Free Republic

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published July 25, 2004.) When word got around the music community that the original Federal Duck was getting back together after 35 years, the reaction from serious rock fans was unanimous: ``Why?'' I should explain that the Federal Duck was the band I belonged to when I was a student at Haverford College back in the '60s. We were originally called The Stomp Jackson Quintet, and then The Guides (don't ask), but we came up with our new and final name one night when we were lying on the bank of the Haverford...

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published April 25, 2004.) Every now and then, you come across a story so darned heartwarming that you need to take a prescription antacid. This is such a story. I found out about it from alert reader David Rankin, who sent me the Jan. 3 front page of the Sevier County, Tenn., Mountain Press. On it is an article about a Danville, Va.-based textile company called ''Dan River,'' which was closing its Sevierville plant and laying off workers. Evidently, some savvy individual in management realized that the workers would be unhappy about losing...

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published May 30, 2004.) I figured out why movie stars generally are young. It's not just because they look good naked. It's also because their brains still work. I learned this recently when I became an ''actor'' in a movie being made in Miami based on a book I wrote about guys. I put ''actor'' in quotation marks because real actors can, you know, act. Whereas my job in this movie was to walk into the scene where the real actors were acting, and say a line like: ''Now, that's a good example...

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Nov. 28, 2004.) It is time for another rendition of "Ask Mister Language Person, " the only grammar column approved for internal use by the Food and Drug Administration; the grammar column that puts the "dip" in "diphthong," the "vern" in "vernacular," and the "dang" in "dangling participle." Today we shall commence right at the outset by starting with our first question, which concerns vocabulary: Q. What does "decimate" mean? A. This often-misunderstood word is an anterior cruciate predicate that should be used in conjugal phrases, as follows: "Noreen was totally decimated...

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Nov. 28, 2004.) It's game night, and the Pinecrest Wolverettes are getting ready. The Wolverettes are my daughter's soccer team. They're all 4 years old, and they're all girls. They've been practicing under their coach, Susanna. They're learning the fundamentals of soccer, which are: 1. You're supposed to kick the ball. 2. You're not supposed to pick up the ball. 3. Even if you really really want to pick up the ball, you're not supposed to. 4. If you have to go potty, try to wait for a water break instead of...

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Feb. 24, 2002.) My advice to aspiring humor columnists is: Never make fun of North Dakota. Because the North Dakotans will invite you, nicely but relentlessly, to visit, and eventually you'll have to accept. When you get there, they'll be incredibly nice to you, treating you with such warmth and hospitality that before long you feel almost like family. Then they will try to asphyxiate you with sewer gas. I found this out when I went to Grand Forks, N.D., in January. I had made fun of Grand Forks and its sister...

It is a great honor to march in an inauguration parade. So when a group I belong to called the World Famous Lawn Rangers of Amazing Arcola was selected to march at Barack Obama's inauguration, our reaction, as Americans, was: "The organizers of this parade must be smoking crack." I say this because we are not a traditional marching unit. We are an extremely random group of middle-age guys who carry brooms and push specially decorated show lawn mowers, which we use to perform synchronized broom-and-lawn mower maneuvers that always get a big crowd reaction (usually: "Huh?"). As you can...

BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Feb. 29, 2004.) I haven't attempted to ski for years, but recently I decided to take another stab at it. I was hoping they'd done something about the gravity problem. Gravity is the biggest drawback to skiing. Without gravity, it would be a carefree activity: You'd put on your skis, head for the slopes and just . . . HOVER for a while. Then it would be time for ``apres ski'' (French for ''no longer skiing''). Instead, you have gravity. Huge amounts of it. Ski areas are located smack...

BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Aug. 22, 2004.) How do you rate yourself as a driver? No, that's a stupid question. You rate yourself above average. It's a well-known fact that all humans consider themselves to be above-average drivers, including primitive Amazonian mud people who have not yet discovered the wheel. No amount of physical evidence will convince a bad driver that he or she is a bad driver. You take a motorist who, while attempting to pull out of a parking space, mistakes ''forward'' for ''reverse,'' then, in an effort to correct this...

Dave Barry Year in Review: Bailing out of 2008BY DAVE BARRY Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson How weird a year was it? Here's how weird: • O.J. actually got convicted of something. • Gasoline hit $4 a gallon -- and those were the good times. • On several occasions, Saturday Night Live was funny. • There were a few days there in October when you could not completely rule out the possibility that the next Treasury Secretary would be Joe the Plumber. • Finally, and most weirdly, for the first time in history, the voters elected a president who -- despite...

How weird a year was it? Here's how weird: O.J. actually got convicted of something. Gasoline hit $4 a gallon -- and those were the "good" times. On several occasions, "Saturday Night Live" was funny. There were a few days there in October when you could not completely rule out the possibility that the next Treasury Secretary would be Joe the Plumber. Finally, and most weirdly, for the first time in history, the voters elected a president who -- despite the skeptics who said such a thing would never happen in the United States -- was neither a Bush nor...

Driving while stupid BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Sept. 22, 2002.) So I have to tell you what I saw on the interstate the other night. First, though, you must understand that this was not just any old interstate. This was I-95 in downtown Miami, proud home of the worst darned drivers in the world. I realize some of you are saying: ``Oh yeah? If you want to see REALLY bad drivers, you should come to MY city!'' Listen, I understand that this is a point of civic honor, and I am sure that...

Recently, my wife and I took our 8-month-old daughter on a trip involving five plane flights in one week. Many people would be reluctant to travel with a baby that small, but we had a compelling reason: We have Fig Newtons for brains. An intelligent person, or even a reasonably bright fungus, would know that two people cannot possibly carry both a baby and all the supplies the baby needs, including stroller, car seat, clothes, diapers, industrial-sized bale of wipes, stuffed bear, stuffed tiger, stuffed frog, stuffed paramecium, etc. The total weight of all these supplies can be hundreds of...

Flitting with disaster BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Oct. 14, 2001.) A very important issue that we all need to be concerned about is global warming, and we will get to that shortly, but first we need to discuss what happened the other night in my kitchen. It began when I was in the bedroom, flossing my teeth (I keep my teeth in the bedroom). Suddenly my wife burst in and said: ''There's a bat in the kitchen!'' A snappy comeback line would have been: ''No, thanks! I already ate!'' But snappy comebacks are...

Finding your inner lizard (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Aug. 11, 2001.) Today we present an important breakthrough in the ongoing effort by research scientists to figure out what, if anything, men are thinking. But first, we have an important warning concerning a worrisome topic that, unfortunately, is very much on our minds these days: pecan safety. This warning is based on an alarming report from the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, written by Heather Ratcliffe and sent in by a number (14 million) of alert readers. The report concerns a Pacific, Mo., couple who -- like so many...

Sliding down memory lane (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published April 13, 2003.) Recently, my little brother Phil (he's only 50) gave me a box that wound up with him some years ago, when our mom died and a bunch of family flotsam drifted down one generation. The box contains slides. For you young digital readers, I should explain that slides are transparencies made from photographs. They used to be very popular. When you wanted to look at big, bright images of your vacation, you'd get out your slides, spend a few seconds thinking about what a pain...

...The Democrats pounced immediately on the choice of Palin, charging that she is unqualified, especially compared to the ticket of Barack Obama and Joe Biden, who have a total of nearly 40 years of experience in the U.S. Senate, or, if you subtract Biden, nearly four years of experience...

DENVER -- The Democratic presidential convention finally reached its dramatic and historic climax Thursday night as Barack Obama, appearing in a stadium packed with nearly 80,000 wildly cheering supporters, kicked a 67-yard field goal to defeat the Oakland Raiders in overtime. He also formally accepted the Democratic nomination, thereby becoming the first Hawaiian-born Indonesian-educated African-American ever to become a major-party presidential candidate since Al Gore.

DENVER --This vibrant Western city has pulled out all the stops to make Democratic convention visitors feel welcome right from the moment they arrive at the huge and modern airport, conveniently located in nearby Kansas. From there it's less than a day's drive to downtown Denver, which has been spruced up for the convention with the installation of thousands of brand-new, state-of-the-art spittoons.

<p>I decided to go scout the Miami Dolphins on Monday, to see how they look this year. This is important, because the Dolphins represent South Florida's manhood, and last season we had the same community testosterone level as the audience for a Barbra Streisand concert. The Dolphins lost 15 games and won only one, which I believe was against Princeton.</p>

<p>When we think of Wisconsin, we think of it as the nation's Heartland -- a placid place where you can park your car anywhere and leave it unlocked, with the key in the ignition, knowing that no matter how long you're gone, when you return your car will be covered with cheese.</p>

Block the road all nite BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Oct. 15, 2000.) According to a recent newspaper article that I carefully clipped out and then lost but I remember the gist of, traffic gridlock in the United States is very bad. It's getting to the point where many commuters arrive at work, use the bathroom, then immediately begin commuting home. FACT: The average American commuter whose car radio is tuned to a ''Classic Rock'' station spends more time singing along to the Kiss song ''Rock And Roll All Nite'' than talking with his...

BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Sept. 2, 2002.) It's time for another installation of ''Ask Mister Language Person,'' the penultimate authority on grammatorical issues; the column that puts the ''p-u'' in punctuation; the only language column that was endorsed by both Jane Austen and William Shakespeare just before they died together in a romantic car crash. Today we regret that we must begin our column with this: TERRORIST THREAT WARNING We have received some alarming information from very high sources in the federal government. Q. How high were they? A. They were wearing their...

BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Nov. 5, 2000.) Recently, I had a great idea while waiting on hold for Customer Service. That's pretty much all I do these days: wait for Customer Service. My call is important to them. They have told me this many times in a sincere recorded message. They can't wait to serve me! They will answer my call just as soon as they finish serving the entire population of mainland China. It's my own darned fault that I need to speak to Customer Service. We made a really stupid homeowner...

Get me rewrite! BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published June 10, 2001.) On behalf of the newspaper industry (new, cost-cutting motto: ''All the News That''), I am announcing some changes we're making to serve you better. When I say ''serve you better,'' I mean ''increase our profits.'' We newspapers are very big on profits these days. We're a business, just like any other business, except that we employ English majors. To help you better understand our current situation, let's review the history of newspaper finances: The earliest known newspaper, published in 59 B.C. in Rome,...

Dave Barry: How your taxes turn into manure Apr. 13, 2008 BY DAVE BARRY Taxpayers: It's almost April 15, and you know what that means. It means the Miami Dolphins already have been mathematically eliminated from the playoffs. But it's also time to file your federal tax return. Yes, this is a pesky chore, but remember that paying taxes is not a ''one-way street.'' When you send your money to the government, the government, in return, provides you with vital services, such as not putting you in prison. The government also uses your money to pay for programs that benefit...

BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Dec. 31, 2000.) Today's topic for homeowners is: how to install a tile floor. Any home decorator will tell you that there is nothing quite like a tile floor for transforming an ordinary room into an ordinary room that has tile on the floor. But if you're like most homeowners, you think that laying tile is a job for the ''pros.'' Boy, are you ever stupid! Because the truth is that anybody can do it! All it takes is a little planning, the right materials and a Fire Rescue...

Dave Barry: Put Florida primary in prime time -- and text in your vote Mar. 21, 2008 I got to thinking about the Florida primary election mess the other night when I was watching TV with my wife. Actually, she was reading a book, because she hates the way I watch TV. I follow Standard Guy Remote Control Procedure (SGRCP), which requires you go to the next channel the instant that the current channel commits one of the Deadly Channel Sins, such as showing a commercial, or people redecorating a house, or Howie Mandel. Anyway, I was whipping through the...

Dave Barry: A journey into my colon -- and yours OK. You turned 50. You know you're supposed to get a colonoscopy. But you haven't. Here are your reasons: 1. You've been busy. 2. You don't have a history of cancer in your family. 3. You haven't noticed any problems. 4. You don't want a doctor to stick a tube 17,000 feet up your butt. Let's examine these reasons one at a time. No, wait, let's not. Because you and I both know that the only real reason is No. 4. This is natural. The idea of having another human,...

This time, music failed to soothe the savage beast BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published March 11, 2001.) It is a chilling question that we have all asked ourselves: What would we do if, God forbid, we had to get a squirrel out of a piano? This very question confronted an animal-control officer in Fairfax County, Va., recently, according to a news report from the Washington Post sent in by roughly two million alert readers. According to this report, the officer was responding to a report of ''a squirrel running inside a residence.'' When the...

Let's get the (birthday) party started right BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published April 21, 2002.) TODAY'S PARENTING TOPIC IS: Planning a birthday party for your two-year-old child. The first thing you must decide, when planning a birthday party for a two-year-old, is: Should you invite the two-year-old? Because a child that age can put a real damper on a party. And probably your child doesn't really understand that he or she is turning two. One of the best things about small children is that they have no clue how time works. My two-year-old daughter...

The lord of the dance doesn't have anything on me BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Dec. 22, 2002.) I am not a fan of ballet. Now, before you members of the Dance Community get your leotards in a bunch, let me stress that I KNOW I AM WRONG. I know that ballet is a beautiful artistic form that requires great dedication and skill. I'm just saying that I, personally, would rather watch a dog catch a Frisbee. My problem -- and it's MY problem, NOT ballet's problem -- is that, because I am culturally...

Gender gap is a true gift Dave Barry This is the time of year when a lot of women (by which I mean my wife) complain that women do WAY more holiday stuff than men do. Which is true. On any given day during the holidays, my wife wraps more presents than I have wrapped in my entire life. In terms of cubic footage of stuff wrapped (CFSW), she has basically wrapped the planet Saturn. So she is definitely carrying more than her share of the holiday load. HOWEVER, when she was complaining about we were discussing this today, I...

It was a year that strode boldly into the stall of human events and took a wide stance astride the porcelain bowl of history. It was year in which roughly 17,000 leading presidential contenders, plus of course Dennis Kucinich, held roughly 63,000 debates, during which they spewed out roughly 153 trillion words; and yet the only truly memorable phrase emitted in any political context was ``Don't tase me, Bro!'' It was a year filled with bizarre, insane, destructive behavior, an alarming amount of which involved astronauts. In short, 2007 was a year of deep gloom, pierced occasionally by rays of...

BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Feb. 6, 2000) We have some important news for those of you who've been harboring an urge to eat poinsettias. This news comes from an article in the Harrisburg, Pa., Patriot-News, sent in by alert reader Karen Durkin. The article makes this fascinating statement: ''Despite persistent rumors, poinsettias are NOT poisonous. Ohio State University testing has found that a 50-pound child could eat more than 500 poinsettia bracts with no ill effects other than possibly a sick stomach from eating that much foliage.'' The two questions that immediately come...

Dave Barry is running for president (yes, of the United States). He is currently leading every single poll by a wide margin, although you will read nothing about this in the so-called “mainstream” media. You can, however, find out where Dave stands on the issues by reading this Q&A, which consists of Q’s submitted by actual humans (we think) followed by Dave’s answers. You can also visit his official Web site. Or, you can do something productive with your life. But we don't recommend this. Some sample questions he has answered: Q Dave, there's a museum in Kentucky that claims...

I (cough) was a teenage smoker! BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Sept. 17, 1995.) As a ranking national opinion-maker (currently in 1,539th place), I would like to do my part to get teenagers to stop smoking cigarettes. Ready? Here goes: You teenagers stop smoking right now!! There! Did that do the trick? I didn't think so. Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as ``a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.'' I can understand this. I was a young person once, shortly after the...

Great American turkeys BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Nov. 17, 1996.) Thanksgiving is a time of traditions, and there is no tradition more meaningful than the annual U.S. Department of Agriculture warning about fatal food-dwelling bacteria. This year, I'm pleased to report, the department has outdone itself: For the first time ever, the department has officially advised Americans not to stuff their turkeys. Many alert readers sent in an Associated Press item in which the manager of the U.S. Department of Agriculture's Meat and Poultry Hot Line -- whose name is (I am not...

'Einstein Gap': It's all relative BY DAVE BARRY Recently, I received a phone call from my son, Rob. It was a phone call that every parent dreads. That's right: My son told me that the universe does not exist. Or at least it does not in any way resemble my concept of it. According to Rob, I understand the universe about as well as a barnacle understands a nuclear aircraft carrier. I blame college. That's where Rob is getting these ideas, which have to do with Einstein's Theory of Relativity and something called ``quantum physics.'' Rob and his roommate, Hal,...

Mr. Language Person: Watch your language BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published 0ctober 25, 1998) At this juncture in the time parameter, we once again proudly present ''Ask Mister Language Person,'' the No. 1 rated language column in the United States according to a recent J.D. Power and Associates survey of consumers with imaginary steel plates in their heads. The philosophy of this column is simple: If you do not use correct grammar, people will lose respect for you, and they will burn down your house. So let's stop beating around a dead horse and...

Lost in space BY DAVE BARRY I think I might know where the missile launcher is. I'm referring here to the $1 million missile launcher that our armed forces apparently misplaced, according to a recent audit of the U.S. government (motto: ''We Do Have a Motto, But We Don't Know Where It Is''). You might have missed the news stories about this audit, which didn't get a whole lot of media attention. Way back in 1994, Congress decided that there should be a complete audit of the entire federal government. This seemed like a good idea, since the U.S. government...

The Trojan Twinkie caper BY DAVE BARRY I'll tell you when I start to worry. I start to worry when ''officials'' tell me not to worry. This is why I am very concerned about the following Associated Press report, which was sent to me by a number of alert readers: 'RICHLAND, WASH. -- Radioactive ants, flies and gnats have been found at the Hanford nuclear complex, bringing to mind those Cold-War-era `B' horror movies in which giant mutant insects are the awful price paid for mankind's entry into the Atomic Age. Officials at the nation's most contaminated nuclear site insist...

Feeding your worst fears By DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published March 29, 1998.) I have received some important information via a letter from Claire Nordstrum, 13, a student in Wisconsin (state motto: "Moo"). Claire states that her science teacher told the class that "it's a proven fact that on average a person eats six spiders in a year." Another science fact this teacher revealed, according to Claire, is that "wood ticks breathe through their butts." This sounds logical to me, since if a wood tick had its whole head burrowed into your body, it wouldn't...

The rubber band man BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Aug. 3, 1997.) If you are a regular reader of this column, you know that I make it my business to report on Stuff That Guys Do. A good example is the sport of snowplow hockey, in which guys driving trucks use their snowplow blades to knock a bowling ball past trucks driven by opposing guys. This is not to be confused with car bowling, in which guys in low-flying airplanes try to drop bowling balls onto junked cars. I've also reported on guys going...

September 19th (every year) is International Talk Like A Pirate Day Tell us how ye plan t'celebrate! [All Hope Abandon, Ye Who Enter Here]   New for Talk Like A Pirate Day 2007: A Li'l Pirate's ABSeas by Ol' Chumbucket, Cap'n Slappy and Jonathan "Pilferin' Pooter" Cooke A piratical romp through the alphabet - with all that impliesRead more, and order the book!... and visit our on-line store for new T-shirt designs for 2007! Got Pirattitude? Order your copy nowFrom the Pirate Guys and Penguin's New American Library  

Does public art make sense? BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Sept. 7, 1997.) Like many members of the uncultured, Cheez-It-consuming public, I am not good at grasping modern art. I'm the type of person who will stand in front of a certified modern masterpiece painting that looks, to the layperson, like a big black square, and quietly think: ''Maybe the actual painting is on the other side.'' I especially have a problem with modernistic sculptures, the kind where you, the layperson, cannot be sure whether you're looking at a work of art or a...

Modern medical mysteries BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Sept. 8, 1996.) We here at the Bureau of Medical Alarm hope you had a restful, carefree, fun-filled summer. But before you get back into ''the swing of things'' for fall, we'd like to take just a moment to remind you that practically everything can kill you. At the moment, we are particularly concerned about: LATEX GLOVES OF DEATH. We have here a Health Advisory issued June 27 by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (motto: ``We Have Not Yet Determined That Our Motto Is Safe'')....

Bored games BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Jan. 26, 1997.) OK, here's a nostalgia question: What childhood game does this remind you of? ''Colonel Mustard in the library with a candlestick.'' If you answered, ''Spin the Bottle,'' then I frankly do not want to know any more about your childhood. What I'm referring to is, of course, the classic board game ''Clue,'' in which you try to solve a murder by using a logical process of deduction to narrow down the various possibilities until your sister has to go to the bathroom, at which...

Dave's field of nightmares BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published March 5, 2000.) When I was a boy, playing Little League baseball, I dreamed -- as most boys did back then -- of someday getting a call from the Major Leagues. ''Son,'' I dreamed the Major Leagues would tell me, ''you stink. We're kicking you out of Little League.'' I would have been grateful. I was a terrible player. I was afraid of the ball and fell down a lot, sometimes during the singing of the national anthem. So in 1960, I hung up my...

Lewis and Clark stepped here! BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Sept. 14, 1997.) We went West for our summer vacation. Our idea was to follow in the footsteps of the hardy explorers Lewis and Clark, who traveled 8,000 miles through hostile, uncharted wilderness, a feat that was possible only because of their great courage and the fact that they left their children at home. Otherwise, they would have quit after maybe 200 yards. On our trip, we encountered numerous families that, after many hours together in the minivan, had reached Critical Hostility Mass. At...