Posted on 04/25/2022 11:28:39 AM PDT by Brookhaven
A reader writes:
I manage a high end resort-like property that has a mix of short term guests (vacationers) and long-term guests (residents). We aren’t big enough for a separate HR department, so that usually falls to me and/or our CFO. Our amenities such as the fitness center, clubhouse, and the pool/spa are open to all guests; they are not separated by length of stay.
We have a long-term guest, let’s call them Pat, who has been a resident about six years. A couple of years ago, they came out as non-binary and for the most part this has been a non-issue. All of our staff and other residents have been wonderful and accepting of Pat, which I’ll admit was kind of a relief as we are in a very conservative part of the country. Pat has a traditionally masculine job (think construction worker) and when in work clothes, they are very male-presenting (tall, muscularly built, facial stubble at times). Pat also often appears very feminine, although this is usually at social functions, etc.
Recently my staff at the front desk, in an effort to be proactive, asked me for a “script,” some guidance on how they could respond to the complaints/concerns they are anticipating this summer regarding Pat’s use of the bathroom/shower facilities at the resort. Pat often utilizes the facilities after work and while still in their work clothes, and tends to use whichever bathroom/shower they feel like, male or female. We do not have a family/unisex bathroom/shower, and nowhere to realistically add one. Our summer vacationer demographic tends to be older and more traditional/conservative, so the desk staff are no doubt correct in their anticipation of complaints about “a man” in the women’s bathroom/shower.
To be clear, we have no intention of addressing this with Pat, I don’t feel like they are doing anything wrong, they have been nothing but understanding and respectful to everyone, even those who may have been less than supportive to their coming out. However, I’m at a loss with what to tell our desk staff to say when, for example, they’re approached by an angry husband whose wife or daughters were “scared” by a “man” in the ladies bathroom/shower. The toilet stalls all have doors, and the showers all have their own non-see-through shower curtains, but the sink/mirror areas are common. How do we support Pat while addressing the concerns of other guests?
Additionally, we can’t just assume every report of a man in the ladies room is Pat. We do have to go check it out each time to make sure we don’t have someone acting inappropriately – that would be extremely rare but not impossible, so we do have to investigate every complaint. I’m leaning towards having the desk staff just say what they normally would, whether or not they suspect that the complaint is about Pat, thank the guest for bringing it to our attention, and send a crew member to make sure.
Is there something more we should say? Is there something I should be sure the desk staff does NOT say? One last twist, this resort doesn’t always have a female staff member on duty or available, so if we get a complaint when we only have male staff on duty, to investigate they’d have to knock, announce their presence, etc. before entering the ladies bathroom/shower. I really don’t think it’s appropriate to be calling attention to Pat like this, assuming it could realistically happen multiple times over the course of the summer when they are using the bathroom/shower. Am I overthinking this? I know there’s a fine line between being proactive and looking for problems where they don’t exist, but considering my staff has asked for assistance with this, I feel like I need to provide them with something.
This one is outside of my wheelhouse, so I asked two experts to weigh in.
First I spoke with Dianna Anderson, the author of the upcoming book In Transit: Being Non-Binary in a World of Dichotomies, who had this to say:
Oooh this is a tricky one, because, yeah, the ideal solution would be a unisex area/family room, at least it would be for me as a non-binary person. Others may feel differently, and it sounds like Pat goes where the mood takes them, which hey, is also a thing I plan on doing now that I’ve had top surgery. I’m glad that the resort has been accommodating to Pat and wants to make sure they feel comfortable in what is essentially their living space.
And the writer is right to want to set out a script beforehand and it might not be bad to make it an official policy at the resort. Typically, such a policy would read that “[Resort] does not discriminate on the basis of gender identity, sexual orientation, race, religion, or ability. As such, we welcome guests to use the restroom that is consistent with their gender identity.” Many spas will also have this posted somewhere near the locker rooms so guests know that not everyone in the rooms may look like them.
Their instinct is also right that singling out Pat would likely make Pat uncomfortable, so front desk staff should be clear to reiterate the resort policy. Since it is their policy to investigate every claim (which is a good one because it could be someone else making a problem), that’s still a decent thing to keep up. Trust that Pat already knows this is a probability, and will likely be able to see it happening (unfortunately, we non-binary people are often hyper-aware of when people think we’re in the wrong place, because those people are also not subtle). The important thing to remember is that Pat is not the problem here. The problem is people deciding that they get to police what other people look like.
One more thing to note would be to ensure a privacy policy is in place for guests as well — make it explicit that guests taking pictures, filming, or otherwise putting other guests’ privacy at risk in the restrooms and private areas will not be tolerated. There are, unfortunately, a number of anti-trans activists who will attempt to film trans and non-binary people simply existing in gendered spaces. Having a no tolerance policy for any of that behavior can make it possible to kick out any guests who might be inclined to sneak a photo of Pat in the restroom. There’s an unfortunate element of transphobic media that loves that kind of stuff, so having actionable policy in place if it happens is good.I also spoke with Kira-Lynn Ferderber, a safety and inclusion expert for the hospitality sector, who was also really helpful:
It’s great that you want to be inclusive of this one guest, and I think the questions you’re asking get at a larger issue, beyond just Pat. Even in a conservative or older community there are non-binary people and others who benefit from inclusive, thoughtful policies regarding bathrooms. And if you can’t imagine this issue coming up again at your facilities, consider the visits of the children and grandchildren whose parents and grandparents stay at the property.
In terms of front desk complaints, you’ve designed a system where non-binary people must use an “incorrect” bathroom, because you only have binary, gendered bathrooms. One thing I would suggest is an inclusivity audit from a local LGBTQ+ agency, thinking about how you might design the amenities if you were trying to be welcoming regardless of Pat. If a non-gendered bathroom is off the table for you, you have to admit that you’ve designed a confusing situation, even unintentionally, and this confusion may lead to questions from non-binary guests and others.
The honest “script” in response to complaints about someone “in the wrong bathroom” is to say just what you’ve laid out in your letter, which is: “We permit our guests to use whichever bathroom is most comfortable for them,” because in the case of Pat, you do. And presumably this will be true of future non-binary guests, though if a staff remember physically responds to a call they may find someone whom the employee doesn’t realize is non-binary. This is the problem with an unwritten policy where one person is the exception. By making an allowance only for non-binary guests with whom you are familiar, you are requiring each individual to come out to all staff, over and over, and you’re requiring them to do so without the knowledge that once they do, they will be included in this unofficial Pat Loophole. This is not very hospitable hospitality.
If your preference remains to handle non-binary guests on a case-by-case basis, you could include something at guest registration or check-in, such as a drop down menu of pronouns or prefixes, or an open-ended comment area where you ask about gender identity and accommodations. Be aware of local or national laws regarding non-discrimination as you write this. But this self-identifying option won’t cover everyone: even with the direct question, some people will never come out in a situation that isn’t openly and proactively advertising that they are inclusive, which you are not. As well, this kind of check-in likely won’t reach the guests of your guests and other visitors.
While the rights of non-binary people are as good a reason as any to make a more inclusive policy, remember that non-gendered bathrooms help more than just non-binary or genderqueer people: anyone who might be helping out a person of a different gender may be relieved not to face a barrier of a ”women’s only” or “men’s only” room. This could include a dad and a young daughter, a woman and her elderly father who needs assistance, a heterosexual couple where one person acts as an aid to another, and many other medical and personal reasons.
If the facilities will remain gendered, I’d recommend posting a sign, something to the effect of: “While we do not have a non-gendered bathroom, our nonbinary guests are welcome to use whichever facility they prefer.” This is your current policy, even if ad hoc, and while you may be afraid to display this openly, clear communication will be better in the long run. Perhaps you can address it more thoroughly in your newsletter, or on your website or social media – wherever you communicate to guests about other policies related to the facilities. If you are dreading backlash to this kind of announcement, consider whether it really is preferable for guests to learn the policy through a series of ongoing complaints, one at a time, catching people off-guard in vulnerable situations such as showering.
Finally, I’d like to suggest asking your guests what they want! Maybe a question about inclusivity needs could be part of some kind of client survey. I know you stated that a new bathroom is not an option, but support for it from your paying customers might go a long way in convincing decision-makers. I’d also challenge the idea that it’s impossible to have a non-gendered bathroom: what would you do if it was made the law tomorrow? What would you do if 100% of your guests wanted it created or they wouldn’t come back? Perhaps there’s a staff bathroom or other facility that can be converted. Perhaps you could talk to other businesses about what their solution has been.
Another guest you could ask is Pat themselves. If Pat came out to you directly, I don’t think it’s out of line to respond with (or go back to them and say), “Thank you for telling me that. I want you to continue to feel welcome and comfortable here. Please let us know if there is anything we can do to accommodate you.” While you don’t want Pat to shoulder the obligation of educating you and consulting for you for free, they might have ideas and insights they want to share, as the best expert you know in what it is like to be a non-binary user of your amenities. Keep in mind though, if you solicit feedback from Pat or any other non-binary guest, you should have the intention and capacity to at least attempt to fulfill their requests.Excellent advice from both contributors, and I hope it helps.
In discussion in the comment section, please note Dianna uses they/them pronouns, and Kira-Lynn uses they/them or she/her.
If doing so in writing, beginning with a capital letter would be a great start.
Good Americans turning themselves into pretzels to accommodate the sick people of the country. It will only stop if we all stop catering to these freaks.
Maybe they should wonder what they will say when the deranged pervert exposes himself to a little girl in the women’s room and a mom or dad pulls their CCW and dumps him.
Also it would be nice to name the place so sane people can avoid it.
Mace and brass knuckles?
I have no idea what a “non-binary” guest is.
Non binary?
All these stupid words that we are suddenly supposed to start using.
How about male pervert pretending to be a woman?
Take him out back nd shoot him?
Exactly my first thought. If faced with that situation & no support for my modesty or comfort from management I would vote with my feet & not return.
“Pat’s” wishes do not trump the comfort of every other guest nor is there a requirement that we accept that someone can decide their sex & we must play along. That way lies madness.
[[It’s great that you want to be inclusive]]
NO it isn’t- it is just coddling mental illness and outright sin that affects other people in a negative manner-
Would be funny if not so disgusting. “Pat” is a “they.”. SMH
They and them are plural pronouns. Does Pat suffer from multiple personality disorder?
Maybe they should arrange for a shower/bathroom facilities designated for deranged perverts that all of the LGBTQXYZ can use regardless of the phase of the moon.
Maybe they should tell the lunatic it is not welcome at all.
Knock out his teeth and say “I’m the Tooth Fairy”.
Most of the comments suggested they install a third set of facilities (bathrooms, changing rooms, and such) to accommodate the non-binary individual.
How much do they think that would cost? A five, maybe six figure expense to make one customer happy isn’t exactly what any business wants to spend their money on.
FR keeps me up to date on all the new words that are out because when I read one I have to open another tab and look it up.
I hate transgenders and no appologies for it.
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