"Amphetaminal goo-goo-googly eyes"? Naaah. Just "Lively."
Posted on 04/30/2005 5:49:05 PM PDT by JennysCool
Her head covered by what looked like a bad Indian blanket from the Ward Churchill Souvenir Shop, Jennifer Wilbanks Saturday was led by a couple of cops through the Albuquerque airport to board a flight for Atlanta, where she had some bigtime explaining to do.
Veiled as she was, Ms. Wilbanks somewhat resembled Michael Jackson's urchin, "Blanket," back when Michael was dangling him over that hotel railing in Berlin. Unlike "Blanket," however, my guess is Ms. Wilbanks would have welcomed the sensation of tumbling into a crowd of milling Germans right at that point.
Jennifer Wilbanks, of course, was the "Runaway Bride-To-Be" who, after eight -- count 'em! -- bridal showers, had skipped out on 14 bridesmaids, some 600 wedding guests, and presumably even more sets of flatware than she already owns by hopping a Greyhound for glittery Las Vegas and leaving fiance John Mason, her parents, her in-laws-to-be and much of the Western World wondering what the devil could have happened to her.
Many of us, used by now to the almost-daily spectacle of some base thuggery or other, believed that Jennifer would be found in a shallow grave somewhere, very near where a somewhat slow handyman called "Clem" kept his tool barn. Others, the Orenthal "Scott" Peterson-Simpson crowd, figured that Mason had offed her and we'd have another solid year or so of copy for Greta Van Susteren and her gleeful legal eagles to chaw about nightly over there on Fox.
Even when it was discovered Wilbanks hadn't been murdered after all, Greta and Co. undoubtedly enjoyed a few blessed minutes of relief that Jen, at the very least, had been kidnapped by a Hispanic couple who for some reason were out tooling in their van looking for midnight joggers in Atlanta, so they could drive them to the Great Southwest for some sinister purpose or other: ransom, prostitution, white slavery, maybe just getting her to sign over her ipod.
Alas. That hook, too, was not to be set. Just hours after claiming in a tortured 911 call that, "I was kidnapped from Atlanta, Georgia. My parents said it's been on the news. I don't know," Jennifer fessed up and admitted that she'd concocted the whole tale to escape the pressures of her impending nuptials. Finding something to do with sixty-two Jello molds will do that to a girl.
"Experts" quickly declaimed that lurking behind Jen's amphetaminal goo-goo-googly eyes, broadcast worldwide by a media hungry for the next "Lifetime" movie-of-the-week candidate, were some "issues." The entire press run of "Popular Mechanics" springs immediately to mind. Not only did JW fail to realize -- or simply didn't care -- that her intended Dear John was going to be an instantaneous Murder One suspect -- particularly if he was found to own a boat -- she also, in her kidnapping whopper, managed to implicate every single Hispanic couple driving a blue van in the United States of America.
In fact, the Minutemen may have already gone to Orange Alert.
Parenthetically, it is interesting how these astonishingly spoiled white Southern chicks glory in playing the race card. Jen's howler about spending a little quality time with Pedro and Maria in their Ford Econoline is eerily reminiscent of South Carolina child killer Susan Smith's contention that a mean-looking black feller had jacked her car and sped off with her kids. Both women even offered up detailed discriptions of the miscreants, which lickety split put everyone matching them in the sights of service revolvers from Bakersfield to Bayonne.
As an astonishing number of American men know from soul-crushing personal experience, daffy chicks are all over the place these days. Particularly daffy older single chicks like Jen, who can't decide whether they want home, career, or just chucking it all and shacking up with an equally bipolar Filipino lesbian. A season's worth of "Lifetime" will do that to a girl.
One has to feel pity for John Mason but -- looking on the somewhat vaguely brighter side -- at least Jen wasn't discovered playing hacky-sack in her sedan with a fourteen-year-old paperboy who -- up to the very moment of discovery -- was thrilling to The Unquestionably Greatest Day of His Life.
That little scenario would be a tad tough to get over for your average fiance.
So what in heaven's name is going to happen now? As of this writing, Saturday evening, Mr. Mason has begun to be referred to as Wilbanks' "ex" and I'm guessing at least a majority of the fourteen bridesmaids, and a few hundred of the wedding guests, are muttering dark oaths beneath their breath while furtively snatching back blenders and waffle irons.
And Jennifer herself? I suspect she's probably right now wondering what to do with that hulking crate of "Thank You" cards over there, while at the same time fervently hoping that what happens in Vegas does indeed stay in Vegas.
O'Ping!
Make your selection from the vast collection shown below.
This is a difficult test, hence you have 30 minutes to decide.
[ ] 1. Jennifer Wilbanks is a charming, clever conservative !!!
[ ] 2. Jennifer Wilbanks is a wacky, loony liberal (hint hint) !!!
.
Do you have a link for this blog?
Hmm...Err, um, ah ...
I'll take the wacky, loony liberal, Monty!!!
Crazy bride ping!
Coming from her background and church belief, she probably voted for Bush.
'a bad Indian blanket from the Ward Churchill Souvenir Shop'
Really laughing here.
"Amphetaminal goo-goo-googly eyes"? Naaah. Just "Lively."
Ha! A fine illustration!
"Her head covered by what looked like a bad Indian blanket from the Ward Churchill Souvenir Shop..."
ROFLMAO! That's great!
"...from Bakersfield to Bayonne."
BAYONNE BUMP!!!!
My goodness, that woman has a SERIOUS Adam's apple!! Um ... maybe there was a little something extra she just couldn't bear to show & tell her fiance on the wedding night...?
What a tacky thing to say
Be careful with that test. This may be a case where the irrefutable laws of probabilities merge with the phrase "whoda' thunk it".
[ ] 1. Jennifer Wilbanks is a charming, clever conservative !!!
[ ] 2. Jennifer Wilbanks is a wacky, loony liberal (hint hint) !!!
How many times has she done this before?
[ ] 3. Just Once !!!
[ ] 4. Only Twice !!!
[ ] 5 Three Freekin' Times !!! ;-))
.
"As an astonishing number of American men know from soul-crushing personal experience, daffy chicks are all over the place these days."
He uses the term "daffy chicks" in a good way.
Please gice us a link. This is great! Almost as good as something the sainted Ann would write.
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