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Keyword: joke

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  • The Old, Blind Cowboy

    05/09/2018 8:19:31 AM PDT · by Oldpuppymax · 22 replies
    The Coach's Team ^ | 5/9/18 | Unk
    An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent… In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer...
  • WATCH: Conservative Black Man TROLLS Starbucks; Gets Free Coffee By Simply Saying “Racism”

    04/19/2018 10:59:29 AM PDT · by blam · 35 replies
    A Twitter user by the name of “Hotep Jesus” walked into a Starbucks store and received a FREE cup of coffee simply because he said “I heard y’all was racist”. Starbucks has taken major heat over the last few days after a viral video showed two black men being taken away by police after causing a scene at a Starbucks because they weren’t allowed to use the restroom. In response to this incident, Starbucks announced that they will close 8,000 stores for one day in May for an afternoon for race-bias training. Bryan Sharpe, who goes by “Hotep Jesus” on...
  • Zuckerberg Loses Contact Lens During Senate Hearing Revealing Horrifying Lizard Eye

    04/11/2018 7:34:22 AM PDT · by savedbygrace · 26 replies
    WASHINGTON, D.C.—During his much-publicized appearance before a bipartisan Senate committee Tuesday, the false, humanlike contact lens Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg had placed over his left eye accidentally fell out, revealing the horrifying yellow lizard eye lying underneath. “Senator, I don’t have that information with me right now,” the tech billionaire said for the seven hundredth time just before the incident. As he moved to take a drink of water to appear like a real human who thirsts, the faux human-eye lens fell out of his eye socket and the awful, piercing alien eyeball underneath quickly focused on the Senator questioning...
  • Facebook Staffers Coach Mark Zuckerberg On Humanlike Behavior Ahead Of Congressional Testimony

    04/10/2018 9:52:56 AM PDT · by fishtank · 20 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | 4-9-18 | B. Bee
    Facebook Staffers Coach Mark Zuckerberg On Humanlike Behavior Ahead Of Congressional Testimony April 9, 2018 MENLO PARK, CA—According to sources from within Facebook headquarters, interns and staffers at the social network were training Mark Zuckerberg on how to act human ahead of his expected congressional testimony this week.
  • The Barbershop

    01/01/2018 9:37:16 PM PST · by LibWhacker · 5 replies
    Knuckledraggin ^ | 1/1/18 | Ken Lane
    The Barbershop Donald Trump and Obama ended up in the same barber shop. Each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave. Obama was quick to stop him saying, “No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I’ve been in a whorehouse all day.” The second barber turned to Trump and said, “How about you sir?” Trump replied, “Go ahead;...
  • Rep. Maxine Waters: 'Impeachment Is About Whatever the Congress Says It Is'

    09/21/2017 9:12:12 AM PDT · by Red Badger · 68 replies
    CNS ^ | September 21, 2017 | 11:05 AM EDT | STAFF
    (CNSNews.com) - Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif.), who previously has called for the impeachment of Donald Trump, on Thursday told a Congressional Black Caucus Town Hall on Civil Rights that she expects other members of the black community to back her up: “Don't come here and tell me, ‘Maxine, you keep on doing what you do.’ But when you gonna give me some support?” she asked. “How many of you in your organizations have said, 'Impeach 45' ?” Waters urged the crowd not to get hung up on what law to invoke in the impeachment process: Impeachment is about whatever the...
  • Mueller investigation focusing on social media's role in 2016 election: report

    09/13/2017 3:25:31 PM PDT · by 2ndDivisionVet · 42 replies
    The Hill ^ | September 13, 2017 | Max Greenwood
    Special counsel Robert Mueller's investigation into Russia's efforts to meddle in the 2016 presidential election is focusing increasingly on how Moscow used social media to disrupt the presidential race, according to a Bloomberg report. That involves seeking additional information about Russian activities on Facebook and Twitter. Facebook disclosed last week that a Kremlin-linked company purchased more than $100,000 worth of ads on its platform that ran between June 2015 and May 2017. Those ads were linked to nearly 500 fraudulent accounts that likely operated out of Russia and focused on hot-button issues like immigration and gun control. Likewise, Twitter is...
  • Friday Fun

    08/04/2017 6:23:03 AM PDT · by sodpoodle · 15 replies
    friendly email | 8/4/2017 | unknown
    An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?” Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you on three occasions during these 50 years, but always for a good reason. Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you...
  • Federal Agents Just Paid a Visit to Kathy Griffin — And Grilled Her for Over an Hour

    07/04/2017 6:36:55 PM PDT · by Beave Meister · 34 replies
    Independent Journal Review ^ | 7/4/2017 | JASON HOWERTON
    When Kathy Griffin posed for a photoshoot holding a fake decapitated, bloody head of President Donald Trump in June, she likely didn’t think about the wide-reaching implications of her so-called “joke.” While her controversial stunt resulted in some serious professional consequences, it also earned her a lengthy visit from the U.S. Secret Service. Secret Service agents reportedly tracked down Griffin and interviewed her in person for more than an hour. Further, the investigation into the bloody head debacle remains open. Griffin’s attorney, Dmitry Gorin, has claimed the comedian was merely exercising her “First Amendment rights to tell a joke.” “When...
  • Feminist researcher invents ‘intersectional quantum physics’ to fight ‘oppression’ of Newton

    05/30/2017 7:40:07 AM PDT · by C19fan · 21 replies
    College Fix ^ | May 30, 2017 | Toni Airaksinen
    A feminist academic affiliated with the University of Arizona has invented a new theory of “intersectional quantum physics,” and told the world about it in a journal published by Duke University Press. Whitney Stark argues in support of “combining intersectionality and quantum physics” to better understand “marginalized people” and to create “safer spaces” for them, in the latest issue of The Minnesota Review.
  • Calvinist Health Insurance Company Declares All Conditions Pre-Existing

    05/11/2017 3:56:51 PM PDT · by SoFloFreeper · 45 replies
    Babylon Bee ^ | 5/10/17
    SANFORD, FL—A newly formed health insurance company owned by a group of devoted Calvinists announced that they will not cover any health condition, since every condition of humankind was pre-existing and established by sovereign God before the foundation of time. The company, Total Deductibility, states clearly in its bylaws that “pre-existing conditions may not be covered, which include every possible ailment and so-called ‘accident,’ all of which God foreknew and predestined to occur prior to the existence of the client’s policy, and time itself.” The firm was thrilled when the new GOP health care law, which drops the requirement to...
  • Woodward: 'Mr. President, the media is not fake news'

    04/30/2017 10:21:08 AM PDT · by ProtectOurFreedom · 84 replies
    The Hill ^ | 04/30/17 | REBECCA SAVRANSKY
    Veteran reporter Bob Woodward sent a message directed to President Trump late Saturday: "The media is not fake news." "The effort today to get this best obtainable version of the truth is largely made in good faith," Woodward said during remarks at the White House Correspondents' Association dinner. "Mr. President, the media is not fake news." Woodward said during his speech that any president and his administration is "clearly entitled to the most serious reporting efforts possible." "We need to understand, to listen, to dig — obviously our reporting needs to get both facts and tone right," he said. "The...
  • Bill O’Reilly Apologizes for Calling Maxine Waters’ Hair a ‘James Brown Wig’

    03/29/2017 5:58:00 AM PDT · by SoFloFreeper · 54 replies
    variety.com ^ | 3/28/17 | Seth Kelly
    Bill O’Reilly apologized on Tuesday after he sparked backlash for calling Maxine Waters’ hair a “James Brown wig.” “As I have said many times, I respect Congresswoman Maxine Waters for being sincere in her beliefs,” O’Reilly said. “I said that again today on Fox & Friends calling her ‘old school.’ Unfortunately, I also made a jest about her hair which was dumb. I apologize.”
  • My Mother-In-Law Lives In Constant Fear Of Being Deported By President Trump !

    03/20/2017 1:24:57 PM PDT · by Strac6 · 39 replies
    email from friend in NY
    Dear Mr. President, My Mother-In-Law lives in constant fear of your deportation for illegal immigrants. Just so you are sure who she is, her she lives at 3178 Happy Valley Lane, Century City, Florida 33812. The pastel pink house. She gets back from the Senior Citizens Center about 5 and is in the house all evening, except Tuesdays which is local Democrat Club meeting, and Thursday which is Canasta Night. About 5' 2" - - 160 - - Blue Hair.
  • 'The Most Transparent Administration in History' A campaign promise becomes a punchline.

    01/18/2017 6:45:00 AM PST · by Behind Liberal Lines · 7 replies
    Reason ^ | February 2017 | C.J. Ciaramella
    Since 2009, press access to the White House has been notably restricted, whistleblower prosecutions have spiked, and Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) lawsuits against the federal government have reached an all-time high. In 2013, the Committee to Protect Journalists published a scathing report, written by former Washington Post editor Leonard Downie Jr., on the Obama administration's obsession with controlling media coverage and burnishing its image.... The most immediate change was a sudden clampdown on unauthorized comments and interviews. The Obama administration made sure the word got out: The only people who talk to journalists are public affairs officers. In 2014,...
  • FAKE NEWS: BuzzFeed and CNN fall for Trump P-ss Story That was 4Chan Prank

    01/11/2017 4:14:23 AM PST · by servo1969 · 155 replies
    Thegatewaypundit.com ^ | 1-10-2017 | Jim Hoft
    With just ten days to go before he is sworn in as America's forty-fifth president, the political establishment went nuclear on President-elect Donald Trump Tuesday with a double-barreled blast of “leaked” “intelligence” reports by CNN and BuzzFeed.The documents contain explosive, but unverified, opposition research that alleges intel ties between Russia and Trump and also claims Russia holds sexual blackmail material over Trump.One of the most outrageous unconfirmed allegations in the report claims the Russians recorded Trump watching Russian prostitutes urinate on each other in a Moscow hotel room previously occupied by President and Mrs. Barack Obama.Now this… Buzzfeed, Cosmopolitan, and...
  • Well, I'm at the emergency room.

    01/01/2017 9:36:51 PM PST · by Jeff Chandler · 76 replies
    1/1/2017 | Jeff Chandler
    This morning was not a good start to New Years week. I decided to go horseback riding, something I haven't done in many years, and which Mrs. Chandler warned me was not a good idea, but I refused to let her hold me back. It turned out to be a big mistake! I got on the horse and started out slowly, but then we went a little faster; and before I knew it, we were going as fast as the horse could go. I couldn't take the pace and fell off, but caught my foot in the stirrup with the...
  • Rogue Texas GOP Elector Trolls Trump on Twitter

    12/19/2016 1:59:50 AM PST · by Enlightened1 · 24 replies
    GP ^ | 12/18/16 | Jim Hoft
    This clown’s 15 minutes of fame are about up. So he’s making the most of it. After tomorrow he will just be known as the crazy liar who voted against Trump after he pledged to support him. Chris Suprun is one of 38 Texas electors. He recently went public with his decision to go against the will of the people of Texas; he will not be honoring his pledge to vote for President Elect, Donald Trump. Chris Suprun has taken quite a beating on social media by Americans who are outraged at his decision to go rogue. There was even...
  • So, have you heard the one about the old man and the U.S. Marine standing guard at the White House?

    12/11/2016 11:15:20 PM PST · by Jyotishi · 15 replies
    On a sunny day at the end of January 2017, an old man approaches the White House from Across Pennsylvania Avenie where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He walked up to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton." The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here." The old man said, "Okay," and quietly walked away. The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President...
  • Bear Pranking

    12/09/2016 9:11:50 AM PST · by w1n1 · 13 replies
    Cal Sportsman ^ | 12/9/2016 | S Morstan
    Would you this to your co-workers? Bear! Or not. With friends like these, who needs enemies? Sometimes office teasing goes a little beyond "Go pick up a bottle of elbow grease" or "See if you can find me the level straightener", and delves into the pre-planned pranking. case in point: The "bear" milling around outside! On a construction site, seeing a bear probably isn’t all that far from the realm of possibility. I've never been one to tease somebody for having a functioning Fight or Flight reflex, though. What do you think? Seen or done any good pranks lately? I'm...