I went into the debate thinking that Pratt wouldn't be a serious candidate, but his grief over the fire that destroyed his elderly parents' home and his home that his opponents were making fun of is actually real. It was clear that Bass and Raman are the ones who are not serious about improving the quality of life for citizens of LA. Pratt won my vote."

Another poll respondent said "Spencer Pratt, with the little experience he has, surprisingly outperformed Bass and Raman, which really says a lot about their inability to lead. He is new to politics, they have been years and years in politics and in charge. Yet, their past actions and the policies they propose show they are inept."

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Heats up....

Line from Rush Limbaugh on controversial topics and criticism of him:
“I’m in the kitchen, folks, and I’m turning up the heat.”

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