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Scientific Algorithm Determines Most Oppressed Person In History Is Michelle Obama
Babylon Bee ^ | 11/13/2025 | Babylon Bee

Posted on 11/13/2025 9:08:32 AM PST by DFG

PALO ALTO, CA — A recent survey conducted by an advanced digital algorithm conclusively determined that the most oppressed person in the history of the world is, without a doubt, Michelle Obama.

The algorithm searched infinite points of data and scanned millions of stories of human suffering and determined definitively that Michelle Obama has been oppressed more than any other living human.

"It's amazing, really," data scientist Mark Tungston said. "Mrs. Obama doesn't seem like the most oppressed person ever, but after analyzing the data, it's clear she is. You'd think it was a coal miner in Appalachia or a child slave in Africa, but nope, it's the woman who had to wear dresses off the rack to attend state dinners when she was First Lady."

In a series of recent interviews, Obama described horrific tales of oppression, like the time she wanted beluga caviar but the Whitehouse chef served her salmon roe instead.

"No one has suffered like I have," Obama said. "I had to endure getting my makeup done every day by professionals, and sometimes they messed up my eyeliner. It was horrible. Nobody understands what I've been through."

At publishing time, the algorithm had also determined that Michelle Obama had written more memoirs than there are grains of sand in the universe.


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: babylonbee; satire

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To: DFG
The oppression! It made her head break out in bumps.


21 posted on 11/13/2025 2:15:51 PM PST by Albion Wilde (To live free is the greatest gift; to die free is the greatest victory. —Erica Kirk)
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To: DFG

Of course. Moochelle only had dozens of staff to tend to her every need. Imagine the horror of having to wake up and pick out your own clothes.


22 posted on 11/13/2025 3:02:58 PM PST by Organic Panic ('Was I molested. I think so' - Ashley Biden in response to her father joining her in the shower.)
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To: Tell It Right
"There are 1080 particles "

Atoms, not particles. Many less particles.

"in the universe. "

In the observable universe. We don't know whether the universe is infinite but it is definitely larger

23 posted on 11/13/2025 4:39:52 PM PST by TexasGator (1/.)
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To: antidemoncrat

Half black


24 posted on 11/13/2025 4:43:49 PM PST by Fledermaus ("It turns out all we really needed was a new President!")
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