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Keyword: satire

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  • Carter Slams White Feelings of Superiority [semi-satire]

    06/06/2015 6:39:21 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 12 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 June 2015 | John Semmens
    Former President Jimmy Carter denounced white feelings of superiority as "racist residue" during an interview with the American Association of Retired Persons.(AARP). "Whites who use statistics indicating that Blacks are disproportionately involved in crime or on welfare are making judgments that neglect to consider valid cultural differences," the former President said. "The notion that earning a living is more respectable than subsisting on government benefits is pure prejudice. Logically, accepting welfare rather than submitting to wage-slavery makes perfect sense. Failure to credit Blacks who have made this logical decision reflects poorly on whites." "As for the higher Black participation in...
  • Senator Wants RICO Prosecution of "Climate Change Deniers" [semi-satire]

    06/05/2015 5:32:39 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 15 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 5 June 2015 | John Semmens
    Arguing that "the threat of global climate change is the greatest crisis we have ever faced," Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse (D-Conn) has called for the Department of Justice (DOJ) to employ the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations (RICO) Act against those who dispute the threat. "Can we really afford to engage in debate when the world is literally melting right before our eyes?" Whitehouse wanted to know. "Those who try to insert feigned skepticism as a barrier to action are worse than jihadi terrorists. They are shills for the corrupt industries that profiteer off Americans' selfish addictions to comfort and mobility....
  • Ferguson Rioters Demand Backpay [semi-satire]

    06/02/2015 12:13:15 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 30 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Hundreds of individuals who came from across the country to participate in the riots in Ferguson, Missouri after a police officer shot cigar thief Michael Brown during a physical altercation, are complaining that they are owed backpay by Missourians Organizing for Reform and Empowerment (MORE). “We were promised $5,000 a person per month for keeping that town in the news,” complained Ward Burns, one of 500 protesters bussed in from Boston, Chicago, Columbus, Detroit, Houston, Los Angeles, Nashville, Portland, Tucson, Washington, D.C., Winston-Salem, North Carolina, and other cities. “We need to get paid.” MORE is funded by left-wing billionaire George...
  • Documents Reveal State Dept Aided Rise of ISIS [semi-satire]

    06/01/2015 8:33:03 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 30 May 2015 | John Semmens
    The latest batch of declassified emails from former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s private server indicate that weapons used by ISIS to conquer half of Syria and Iraq were covertly supplied by the US. It appears that Ambassador Christopher Stevens was intimately involved in smuggling armaments from captured Libyan stockpiles to anti-Assad forces in Syria. Current Secretary of State John Kerry defended the arms transfers as “based on the best intelligence we had at the time. We knew Assad was a brutal dictator who needed to be deposed. We thought relying on anti-government elements in Syria could do the job...
  • IRS Defiant on Data Breach [semi-satire]

    05/31/2015 9:43:02 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 30 May 2015 | John Semmens
    This week’s revelation that hackers stole the identities of 100,000 taxpayers from the IRS was characterized as “small potatoes” by Commissioner John Koskinen. “There are over 120 million individuals who pay federal income taxes. The 100,000 who will be victimized by this data breach represent less than one-tenth of one-percent of the total.” Koskinen went on to boast that “we stop nearly 50% of the breaches we know about before any individual’s information can be used to defraud the government”–an effectiveness ratio that he contended “far outshines your typical performance for any other federal agency.” The Commissioner lamented that “while...
  • Court Strikes Down Idaho Abortion Limitation [semi-satire]

    05/30/2015 10:41:54 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 3 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 30 May 2015 | John Semmens
    An Idaho statute banning abortions after the fetus reaches 20 weeks of age was struck down by the US 9th Circuit Court of Appeals as “an undue burden on a parent’s ability to get an abortion.” “The assertion that 20 weeks is the age at which the fetus is capable of feeling pain cannot be permitted to outweigh the Supreme Court’s Roe v. Wade decision that a woman’s access to abortion is a fundamental right that cannot be abridged by state action,” wrote Judge Harry Pregerson for the three-judge panel hearing the case. “First of all, a fetus is not...
  • More than 20% of Americans Receive Welfare [semi-satire]

    05/30/2015 1:32:34 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 17 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 29 May 2015 | John Semmens
    According to the latest Census Bureau data, 21.3% of those living in America are receiving welfare benefits. This includes more than 41% of Blacks, more than 36% of Hispanics, more than 17% of Asians and more than 13% of whites. Health and Human Services Secretary Sylvia Burwell called it "a good start on the President's transformative agenda. Ideally, all output would be put into a common pot and doled out to individuals and families based on need. The notion that a person should be self-supporting is archaic. In another generation it will be completely replaced by an appreciation for the...
  • Kerry Calls for Stricter Government Regulation of Internet [semi-satire]

    05/26/2015 10:58:45 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 May 2015 | John Semmens
    In a speech in South Korea US Secretary of State John Kerry called for government to play a bigger role in what goes on the Internet. Kerry advised that “we take a lesson from what’s going on in North Korea. Sure, there are a lot of things wrong with the way Kim is governing his country, but that doesn’t mean everything he’s doing is a mistake.” “A key positive in Kim’s policies is the government’s larger role in filtering what the citizens of North Korea can see and hear from the Internet,” the Secretary maintained. “Antisocial content that could undermine...
  • Police to use purple uniforms to “soften image” [satire]

    05/25/2015 10:01:00 AM PDT · by EveningStar · 54 replies
    Call the Cops ^ | May 23, 2015 | RJ
    Last week the President called for police to soften up uniforms to improve public relations. In response the Department of Justice is getting ready to field test new uniforms in friendly colors. Various shades of Purple are being tested as it seems to be universally thought of as a color of friendship.
  • Pay Hike Needed to Boost Congress’ Morale [semi-satire]

    05/25/2015 10:35:57 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Several Democrats, including Minority Whip Steny Hoyer (Md), made the case for higher compensation this week citing “the low morale among those of us in the legislature who can only salivate at the sums being hauled in by ex-presidents and others for trifling amounts of work. As members of a body of 435 we won’t have the same name recognition. We won’t be invited to pontificate on sundry topics for piles of cash.” Rep. Alcee Hastings (D-Fla) seconded Hoyer’s remarks saying “we need to get a bigger piece of the pie now! We pass laws doling out billions to important...
  • Maulana Fazlur Rehman Calls For Military Operation Against Jeans-Wearing Women (NUTTY ISLAM ALERT)

    05/24/2015 7:45:14 PM PDT · by goldstategop · 29 replies
    Khabaristan Times ^ | 05/22/2015 | NA
    Islamabad: Jamiat Ulema-e-Islami Fazl (JUI-F) Chief Maulana Fazlur Rehman following the Friday sermon requested the armed forces of Pakistan to launch a military operation against “jeans-wearing women” all over Pakistan in a press conference at a local hotel in Islamabad. Fazlur Rehman while highlighting the demerits of an operation against the Tehrik-e-Taliban Pakistan (TTP) said that the Taliban were not Pakistan’s enemy and the forces needed to target the real enemies of Pakistan. “The Taliban are our brothers and their angst against the state is justified,” Fazl said adding that, “As brother Ansar Abbasi has so eloquently put in the...
  • Hillary Clinton: We need to redefine what free speech means(satire)

    05/24/2015 12:33:12 PM PDT · by ReformationFan · 5 replies
    The People's Cube ^ | 5-24-15 | Chedoh
    Hillary Clinton released an announcement over Memorial Day weekend on her Facebook page, saying that what we may think of as "free speech" can be hurtful towards other Americans, and we should put more effort into monitoring what we and others say to avoid painful dialogues, especially on the internet. "There is a problem in this country when people, mostly right-wing bigots, can easily inflict pain and suffering towards others through hurtful words and objections against alternative lifestyles and political stances. You often see it on Facebook and other forms of social media, where they are constantly spewing hate and...
  • Candidate Says “Everything Will Be Free When I’m President” [semi-satire]

    05/24/2015 6:34:46 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 5 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Self-described socialist and candidate for the 2016 Democratic presidential nomination Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders promised voters that “everything will be free when I’m president.” “In a country as rich as ours it is shameful that mere lack of money should block anyone from having all the good things of life,” Sanders said. “No one should be stigmatized by having to grovel to qualify for food stamps or be denied entry into college because they can’t afford it or don’t have good high school grades. Anyone who wants to eat should simply be permitted to take food from a grocery store...
  • Taking Trump Seriously (American Thinker)

    05/24/2015 2:18:23 AM PDT · by Cringing Negativism Network · 76 replies
    American Thinker ^ | May 24 2015 | By Malcolm Unwell
    Are you not eagerly anticipating Donald Trump’s announcement about whether he will run for president? This is a serious question, despite all the mockery that is aimed at the real estate mogul. Skepticism about his potential candidacy is understandable, but the tone towards Trump would likely change dramatically were he to announce his candidacy. Read more: http://www.americanthinker.com/articles/2015/05/taking_trump_seriously.html#ixzz3b2uFIVjj Follow us: @AmericanThinker on Twitter | AmericanThinker on Facebook
  • Bush Defends Warrantless Government Surveillance [semi-satire]

    05/23/2015 1:09:18 PM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 May 2015 | John Semmens
    While one GOP presidential candidate filibustered legislation extending the National Security Agency’s (NSA) authority to spy on Americans, another alleges that “there’s not a shred of evidence that this surveillance has violated anyone’s civil liberties.” GOP presidential candidate Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ken) spoke for 10 hours on the floor of the Senate contending that NSA’s warrantless violations of privacy are unconstitutional. “The Fourth Amendment was intended to protect us from unreasonable searches,” Rand argued. “It calls for government to obtain a warrant from a judge based on ‘probable cause.’ The gathering of massive amounts of private information without such warrants...
  • Failure to Disclose $26 Million in Bribes an "Oversight" Says CEO [semi-satire]

    05/23/2015 9:26:30 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 1 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Recent revelations that the Clinton Foundation neglected to report over $26 million in payments from major corporations, universities, foreign sources and other groups was characterized as "a mere oversight" by Foundation Chief Executive Officer Donna Shalala. "The Foundation has raised more than $2 billion dollars over the years its been in existence," Shalala pointed out. "The $26 million everyone is hyperventilating over is relative pocket change amounting to barely 1% of the total. It's on a par with a Congressman failing to report a free vacation from a lobbyist or a waiter forgetting to report all his tip income to...
  • Hillary Defends Benghazi Lies [semi-satire]

    05/23/2015 1:01:51 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 23 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Evidence that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was informed that the assault on the Benghazi Consulate and murder of Ambassador Stevens was a planned terrorist attack before she went public with the misleading cover story of a video protest gone bad failed to dislodge her from defending it. "Sure, we knew within hours of the Ambassador's death that the attack had been planned at least 10 days in advance, but for us to have publicly acknowledged this would have put the country into even greater danger," Clinton maintained. "Remember, this attack occurred just two months ahead of a presidential...
  • Bush Would Use Obama Immigration Order to Extort Legislation from Congress [semi-satire]

    05/20/2015 10:21:01 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 4 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 16 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Potential candidate for president and former Governor of Florida JEB Bush told FOX News’ Megyn Kelly that “unlike some other GOP presidential contenders, I would not move to immediately undo President Obama’s executive action granting special privileges to illegal immigrants. Instead, I would refuse to revoke it until Congress passed appropriate enabling legislation. In any case, the American voter can count on me to see that legalizing those in this country illegally will go forward with or without legislation.” Bush acknowledged the shaky legality of Obama’s executive action, but averred that “doing the right thing is more important than confining...
  • Senator Says NFL Priorities “Screwed Up” [semi-satire]

    05/19/2015 10:36:38 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 2 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 16 May 2015 | John Semmens
    The announcement that the New England Patriots and Quarterback Tom Brady would be penalized for cheating drove Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) into a frenzy. “I find it stunning that the NFL cares more about how much air is in a football than it cares about a racist franchise name,” Reid raved. “No one need have known about the under-inflated balls. Covertly tipping the scales is simply business-as-usual. By going public with this scandal the NFL has ‘shot itself in the foot,’ and to what end?” “The much more serious offense is the refusal of the Washington team to...
  • Obama Calls for Change in How the Media Reports [semi-satire]

    05/18/2015 9:36:51 AM PDT · by John Semmens · 8 replies
    Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 16 May 2015 | John Semmens
    Citing the “especially grievous slant that FOX gives to the news,” President Obama called for “better policing of the public airways to prevent this intellectual pollution.” “When I see how FOX is constantly undermining what I am trying to do for America by pointing out every flaw and defect of my policies I feel sorry for America,” the President said. “How can our people be joyful if their TVs are parading so-called failures in front of them in their own living rooms?” “The abuse of freedom of the press and freedom of speech for the purpose of destroying faith in...