The Babylon Bee Guide To Being Woke

The Babylon Bee ^ | February 11, 2021 | The Babylon Bee

[Tolerance Sucks Rocks]

Being "woke" is very important in order to show the world you're a good person, and also to avoid having your entire life wrecked by a Twitter mob!

In order to achieve success and respect from all the good woke people -- which is the most important thing you can achieve in life -- you need to learn how to be properly woke! Here is our definitive guide:

• Carefully choose your pronouns and then scream them at everyone you meet: Whenever you go to Costco, loudly scream your pronouns in shoppers' faces. If anyone refuses to celebrate your pronouns, smash a giant box of pretzels over their head and call the manager.
• Select the most oppressed identity possible: Test people's loyalty to the cause by identifying as a walrus and cancel anyone who doesn't make walrus noises every time they see you.
• Compare everything to Nazis: Compare everything to Nazis (as long as you're a Democrat. If you're a Republican this might get you fired).
• Learn to hate the right people: Hate is good when directed at the correct targets. All you have to do is follow the guidelines of a mentally ill Twitter mob who will help steer your hate in the right direction!
• Pre-order David Hogg's Good Pillow: You want to sleep at night, don't you??
• Classify everyone according to their race and not as an individual: Always loudly acknowledge the skin color of every person you talk to and make it the main subject of the conversation.

[Tolerance Sucks Rocks]

DANG!

[hoe_cake]

well, I flunk the guide then. I’m not woke. No problem.

[heavy metal]

or you could be “smart” and stay away from twitter...

[tbw2]

Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities.

[Harmless Teddy Bear]

This is not satire but reality.

They have finally met.

[Purdue77]

“ Whenever you go to Costco, loudly scream your pronouns in shoppers' faces. If anyone refuses to celebrate your pronouns, smash a giant box of pretzels over their head and call the manager.”

Be careful about using this. The Dems may use this as evidence of inciting an insurrection and will vote to impeach you.

[EasySt]

“ or you could be “smart” and stay away from twitter... “

If you DO decide to engage in the discussion on Twitter, you can soon join
the hundreds of thousands of us who have already been censored or
banned from there.
;-)

[Rurudyne]

This thread needs some Ultra Spiritual Life!

How to become gluten intolerant: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oht9AEq1798

[Fiddlstix]

[HangnJudge]

Sometimes the Bee hits a home run

https://babylonbee.com/news/absolute-legend-trump-walks-away-from-republican-party-without-even-looking-back-at-explosion

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an awesome display of action movie MAGA-greatness, Trump walked away from the exploding Republican Party like an absolute legend, without looking back or even flinching. Witnesses say they saw Trump power-walking in slow motion away from the massive explosion as smoldering wreckage and shrieking Republicans rained down around him.

“I’ve never seen anything so beautiful,” said Steve Bannon and Nancy Pelosi in unison.

Trump supporters and Democrats collectively cheered while the steely-eyed Trump strutted confidently without any indication that he cared about the scorching inferno behind him as it laid waste to all the “losers and second-rate cowards” caught up in the blast. Mitch McConnell tried his best to escape, but he was too slow due to being a turtle. The force of the blast tipped him over on his back and he lay there with his arms flailing helplessly.

Authorities arrived on the scene to try to extinguish the flames but Trump stayed their hands. “No,” he said, slowly removing his glasses and finally turning around to gaze upon the torched ruins of the Republican Party. “No... let it burn.”

[sauropod]

Bkmk

[a fool in paradise]

You can’t be properly woke if you don’t get a good long sleep.

[heavy metal]

thanks for the invite... but i’m a firm believer in not setting myself up for trouble... 😎

[Responsibility2nd]

There’s no hope for me being woke. If a gay white man with multi racial children can’t be woke, then I am really up a creek.

https://freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/3934239/posts

[Rebelbase]

Who forgot to turn off the {center} HTML tag?

[FormerFRLurker]

Just listen to Emperor Palpatine and “let the hate flow through you”. Hate towards the “right” people of course.

[TChad]

Pre-order David Hogg's Good Pillow: You want to sleep at night, don't you??

Unfortunately, I think that plenty of liberals and leftists will follow that advice. While plenty of people on the right sound certain that Hogg will fail, I think he has an excellent chance of succeeding. He doesn't even need to advertise.

[FalloutShelterGirl]

Cool! This thread is straight center!

[FalloutShelterGirl]

Awww...now it’s left justified :(