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Well, this should settle all the rumors. Congrats, Bill, hey...it's an improvement from murdering people!

U.S. President Barack Obama told a crowd of admiring White House press corps reporters that he was "deeply honoured" to have won the 2009 Publishers' Clearing House Sweepstakes. As the President was having an early morning working breakfast with czar Kevin Jennings, Obama was surprised to hear the doorbell ring and see the cryogenicaly revived body of Ed McMahon and Dick Clark on the White House doorstep, cheque in hand. "I can't believe it!" said Obama. "That's more free money than I've ever seen working for ACORN!" "For the first time in my life," said an estatic Michelle Obama, dressed...

In a surprise move, Pope Benedict XVI crowned US President Barack Obama "Holy Roman Emperor" today in a rose garden ceremony.In a statement, the Pope said "Emperor Obama follows in the footsteps of Charlemagne and the Emperor Constantine."In other news, Chinese Premier Hu Jintao announced plans to restore the Qing dynasty, saying that Barack Obama -- a direct descendant of the last Manchu Emperor -- would be China's new Emperor.However, Turkish officials were quick to deny widely published reports of a restoration of the Byzantine Empire. "Turks wiped out the Byzantines in 1453. There are simply no Byzantines here for...

(Daytona Beach, Fl - 10/9/09) Declaring the season over and the chase a thing of the past, NASCAR has declared Barack Obama the winner of this years Sprint Cup. "We don't care other drivers have gone all season to get where they are. Obama is just too good to ignore and that Prius on the track is absolutely hot." "The fact that he simply imagined himself going faster was a significant contribution to his being awarded the Cup."

Based on Obama's future accomplishments Mount Rushmore has been reanamed Mount Obama. A new team of workers have been hired to start carving out Barrack Obama's face along with other Presidents. According to sources a teleprompter will also be carved alongside Obama's likeness.

Prime minister Vladimir Putin was proudly on hand today as young Barry Soetero accepted the Order of Lenin medal from the newly reconstituted Union of European Soviet Socialist Respublics as well a highly respected Komsomol(VLKSM) achievement badge...(clip) THe VLKSM stands for (translated of course) the "All-Union Communist Youth Organization". also known as the Komsomol, it was an organization for young men and women that acted as a bridge between the Young Pioneers and the Communist Party of the Soviet Union. This type of badge was an award for excellent participation or contribution to the VLKSM. Lenin, of course, is the...

(Fresno, Ca. - 10/9/09) Jim Thompson quietly resurfaced from quasi-retirement to issue a short statement on Barack Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize. "I done woked up this mornin and would swear the sun rose in the west and my ex-wife was actually leavin me alone. I can't believe all the stuff that's flyin around on that dang blog I supposedly own regardin this Obama stuff." "If anyone in this world deserved the Peace Prize it'd be Bonnie Sue who lives in the next town over, across the railroad tracks. You gotta make a left at the first stop sign,...

"After all, the president said, what's King done lately?"

After officials reviewed this video, the White House was informed that nobody could possibly beat this man.

Barak Obama joined writing luminaries as James A. Michener, Harper Lee, Ernest Hemingway, Larry McMurtry,and William Faulkner today as a recipient of the Pulitzer Prize for Literature. Obama's novel DADDY'S DREAMS PART TWO dazzled the critics and won over skeptics to the acceptance of Obama as one of the great intellects of our day. Obama accepted the award saying he was deeply humbled by the committees selection and promised to work even harder on his next book, DADDY's DREAMS PART THREE.

Take that, Palin!

President Obama has just been awarded the one million dollar prize and the honor of being the Ultimate Survivor without even having been to Samoa or participating in any challenges. The actual contestants were told to just "go home" by Jeff Probst after it was determined by show producers that president Obama had outwitted and outplayed them all in one genius stroke of complete non-action on his part.

Forget about Metallica and Deep Purple, they've decided to cancel everybody else and induct Obama into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE North Pole. The real Santa and Mrs. Clause received eviction notice today and have been ordered to vacate the North Pole immediately so that the newly appointed Barack and Michelle Obama can begin serving immediately as the new (and improved) Santa and Mrs. Clause. The drastic move became necessary as the former Santa and Mrs. Clause continually asserted that Barack and Michelle could not possibly become Santa because of his Muslim religion. However, that notion was dismissed by the Presiding Majority Elf Leader, Nancy Pelosi, calling the former Santa and Mrs. Clause "artificial snow". "As the holiday...

His rendition of the Americanized version of "Deutschlandlied" -- Amerikalandlied -- riveted the entire panel. When he got to the "We will crush Capitalism and bow or heads before the world" lyric the entire audience was on its feet and there wasn't a dry eye in the house. The producers are now trying to decide if there is any point in continuing the series, since the Best Performer Ever has been found. As an aside, judge Simon Cowell noted: "What is truly amazing about this performance is it was done via a letter written by someone named TOTUS..."

Miss Hooters 2010Hooters announced today that they are naming Barack Obama 'Miss Hooters 2010'.Hooters pageant judge Perez Hilton said the committee based their vote on Obama's performance in the swimsuit competition. That Obama didn't participate in the official swimsuit competition was judged to be a racist standard that was thrown out premptively to avoid a civil rights investigation by Attorney General Eric Holder, according to another judge, the Rev. Al Sharpton.Sharpton said he had submitted this photo of the 2007 Miss Hooters contest to Holder and that Holder had quickly responded that he was going to personally oversee the investigation:

All events, male and female, have been awarded to Barack Hussein Obama. The award ceremony to take place atop Sugarloaf Mountain.

HE MOVES SO FAST IT APPEARS HE'S NOT MOVING AT ALL!!

The news that President Barack Obama has won the Nobel Peace Prize seems like a prize bit of satire, like Chicago getting the Olympics. “Are you laughing or crying,” wrote a reader to me. “Neither. I’m thinking about what this tells us about the world today,” I responded. Then I checked over and over and over again on the Internet and called up several people just to make sure that this wasn’t a satire, that some new type of computer virus hadn’t infiltrated my software that would make fools of anyone credulous enough to believe this hoax. And then I...

(Hockeytown, USA - 10/9/09) In a stunning announcement today, a spokesperson for the NHL Commissioner issued the following short statement: "We are pleased to present the 2009-2010 Stanley Cup to President Obama for his innate ability to skate around every issue that comes his way. Forwards, backwards or sideways, his skating ability is second to none." "We are also seriously considering awarding him the Defenseman of the Year award not only for his backwards skating ability, but also his ability to defend against everything he's done wrong by effectively blaming all ills on someone who hasn't been in office for...

President Obama has won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize

Oslo, Norway- An American, Paul Erlich of The Stanford Butterfly Collector’s Club, was awarded the 2009 Nobel prize for his book positing the inevitability of a “population bomb” in his book of the same name. Written in 1968 the epic scientific tome portends of a future in which population growth will far exceed the planets capacity to provide for resources enough to sustain humanity. The book further predicted that the resultant rampant famine and boredom would lead to the starvation of trillions of people during the 1970’s and the end of all humanity no later than the spring of 1985....

Regulatory Czar Cass Sunstein has suggested that “rumor mongering could be discouraged by levying fines on the perpetrators. Those who spread false rumors may be inspired to hold their tongues if the financial consequences are severe enough.” Among the “false rumors” cited by Sunstein were “continued accusations that the ‘stimulus’ isn’t working, that abortion is murder and that taxes are too high.” “We’re not saying that people can’t disagree on some of these issues,” Sunstein said. “But the disagreement mustn’t cross the line or show disrespect for authority.” Sunstein illustrated his point by rephrasing the above statements into “an acceptable...

A retired policeman, Ralph Harvey, in the town of Saltash (United Kingdom) was ordered to take down the electrified wires he installed to protect his home from break-ins. Harvey constructed the system after burglars had stolen all his wife’s jewelry. Local police have been unable to solve the case or to prevent frequent episodes of vandalism against Harvey’s property. Saltash Police spokesman, Andy Dunstan said that “While I’m not entirely unsympathetic, what with Mr. Harvey being a former policeman and all. But we can’t abide the risk to potential thieves from this fence.” The electrified fence is only 12 volts—not...

Representative Patrick Kennedy (D-R.I.) warned of the dangers of “unconstrained opposition to the President’s policies.” “We don’t want to see a repeat of the 1960s when the same sort of vitriolic rhetoric led to the assassinations of my two uncles.” Kennedy urged we “put a damper on this type of rhetoric before we have cause to regret it.” Kennedy said that the kind of vitriolic rhetoric he feels has gone too far includes “statements implying that the President’s health care bill will lead to rationing of care or that federal deficits will lead to bankruptcy or tax increases.” “Just consider,...

Though he has profited by over $50 million selling his product in the marketplace, left-wing filmmaker Michael Moore contends that capitalism hasn’t done him any good. “If I made all that money, where is it?” Moore asked. While wags may jibe that there is ample evidence that Moore has put a large portion of his profits into augmenting his personal girth, Moore contended that “a system that allows a person to frivolously spend on items that endanger their health, like America does, victimizes people.” Moore argued that “a socialist government like Cuba would’ve still let me make movies, but would...

A Michigan man has filed suit against the Lansing office of the Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now (ACORN) seeking damages for “bad business advice.” Rodney Mack, a would-be whorehouse entrepreneur, says that local ACORN representatives “did not adequately advise me of all the risks that I would be exposed to when I set up my ‘performance art’ business. I got the loan from the bank like they said I would and I was able to bring in the undocumented workers. But a business rival stole my money and beat up my ‘hos. I lost everything.” The suit is...

Senator Thomas Carper (D-Del), a member of the Senate Finance Committee, lauded his Party’s decision not to post the content of the pending health care legislation on the Internet. “The claim that people need to read this before congress takes action on it is bogus,” Carper argued. “The bill is a massive and confusing mess. I don’t see how reading it could help anyone understand it. I know it won’t help me. I’m not reading this monster. So, posting it on the Internet would just be a waste of precious time.” Carper rejected the idea that passing a law without...

A stunned media was left speechless when President Barack Obama’s personal sales pitch on behalf of Chicago’s bid to host the 2016 Summer Games failed to sway the International Olympic Committee (IOC). Of the four contending bids, Chicago’s was the first to be rejected—giving it a last place finish in the event. MSNBC’s Ed Schultz called the outcome “fishy.” “When the most persuasive man on the planet can’t sell a bunch of Eurostiffs on the benefits of a great city like Chicago, something ugly and obscene is going on,” Schultz opined. “One can only wonder if the racism fomented by...

Washington- Lawyers for President Obama have issued papers to the government of Brazil demanding that all representatives of that tiny island nation refrain from any further use of the phrase “yes we can”. A firestorm erupted yesterday when Brazilian President Frank “Ponch” Poncherelli co-opted the popular phrase for his countries bid to host the 2016 Fall Olympics. According to lawyers for Obama these actions were not only inappropriate and indecent but also illegal as the famous Chicagoan copyrighted the phrase (along with the words hope and change) early in 2008. Legal expert Craven Moorehead explained it this way. “Pursuant to...

Copenhagen (BH) – Moments after the International Olympic Committee announced that Chicago had been eliminated as a host site for the 2016 Olympic games, a group of US politicians, celebrities, and media figures held a press conference to protest the decision as “based on racism.” The group, which includes two former US Presidents, distributed a release with the headline: “I.O.C. and K.K.K. are not O.K. with the U.S.A.” President Barack Obama, his wife Michelle, and talk show host Oprah Winfrey - all Chicagoans – had traveled to Denmark in the hope that their popularity would lend some star appeal to...

In an astonishing change of verbiage, President Obama’s favorite let’s-sit-down-to-chat Islamofacist, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, has left the Holocaust denial business momentarily for a new claim. Mad (our president’s endearing nickname for the little Hitler wannabe) said, “Slavery never occurred in the USA. It was a hoax to get welfare, Affirmative Action and elect Obama president. America is an enemy of Islam! We will wipe you off the map!” He claimed this just as Iran’s second underground nuke plant was exposed to the world. This precipitated a heated phone call from Dear Leader to Jihad Central in Tehran: “Hey Mad, what’s up...

(Washington, D.C. - 10/2/09) In a very short statement, an un-named community organizing organization insists it has located ballot boxes in Copenhagen that held a large amount of votes for the City of Chicago and will formally protest the "flawed" voting that has taken place. "We detest the flawed voting that has taken place in Copenhagen and have proof not all votes were counted, and millions of people in Chicago have been disenfranshised by this obvious injustice. We plan on presenting this proof to the IOC, in conjuction with our SEIU brothers and sisters, and volunteer to personally oversee the...

Obviously, the public outcry against Polanski for the "crime" that he "committed", and the expressed desire to see him "punished" for it, are patently wrong on numerous levels. Why? I'm glad you asked! Allow us to explain! 1) Look, it's been what, like 30ish years? That's a long ass time people. Why, the alleged "victim" isn't even 13 anymore! How can you punish Polanski for something he did to a 13 year old who has shamelessly, and I might add, dishonestly transformed herself into a 40-something woman? 2) Let's all stop selfishly obsessing over this wanton slut's accurate, undisputed, and...

Here's what's important to remember: Roman Polanski is European, okay? And in Europe, you don't send your kid over to Jack Nicholson's house to take suggestive photographs with a world-reknowned playboy who's known for sex and drugs unless you're planning on your kid getting drugged, raped, and sodomized. That's just common sense. Also, Roman's pregnant wife, Sharon Tate, was brutally murdered by the Manson family just 8 years before this whole "raping a kid" thing went down. I'd have to look up the exact numbers, but I'm pretty sure that having your pregnant wife get brutally murdered by the Manson...

COPENHAGEN – In an attempt to bring home the 2016 Olympics to Chicago, pResident Barack Obama today unveiled his vision of the Games to the International Olympic Committee, complete with recommendations for new Chicago-style competitions he plans to enter. But events following his pitch indicate the pResident’s meddling has once again caused a direct opposite of his intent. “The time has come for America to open its arms to the world, after all of the shame it has caused over the past 233 years,” Obama said, tying to use his lagging powers of persuasion to convince the IOC that bad-mouthing...

Honolulu- Reports are coming in from Hawaii that a missile launched from parts unknown, possibly North Korea, has landed on the Island of Honolulu and destroyed a room in the states official Department of Records building. The missile used an advanced stealth technology rendering it absolutely invisible to radar and all other forms of early detection or warning. Not even Peter Schiff could have seen this one coming. The missile strike marks the first time that American soil has been struck by a foreign military since December 7, 1941 when Japan attacked a US Naval port at Pearl Harbor and...

I have a nightmare. I have a nightmare that sometime before the 2010 elections, the scales will fall from your eyes and you will see us as we really are. I have a nightmare that you will read C. S. Lewis’s The Screwtape Letters and realize that it is not fiction. I have a nightmare that you will read Plunkitt of Tammany Hall and get firsthand instruction in how we steal elections. I have a nightmare that you will read Machiavelli’s The Prince and realize that we got there way ahead of you. I have a nightmare that you will...

COPENHAGEN -- HerculObama put Air Force One on his back this morning and leaped into the sky, blasting off to Denmark to take the lead in one of the most pressing concerns of his presidency to date: bringing the 2016 Olympics home to their rightful place of corruption, Chicago. Meanwhile, the war in Afghanistan disintegrated further and Iran built a gigantic middle finger for its new underground nuclear facility and America continued its descent into a widening schism of heated political debate amid warnings of violence (probably to be committed by Democrats) despite the amazing healing powers of our unifying...

(Chicago, Ill 9/29/09) In light of the video going viral on the internet showing a vicious disagreement between social clubs with differing views in which an innocent young man was inadvertantly beaten and subsequently expired, the City of Chicago was quick to reassure the world that this sort of thing is extremely rare. Said an anonymous spokesperson, "Reassurance to the world is needed in light of this video that disagreements between rival social clubs involving boards is very, very rare in the City of Chicago. This is not the normal way disputes are resolved. Most of the time they're resolved...

Stung by the prospect of withdrawal of federal aid following the airing of video evidence of its corruption, the Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now (ACORN) has filed a suit against filmmakers James O’Keefe and Hannah Giles. ACORN attorney Jack Cozener argued that “real damage has been done here. The ACORN organization is losing millions in government money. Justice requires compensation for this wrong.” Cozener said he will be demanding that “100% of the profits that O’Keefe and Giles reap from this effort—from the films, any books or other media—be turned over to my clients. After all, it is...

Zbigniew Brzezinski, foreign policy adviser to former President Jimmy Carter and current President Barack Obama, is urging a radical change in US Mid-East policy. “Our long term alliance with Israel has brought us nothing but headaches,” Brzezinski opined. “Jews have been a sore spot in the region since the days of the Roman Empire. Eliminating their presence there would solve a lot of problems.” Brzezinski conceded that his proposed change would not be easy, but suggested that a possible Israeli air strike against Iran’s nuclear capabilities might offer an opening. “Say we have US forces shoot down the aircraft involved...

After battling a head cold all weekend (with the old family cranberry juice and vodka remedy) I was delighted to discover my inbox runneth over with submissions for the prestigious Iowahawk Endowment for the Arts $33.18 Steel Cage Art Death Match. Continued

President Barack Obama has requested that Governor David Paterson (D-NY) discontinue his bid to be reelected. The President’s request comes amidst polls showing that Paterson is likely to fare poorly. “In these troubled times extraordinary leadership is required at all levels of government,” Obama declared. “From what has transpired since his elevation to the governorship, it seems clear that Paterson lacks the vision needed to provide that leadership. It would be best for all concerned if he were to step aside.” The President expressed his hope that Paterson would “leave gracefully and voluntarily,” but said he wouldn’t hesitate to take...

Health ministers around the globe were sent a warning that “unless we receive £900 million by next Friday millions will die.” The message from a group calling itself the WHO, was composed of letters cut out of a newspaper (likely the New York Times, experts say), and specified that the money “must be in small, unmarked, non-consecutively numbered bills.” The message directed the ministers to await further instructions regarding the “drop location” and warned that “any attempt to contact the police will have dire consequences.” The surprisingly sparse media coverage of the incident was explained by former US UN Ambassador...

Fisker Automotive will receive a $529 million subsidy from the US government to build hybrid cars for the US market. This follows a previous subsidy award of $465 million to Tesla Motors to build electric cars. Both awards were made on the recommendation of international climate genius, former vice-president Al Gore. The models may seem a bit pricey for the average motorist with the Fisker vehicle going for an estimated $89,000 each and the Tesla for $109,000. Gore touted the subsidy as a “first step toward a completely green automotive future. While these vehicles may look expensive, they are really...

It turns out that Najibullah Zazi, the person arrested in connection in with a suspected New York City subway bomb plot, was able to obtain over $50,000 in loans from the Bank of America, Chase, Capital One, Discover and Citibank despite having no assets to pledge nor a steady work history. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner acknowledged that “some banks may have been a little lax in vetting borrowers, but let me remind you, we’re in a recession and it is the Administration’s policy to encourage banks to push the money the government lent them out the door as fast as...

Architect of the so-called compromise health care bill, Senator Max Baucus (D-Mont) defended a controversial provision in the legislation that would send those who refuse to pay for mandated insurance to prison. “Look, our goal is 100% compliance,” Baucus explained. “’Carrots’ aren’t enough to motivate those ideologically resistant to this goal. So, we’ve got to have the option of using the ‘stick.’” The Senator rejected the idea that those who don’t want to buy insurance are “innocent.” “Collectively, society has determined that everyone needs to be insured,” Baucus argued. “We cannot allow individuals to selfishly opt out. Such open rebellion...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eknuqWQ4-Mw

It's true -- U.S. government demand for art and art-like products has never been higher! Uncle Sam and the good folks at the National Endowment for the Arts are on the lookout for go-getting, obedient artists like you for a fast-paced career in state propaganda. With the quick and easy Federal Art Instruction Institute course, now you too can get a first class ticket on the federal art gravy train! Read the whole thing.