The Guild - 7-20-02 - A Clandestine Weekend

The Spy Museum ^ | July 20, 2002

[mountaineer]

Ever thought you had an aptitude for espionage? A hankering for the cloak and dagger life? In honor of the opening of the International Spy Museum, we present Clandestine Weekend at the Ladies' Investigative Guild. Digging up dirt on the Clintons' looting of the White House, after all, is how we got our start. The museum opened its doors (or trapdoors, as the case may be) Friday (story here).

On display there is something we all could use:

The KGB created the "Kiss of Death" -- a loaded gun that looked like tube of lipstick. This 4.5 mm single shot weapon easily could be hidden in a purse. This pistol was discovered during the Cold War at a border crossing into West Berlin.

[BigWaveBetty]

Orlando Slantnel from July 11, 2002.

[snip] Reno raised $369,000 during the past three months, adding to $919,000 she had raised before. But she also has spent most of her money and is repaying most of a $100,000 loan she made to her campaign.

After raising nearly half her money out of state -- ineligible for a state match -- Reno has started collecting more within Florida. The campaign says three-quarters of the last $369,000 was in-state. [snip]

Could someone explain to me about this loan to her own campaign? Are you not allowed to spend your own money on your campaign? Or is she just a tightwad?

[pubmom]

I'm bringing in several colleagues for today's assignment.

[lodwick]

QUOTES & TOASTS of the DAY - QUOTES

"Am I dying or is this my birthday?"

When she woke briefly during her last illness and found all her family around her bedside.~~ Lady Nancy Astor, d. 1964

"Damn it . . . Don't you dare ask God to help me."

To her housekeeper, who had begun to pray aloud.~~ Joan Crawford, actress, d. May 10, 1977

"They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist. . . "

Killed in battle during US Civil War.~~ General John Sedgwick, Union Commander, d. 1864

"I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis."~~ Humphrey Bogart, actor, d. January 14, 1957

"I am about to -- or I am going to -- die: either expression is correct."~~ Dominique Bouhours, French grammarian, d. 1702

[Endeavor]

Very good work, BWB. We, the people, trust our officials to have the same reasonable standard of conduct that we have. Obviously from this article, that is a grave mistake.

I think it is high time to vote out all incumbants - wouldn't that rock their boats? There'd be a whole new group heading committees, etc. Sure, there's a learning curve, but I'd rather have them learning the RULES rather than subverting them.

I wish I knew of a way to rally the American people to get rid of their congresspeople and put in fresh faced, jimmy stewarts.

Don't you find it funny that John McCain and Russ Feingold aren't screaming about the power web that has engulfed Washington? Instead, they just seem to want to restrain OUR power to run informative publicity about candidates before an election.

Am I the only one here that finds that absurd?

[lodwick]

Separated at birth...
or something more sinister?

[lodwick]

ACUTE CASE OF MARTHA STEWART DISEASE

All of the grass in your front yard is braided.

You serve entrees in an attractive real bird's nest you found in a nearby forest.

You make your own Jell-o from calves' hooves rather than buy the powdered stuff.

You decorate your cakes with pieces of ceramic, bundles of chiffon, buttons, marbles and other inedible stuff just because "it looks so pretty."

Each and every flower in the back yard is wrapped in raffia and sports a shiny red bow.

You serve wine to your guests in conch shells.

You've smeared the walls with yogurt so that over time, a natural-looking greenish mould will grow, giving your home the fashionably distressed look of an ancient Greek temple.

You dress all of your children, despite their gender, in white chiffon dresses and white straw fedoras with white satin ribbons and haven't fed them for days in case they grow into an awkward, gangly phase.

You've macramd yourself a computer cozy from hemp and recycled plastic.

Before you go to bed at night, you spend hours on your hobby farm putting the wool on your sheeps' bodies in hot rollers, so they will look more fluffy and glamorous than the neighbor's.

You sleep outside the house, in a tent, so that you don't spoil your perfectly made bed.

[NYpeanut]

Like these?

[lodwick]

True Mullets - thanks. ;-)

Bank Letter

Actual letter sent to a Bank in the United States.

The Bank Manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to: pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement, which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account by $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2002, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised of the following changes.

I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity that your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that a Notary Public must countersign all copies of his or her medical history, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number, which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours.

My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice service: Press buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.

2. To query a missing payment.

3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized Contact.

8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woodie Guthrie: "Oh, the banks are made of marble, with a guard at every door, and the vaults are filled with silver, that the miners sweated for."

On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.

First, there is a matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page.

Inquiries from the Authorized Contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you.

My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute. You will be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?

Your Humble Client

[Nea Wood]

Damn it . . . Don't you dare ask God to help me."

To her housekeeper, who had begun to pray aloud.~~ Joan Crawford, actress, d. May 10, 1977

"My mother always said it was polite to say something good about the dead. Joan Crawford: She's dead. Good."

Bette Davis

[lodwick]

LOL - I'd forgotten that one - thanks. JL

[Fintan]

Shhhhhhhh! We're over here

Yeah, and HLL & I are...well, you figure it out.

[Teacup]

LOCK UP YOUR BOYFRIENDS -- J.LO IS ON THE LOOSE!

KEEP your men Out of Sight ladies because single and sultry Jennifer Lopez is prowling for love – and one guy apparently is not Enough!

I know how it is. My mama dog is in heat right now too. She's very attractive to all the male dogs in the neighborhood right now too LOL, (me bad). I just had to say that. It reminded me of my female Shih Tzu, Ju-Lee, he he he he he.

[lodwick]

Nice to see you here, and thanks for the updates. Continued thoughts and prayers up.

[lodwick]

Jon Ortiz Shoe Chair

$750

[mountaineer]

Love the mullets. Well, we're back from the golf tournament; it was lots of fun. The mullet crowd has moved in another fashion direction this year, as they all seemed to be wearing crewcuts. What a field day they had, as two prominent LPGA players have been "outed" recently. Needless to say, they followed those two around like the neighborhood male dogs after Teacup's Shih-Tzu.

Meanwhile, I was trying to keep Mr. M from running onto the green whenever he saw the lovely Stefania Croce or Natalie Gulbis lining up a putt. (Men!)

Rough day for everyone at the British Open. Stewart's now at +7 - hang in there!

Whew, I'm tired. I think we should do a little "outing" of our own, and expose the machinations of Tiny Tom's wife. Campaign finance reform is - as we all knew - a crock of bovine excrement, and people like Mrs. D will continue to ply their trade no matter what McCain thinks he's doing with that stupid unconstitutional legislation.

[lodwick]

Thanks for the report - you are hilarious...like the neighborhood male dogs after Teacups Shih-Tzu?

Please don't go looking for lesbo butch crew cuts - your browser might implode with the images found in that endeavor. Brutal.

Throw some red meat on the grill and have a super evening. JL

See you soon, with luck.

[mountaineer]

Believe me, no pix will be posted of the lez brigade. Enough, already.

How about that wacky AlGore calling Bush a liar and saying "Bill and I did a damn good job"? (story here) What a freakin' idiot.

[lodwick]

Is a dim/lib capable of telling the truth?
I've been reading the latest posts and caught that one about the tree and the bent staff - unbelievable to we FR types and any others who have half a brain. ;-)

What is truly scary is that the tree can still draw a crowd of more than his immediate family and pets - think about it.

[Hillary's Lovely Legs]

Wedded Bliss

Is five the lucky number for Geraldo Rivera? He hopes so, because the 59 year old Fox News correspndent is getting hitched for the fifth time- to 27 year old TV Producer Erica Levy. " My new role model is that old geezer that married Anna Nicole Smith, quipped Geraldo. foretting the name of late Texas tycoon j. Howard Marsgall. " He didn't know what was going on, but he knew it felt good".

How charming.

[BigWaveBetty]

Sigh, it would be great to have a bunch of Jimmy Stewarts in congress. A way to rally the American people... I'm sure we can think of something! (I tend to be optimistic)

And I can't wait for the USSC to smack down that bill. Of course the demoscum will have their broken record about how the USSC is a republican tool.

I saw documentary today on HBO Family. It's a by a ten year old who likes politics and decided to interview the candidates for the 2000 election to try to get kids interested in politics.

His name is Chaile Stovall. He got many of the candidates before the primaries to give him interviews. And then followed the conventions and election including the election aftermath. And guess who gave him his very first political interview? GWB!

The show is taped by one of his parents I think, and it turned out to be quite interesting. At the end he thanks GWB and the credits begin by thanking Karen Hughes for being the only one who took him seriously and gave him a chance to get started.

It's called 30 by 30: Kidflicks / Why politics are important even for kids. Check it out if you get HBO Family! :-)