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Keyword: satire

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  • Iowa Supreme Court Bans Life Imprisonment for Teen Killers [semi-satire]

    05/30/2016 12:37:04 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 29 May 2016 | John Semmens
    In a 4-3 ruling, the Iowa Supreme Court banned lower courts from imposing life sentences for murders committed by teen-aged offenders. The ruling came in the case of Isaiah Richard Sweet, who was convicted of two counts of first-degree murder for fatally shooting his grandparents. Justice Brent Appel wrote that "a life sentence for a crime such as this is disproportionate. The victims were old and fairly close to a natural death. For their grandson to be sentenced to a life term that could easily amount to multiple decades is a punishment that I believe the victims themselves would have...
  • Professor Resigns to Protest Freedom of Speech [semi-satire]

    05/29/2016 10:30:04 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 29 May 2016 | John Semmens
    Contending that "so-called free speech is delusional," DePaul University sociology professor Dr. Shu-Ju Cheng has resigned her post in protest. The event that spurred Dr. Cheng's protest was the aborted speech of Milo Yiannopolis on the University's campus last week. Despite paying the University for security, student thugs were permitted to seize the stage and disrupt the speech. Cheng was outraged, not that thugs were allowed to drown out views with which they disagreed, but that Yiannopolis was invited "to air his anti-progressive message." "The whole concept of freedom of speech is an antiquated idea derived from dead white men,"...
  • VA Waits for Ailing Vets “Not So Bad” [semi-satire]

    05/28/2016 11:20:54 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 29 May 2016 | John Semmens
    This week, Secretary of Veterans Affairs Robert McDonald rebuffed critics of the agency’s long queues for medical treatment of ailing veterans, comparing them to the long lines to get on rides at Disneyland. “No one is on the Disney Corporation’s case for the lengthy wait-times at their theme parks,” McDonald asserted. “Why should we get worked up over wait-times at VA hospitals?” “You know, if people can tolerate waiting an hour for something as frivolous as a roller coaster ride shouldn’t they be willing to wait a reasonable amount of time for something as crucial as medical care?” the Secretary...
  • President Suggests Hillary's Email "a Matter for Voters to Decide" [semi-satire]

    05/27/2016 4:58:21 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 29 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Irritated that the media would dare to pose a question about the legality of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton's unsecured email communications, President Obama refused to comment, suggesting that "whether she did anything that was really wrong is a matter for voters to decide. And from what I've seen so far, she's on her way to securing the Democratic nomination for president. I think that says the majority of Americans are okay with how she's handled it." The media's unwelcome inquiry was spurred by an 83-page State Department Inspector General's report calling Clinton's email operation an "inexcusable and willful...
  • CPUSA Pledges to Support Democrat for President [semi-satire]

    05/25/2016 12:36:43 PM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 22 May 2016 | John Semmens
    The Communist Party of the United States (CPUSA) has enthusiastically endorsed "comrade Bernie Sanders as the progressive choice to complete the socialist revolution in America," but pledged its "support for whoever emerges with the Democratic Party's presidential nomination." John Bachtell, national chair of the CPUSA expressed his "pleasure with the progressive evolution of the Democratic Party. The Communist agenda has been totally absorbed by this mainstream Party. President Obama has taken this country further down the road than we could ever have hoped to do on our own. Although Bernie has been a long-time member of the revolutionary movement, Secretary...
  • Senator Aims to Redefine "Violent Crimes" [semi-satire]

    05/24/2016 10:54:51 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 22 May 2016 | John Semmens
    New Jersey Democratic Sen. Cory Booker is seeking a redefinition of "violent crimes." As a co-sponsor of the Sentencing Reform and Corrections Act of 2015 (SRCA), Booker is urging "a candid conversation about how we determine whether crimes are violent or not." "For too long a racist mindset has dominated how we look at crime," Booker charged. "In white society stabbing or shooting someone is considered abnormal and violent. This unfairly stigmatizes Black culture. Sentencing a minority offender based on white standards disproportionately impacts a vibrant segment of society." Booker urged that "we recognize the longer term history of racial...
  • ACLU Bemoans Court’s Pro-Choice Decision [semi-satire]

    05/23/2016 10:45:00 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 22 May 2016 | John Semmens
    This week Nevada District Judge Eric Johnson dismissed the ACLU’s case against the state’s school choice law. A change to Nevada statutes creating an education savings account (ESA) program that permits students and their parents to choose how to be educated was the source of the ACLU’s ire. Author of the legislation, State Sen. Scott Hammond (R-Las Vegas) said his aim was “to enable families to completely customize their child’s educational experience, and ensure students can match education options and providers to their unique learning needs.” These accounts can be used to pay for private school tuition, online learning, special...
  • Pope Confuses Christians [semi-satire]

    05/22/2016 11:32:21 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 22 May 2016 | John Semmens
    Pope Francis startled many Catholics this week by likening Jesus' admonition to his apostles to go forth and preach the Gospel to Mohamed's call for Muslims to wage jihad against unbelievers, calling both "incitements to conquest." "In a way, beheading someone or blowing them up may be less intrusive than Jesus' command to 'love thy neighbor' or to 'turn the other cheek,'" Francis said. "The jihadi attacks the body, but the Christian missionary invades the soul. Even the most grievous injury to the flesh is transitory. But changing a person's soul persists beyond his temporary Earthly existence." Francis went on...
  • White House Defends Rhodes’ Lies [semi-satire]

    05/21/2016 10:41:08 AM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 22 May 2016 | John Semmens
    While Deputy National Security Adviser Ben Rhodes’ lies about the Iran deal are a self-admitted matter of public record, an irate GOP controlled Congress will not be permitted to call him to testify. Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest brushed aside Rhodes’ admission in a New York Times feature article that “we fabricated the narrative and played the media like a fiddle,” as a “youthful mistake borne of an excess of enthusiasm. The fact of the matter is that Mr. Rhodes has the full confidence of President Obama and was carrying out his directives as he briefed the media regarding the...
  • "Ugly Women Will Put Hillary in White House" Says Dem [semi-satire]

    05/20/2016 4:13:55 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 29 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 22 May 2016 | John Semmens
    Former Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell (D) bragged that "ugly women will put Hillary in the White House next November. Donald Trump may have sponsored beauty pageants, but let's face it, the overwhelming majority of women are ugly. They're going to vote for one of their own kind over a billionaire misogynist." "For one thing, the Democratic Party is a better friend to ugly women," Rendell contended. "We give them what they want. We give them welfare, which comes in handy if you're too ugly or nasty to hold onto a man. We enact laws that give them the right to...
  • NYC Mayor Orders Bars to Serve Pregnant Women [semi-satire]

    05/18/2016 4:29:26 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 May 2016 | John Semmens
    New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio banned bars operating in the city from refusing to serve alcohol to pregnant women. This is despite virtually universal medical advice against the consumption of alcohol by expectant mothers. The Mayor said he is "cognizant of the damage that might be done to an unborn child if its mother imbibes, but the possibility of harm is not a sufficient reason for a business establishment to discriminate against these women. Under New York's laws a woman has an unconstrained right to kill her unborn child if she so chooses. The less extreme option of...
  • Transgender school house Rock:I'm just a bill but I wanna be Jill

    05/18/2016 12:06:00 PM PDT · by mainestategop · 9 replies
    YOUTUBE ^ | Steven Crowder
    From http://LouderWithCrowder.com How does a bill become a law? How does a law cause so much controversy like in North Carolina or Georgia. Why are the LGBTQAAI warriors so angry at the transgender bathroom bills? Allow trans-gender bill to explain.
  • Judge Blocks Restitution to Innocent Man [semi-satire]

    05/18/2016 11:31:20 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 May 2016 | John Semmens
    Guillermo Espinoza's efforts to retrieve $19,894 seized by Arkansas State Police were brought to an abrupt halt by Judge Chris Williams. State prosecutors asked that the money be returned to Espinoza since no criminal charges were being pursued against him. Williams rejected this request on the grounds that Espinoza had missed the 10-day deadline for filing the papers to initiate restitution. As Williams sees it, "the rules on civil forfeiture are clearly spelled out in statute. Whether or not Mr. Espinoza was or wasn't engaged in any illegal activity is irrelevant. Arkansas law gives the government the right to seize...
  • Debate on Pot Legalization Heats up in California [semi-satire]

    05/16/2016 10:30:54 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 May 2016 | John Semmens
    The debate over a California initiative to legalize recreational marijuana sparked heated rejoinders from both sides this week. Rep. Dana Rohrabacher (R) suggested that legalization "will better deploy law enforcement resources. Energy that is now put into harassing inoffensive users of marijuana can be redirected toward suppressing more serious crimes like rape and murder." Leading opponent of legalization, Ventura Police Chief Ken Corney, president of the California Police Chiefs Association, challenged the Congressman "to name one so-called rape or murder victim who might otherwise have been spared if police officers weren't occupied enforcing our drug laws." "Potheads like to portray...
  • Pedophile Airways and Island Resort (Satire)

    05/15/2016 5:15:29 PM PDT · by RetiredTexasVet · 5 replies
    Satire & Sarcasm | 5/15/16 | RetiredTexasVet
    Pedophile Airways and Island Resort announced today that it has reduced its prices and will give "double miles" to increase traffic to the resort. Double miles may be earned at any retail store or public educational facility operating under President Obama's "anything goes bathroom rules". Dreaming of a get away with that 12 year old boy or girl? Why while away the hours at the NSA, DEA, BLM, EPA, BLS, etc. watching child porn when you can be on a plane and in the action within hours. Many payment plans are available. Can't spend those kickbacks from the BLM job......
  • Zuckerberg Denies Suppressing Conservative News [semi-satire]

    05/15/2016 5:00:28 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 6 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 May 2016 | John Semmens
    Reports that Facebook moderators routinely suppress trending news favorable to conservatives were vigorously denied by CEO Mark Zuckerberg, who claimed "I don't even know who the leaders of the conservative movement are. So how can I or my employees be biased against them?" This is the second display of ideological bias to issue from Zuckerberg this year. Earlier, the Facebook executive berated employees for abusing a company-granted "freedom-of-expression" policy to write "all lives matter" on a wall devoted to free expression in the company's Melo Park, California headquarters. "I could not allow the insensitivity toward the 'Black lives matter' meme...
  • President Decrees New Nationwide School Restroom & Locker Room Law [semi-satire]

    05/15/2016 1:25:41 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 7 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 May 2016 | John Semmens
    In a bid aimed at "stopping a confusing patchwork of divergent rules," President Obama issued an executive order mandating that every public school in the United States make all previously sexually-segregated restrooms and locker rooms open to persons of both sexes. Instead of relying on biological differences to determine which toilets, which showers, or which athletic teams students should have access to, schools must now use psychological differences. Biological males who think of themselves as female must be allowed to use facilities previously restricted to biological females, and vice versa. Vanita Gupta, head of the Justice Department's Civil Rights Division...
  • Clinton Foundation Scandals Pooh-Poohed by Insider [semi-satire]

    05/14/2016 4:17:21 PM PDT · by John Semmens
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 May 2016 | John Semmens
    Bill Allison, a senior fellow at the Sunlight Foundation, a government watchdog group, labeled the so-called charity "a slush fund for the Clintons. Only a small fraction of the money raised is distributed as aid. The vast bulk of the money is used on administration, travel, salaries and bonuses, with the fattest payouts going to family friends." Clinton Foundation spokesman Craig Minassian asserted that "no laws have been broken. How any charitable trust spends the funds it receives is a matter of discretion. The donors all gave voluntarily. They wanted the Clinton family to have this money. We haven't heard...
  • White House Dismisses Court Ruling on Obamacare [semi-satire]

    05/14/2016 11:00:06 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 15 May 2016 | John Semmens
    Federal Judge Rosemary Collyer's ruling that the Obama Administration has been illegally subsidizing health insurance companies failed to faze the President or his minions. Presidential Press Secretary Josh Earnest mocked "the impotence of the President's political opponents. These court cases are an act of desperation. The GOP has lost this battle in the public arena. Voters reelected President Obama. That gives him all the mandate he needs to govern this country. Complaining that Congress never appropriated the money for the subsidies seeks to elevate a constitutional technicality above the will of voters." The "constitutional technicality" that Judge Collyer found persuasive...
  • Pope To Commission Study To Find More Ways He Can Confuse People

    05/14/2016 9:17:01 AM PDT · by ebb tide · 17 replies
    Eye of the Tiber ^ | May 12, 2016 | Admin
    Pope Francis said today that he would set up a commission to study whether or not he can find more ways to confuse and frustrate the living crap out of people, revealing an openness to re-examining the church’s long-held insistence on not speaking off-the-cuff. His move was hailed as a breakthrough by those in the media who have clamored for years to be given more stuff to speculate on, and who cite research showing that a pope whose speeches were scripted and thought out produced nothing for the media to report on, and therefore, pointless. But the idea will face...