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ISIS Surrenders in face of Climate Change Conference
Vanity | 12/10/2015 | ArGee

Posted on 12/10/2015 1:17:32 PM PST by ArGee

Raqqa, Syria

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant, also known as ISIS, announced today that he would be disbanding all forces and returning all land to Syria and Iraq. The move was prompted by the ongoing Climate Conference in Paris.

"This is one thing we could not have anticipated," Mr. al-Baghdadi said in prepared remarks. "When we see the world coming together like this on such a dangerous subject as Global Climate Change, we realize that our Caliphate will never survive. It's only a matter of time before Climate Change is no more and the world's attention turns to us. At that point, we will have no chance. For the sake of the men, women, and children who have supported us, I can not continue a doomed campaign."

An emotional al-Baghdadi did not take any questions.

Sources close to al-Baghdadi who spoke on the condition of anonymity told us that it was becoming more and more difficult to recruit new fighters. "Even our existing people are extremely demoralized," one said. "The words of Donald Trump himself can not overcome our dispair."

According to their press release, surrender is total and immediate. Fighters are being paid and sent home by division. Any remaining money will be put into a fund to resettle Christians and Yazidis who have been displaced by the war.

"We thought the world was fragmented," one strategist was overheard saying to himself. "Who knew it could come together like this? This is a stinging rebuke."

So far there has been no comment from Damascus, Baghdad, Moscow, or Washington. One source inside the Kremlin said, "We are waiting to see if there will be any follow-up action. We want to make sure this is real before we decide on our next steps."


TOPICS: Humor; Religion; Science
KEYWORDS: afunny; ahoot; aparody; asatire; climatechange; epa; funny; globalwarming; globalwarminghoax; greennewdeal; hoot; hypochondriacsanon; isis; jvteam; lampoon; molassesmiasma; monkeyfacerules; parisconference; parody; penguinhumor; popefrancis; romancatholicism; satire; terrorism; undeadthread; undeadthreadhere; woeisme
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To: Tax-chick

I just opened my email and found a notice from my home town newspaper. They found the body of the missing woman. My friend, Chuck and his friend Kenny are no doubt very upset.

At the moment, the Utah County Sheriff’s office says they “don’t expect foul play,” but the husband is under suspicion by a lot of people.

Sad news to wake up to.


8,481 posted on 05/21/2016 4:34:49 AM PDT by Monkey Face (Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.)
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To: Tax-chick

Oh, look! Floof and Squee! Cute little guys.


8,482 posted on 05/21/2016 4:35:27 AM PDT by Monkey Face (Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.)
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To: Tax-chick

Yes, and Arkansas is a good place to be from! LOL!


8,483 posted on 05/21/2016 4:36:11 AM PDT by Monkey Face (Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.)
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To: Covenantor

Yes, that would be me, Covenantor!


8,484 posted on 05/21/2016 4:37:48 AM PDT by Monkey Face (Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.)
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To: Tax-chick
...and the climate is nice.

Except in the summer when it's hot and humid. I've only been there in the summer once. The rest of the visits have been done in the winter, to coincide with my grandson's birthday in December. But he's on a mission, now, so no more birthday visits for one more year...

8,485 posted on 05/21/2016 4:40:42 AM PDT by Monkey Face (Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.)
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To: Monkey Face

Oh, too bad.


8,486 posted on 05/21/2016 4:55:17 AM PDT by Tax-chick ("We like us the way we are. That makes us real, true friends." ~ The Undead Thread)
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To: Tax-chick; Monkey Face

My mom just called. My dad fell in the bathroom,, she had to get the paramedics to get him up.,

He’s banged uo pretty bad,sleeping now,. 90 years old. It’s not good, he’s been going downhill for a few weeks now.

I think he’s going to be gone soon, he’s so frail now and barely eating,

I’ll know more after I visit.,leaving now,


8,487 posted on 05/21/2016 5:54:32 AM PDT by Gefn (I want to visit night's Plutonian shore.)
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To: Gefn

Oh, dear. I’m so sorry. I’ll pray for your family!


8,488 posted on 05/21/2016 5:59:01 AM PDT by Tax-chick ("We like us the way we are. That makes us real, true friends." ~ The Undead Thread)
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To: Gefn

{{{{Gefn’s dad}}}}

I’m so sorry to hear that. I know it’s frightening for old folks to not be able to function the way they used to. Bless his old heart.

Hang in there girl and I’ll be praying for all of you.


8,489 posted on 05/21/2016 6:00:13 AM PDT by Monkey Face (Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.)
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To: Tax-chick; Monkey Face

Prayers are good. Thank you. Bless you both,


8,490 posted on 05/21/2016 6:10:35 AM PDT by Gefn (I want to visit night's Plutonian shore.)
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To: Gefn

{{{Gefn}}}


8,491 posted on 05/21/2016 6:42:46 AM PDT by Monkey Face (Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.)
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To: Monkey Face

Morning again. Finished with choir. Now waiting for Tom and party to return from the fencing project at the rectory and for DP and Sally to return from buying printer ink. DP plans to go to the gym after that. I haven’t decided whether I would prefer to spend an hour on the treadmill with a book or take a nap with Jake ...


8,492 posted on 05/21/2016 8:51:46 AM PDT by Tax-chick ("We like us the way we are. That makes us real, true friends." ~ The Undead Thread)
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To: Tax-chick

I would vote for the nap, if I had a vote.

It’s 63 and sunny, but the wind is blowing and gusting up to 45 mph, and I. Want. SUMMER!


8,493 posted on 05/21/2016 9:13:04 AM PDT by Monkey Face (Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.)
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To: Monkey Face

67 and cloudy here, but at least it hasn’t rained.

Bill left the stove gas on again. If it happens again, his cooking privileges here will be permanently revoked. I’ll never be able to sleep if I have to worry that he’s gone to bed and left the gas on.


8,494 posted on 05/21/2016 9:18:56 AM PDT by Tax-chick ("We like us the way we are. That makes us real, true friends." ~ The Undead Thread)
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To: Tax-chick

Oh, dang. That’s scary. Bill is carrying “being blond” a little bit too far.


8,495 posted on 05/21/2016 11:10:38 AM PDT by Monkey Face (Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.)
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To: Monkey Face

I told him he’s got to completely clean up all his food prep immediately, before eating. That will keep him in the kitchen long enough to turn the gas off. If there’s a lapse, then he’ll have to microwave his meals or eat out.


8,496 posted on 05/21/2016 11:17:19 AM PDT by Tax-chick ("We like us the way we are. That makes us real, true friends." ~ The Undead Thread)
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To: Monkey Face

The fence-building crew is home, liberally daubed in red mud.


8,497 posted on 05/21/2016 11:18:20 AM PDT by Tax-chick ("We like us the way we are. That makes us real, true friends." ~ The Undead Thread)
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To: Tax-chick

Hose ‘em off outdoors!

Bill sounds like an accident on the way to happen, poor guy.

Chuck didn’t come out to play today, and after reading the Herald’s headline, I really didn’t expect him to. He is fairly close with the family of the woman who was killed.

Cindy I came out later, but she said she was tired and slept in because of the wedding she went to last night, so there really wasn’t much activity. Of course, Charlie and I never run out of things to talk about, so we werent’ bored. :o]


8,498 posted on 05/21/2016 12:13:13 PM PDT by Monkey Face (Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.)
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To: Tax-chick

So do you want this...


8,499 posted on 05/21/2016 12:13:42 PM PDT by Monkey Face (Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.)
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To: Monkey Face

post?


8,500 posted on 05/21/2016 12:13:55 PM PDT by Monkey Face (Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.)
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