Patel Defends Selective Prosecution of Comey [semi-satire]

Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 9 November 2025 | John Semmens

[John Semmens]

Former FBI Director James Comey's claim that he is being "selectively prosecuted by Trump" was verified by current FBI Director Kash Patel. "Every prosecution is selective in a sense that persons who commit crimes are targeted for potential prosecution," Patel explained. "It would be idiotic to randomly prosecute persons who are not committing crimes. Perhaps that's where the Democrats erred by inventing reasons to prosecute President Trump in the run up to the 2024 election."

Comey contended that "the leaked data, my emails congratulating the individuals who took credit for the leaks and expressing my expectation that a grateful President Clinton would reward me when she got elected are all protected political free speech. Just because I was the FBI Director in 2016 doesn't mean I had no right to campaign for the candidate of my choice."

Patel insisted that "the right to support a political candidate does not include using one's access to the power of one's office to disclose confidential information to unapproved persons. Neither does it permit an FBI Director to exceed his authority, as Mr. Comey did, by publicly asserting that no attorney general would have attempted to prosecute Secretary of State Hillary Clinton for improperly using a non-secure server for transmitting classified information. Nor does it exempt Mr. Comey from truthfully responding to Congressional inquiries."

Federal Magistrate Judge William Fitzpatrick disagreed with Patel, saying "I'm not so sure a former FBI director isn't immune from prosecution. There is no precedent for a previous FBI director facing prosecution for abuse of authority. Former FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover used classified files to blackmail many public figures. Those seem like more serious crimes than merely trying to sway the outcome of the 2016 presidential election toward a victory for the well-qualified Secretary of State Hillary Clinton over the political novice Donald Trump. I'm inclined to think that if as infamous a character as Hoover was never prosecuted a relatively small time crook like Comey ought to be given a break as well."

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TOPICS: Government; History; Humor; Politics
KEYWORDS: crime; freespeech; hoover; satire

[E. Pluribus Unum]

It ain't "selective" if there are more comin.'

And there are. Lots more.