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The ultimate water gun BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published May 5, 1996.) Just when you're starting to lose hope that the younger generation will ever amount to anything; just when you're asking yourself: ''Where are the leaders of tomorrow? Where is the next John Kennedy, the next John Wayne, the next John Denver, the next John LeMasters, who attended Pleasantville High School with me and was very good at math?''; just when you're starting to think that the most significant contributions that today's young people will make to society will be in the field...

Poetic license, with no rhyme or reason BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Nov. 6, 1994.) Recently, I got a very nice computer-generated letter from an outfit called The National Library of Poetry. ''Dear Dave,'' the letter begins. ''Over the past year or so, we have been reviewing the thousands of poems submitted to us, as well as examining the poetic accomplishments of people whose poetry has been featured in various anthologies released by other poetry publishers. After an exhaustive examination of this poetic artistry, The National Library of Poetry has decided to publish a...

Standing up for snakes BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published April 21, 1996.) A question that more and more Americans are asking, as they become increasingly fed up with crime, is: What, exactly, are the legal rights of accused snakes? Consider the case of a snake that recently ran afoul of the law in Virginia. According to a story in the Fredericksburg, Va., Free Lance-Star, written by Keith Epps and sent in by alert reader Venetia Sims, this particular snake, a four-foot Burmese python identified only as ''a Spotsylvania County snake,'' was apprehended by an...

Great moments in science BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published March 16, 1997.) Settle back, because today I'm going to tell you the dramatic true story of what happened when some Japanese researchers decided to re-create the historic discovery of the law of gravity: As you recall, this discovery occurred in an English orchard in 1666, when, according to legend, Isaac Newton, the brilliant mathematician, fell out of a tree and landed on an apple. No, hold it. Upon reviewing the videotape, I see that in fact the apple fell out of the tree and...

One giant leap for frogkind BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published June 8, 1997.) Get ready to dance naked in the streets, because scientists have finally done something that humanity has long dreamed about, but most of us thought would never happen within our lifetimes. That's right: They have levitated a frog. I swear I am not making this up. According to an Associated Press article sent in by a number of alert readers, British and Dutch scientists ''have succeeded in floating a frog in air.'' They did this by using magnetism, which, as you...

June 15, 2007 Banning Dave Barry It's funny how things change. Well, not always, but in this case, the story involves one of America's best humor writers -- Dave Barry. There was a time when American universities were known as havens of free speech, places where controversial ideas could be expressed and discussed. Unfortunately, political correctness has crept into the halls of academia. Then it chained the doors and started duct taping the mouths of anybody who voiced unapproved opinions. One of the strangest examples comes from Marquette University in Wisconsin -- where a Dave Barry quip was banned. Last...

The perfect storm BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published July 9, 2000.) If you're one of the millions of people planning to travel by air this summer, here's some important information from the Association of Commercial Airlines: (Silence.) UH-oh! Apparently the airlines are unable to give us any information at this time! Probably they are experiencing thunderstorms. No institution experiences as many thunderstorms as an airline. Huge, violent clouds surround airline employees at all times. They cannot hold company picnics, because the death toll from lightning strikes would be in the hundreds. If we want...

Shooting carps in Wisconsin BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published June 25, 2000.) A fundamental belief held by Americans is that if you are on land, you cannot be killed by a fish. This belief has been reinforced by the Steven Spielberg movies ''Jaws,'' ''Jaws II,'' ''Jaws Goes to Porky's'' and ''Saving Private Ryan From Jaws,'' in which the only characters to die were the ones stupid enough to venture into the Atlantic Ocean, where even ankle-deep water often conceals predators the size of Winnebagos. So most Americans remain on land, believing they're safe. Unfortunately,...

Honk if you're married and can't cope with anger BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published July 31, 1994.) Today's topic for married people is: coping with anger. Even so-called ''perfect couples'' experience conflict. Take Canada geese. They mate for life, so people just assume they get along well; when people see a goose couple flying overhead, honking, they say, ''Oh, that's SO romantic.'' What these people don't realize is that honking is how geese argue. (''Are you SURE we're heading north?'' ''YES, dammit.'' ''Well, I think we should ask somebody.'' ) The only reason they...

Percentage of frogs in food jumps BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Dec. 17, 1995.) It's getting worse. When I say ''it,'' I am referring to the worldwide epidemic of frogs showing up in food, which I documented recently, describing two worldwide incidents, one involving a frog baked onto a pretzel, and the other involving a frog in a frozen Chicken Cantonese dinner. When I say ''is getting worse,'' I'm referring to a shocking new development that occurred recently in Orange, Calif., according to a superb story in the Orange County Register, written by Lori...

Welcome to "Ask Mister Language Person," written by the foremost leading world authority on the proper grammatorical usagality of English, both orally and in the form of words. In this award-winning column, which appears nocturnally, we answer the grammar and vocabulary questions that are on the minds of many Americans just before they pass out. Today, as is our wont, we begin with our first question: Q. You have a wont? A. Yes, but we comb our hair such that you cannot see it. Q. With regards to the old spiritual song, "Gwine Jump Down, Turn Around, Pick a Bale...

Mind your P's and Q's and teas BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Feb. 15, 1998.) Recently, I took part in a High Tea, which is a ritualistic British type of light meal involving a large quantity of etiquette. Generally, I do not get involved with any level of tea, even Low Tea. Generally, when I am in the market for an afternoon beverage ritual, the one I select is Cold Beer. But in this case I had High Tea, because I was invited by famous etiquette expert Marjabelle Young Stewart, who is on a...

HOW TO ARGUE EFFECTIVELY I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules: DRINK LIQUOR Suppose you are at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance,...

Loose lips sink sequels BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published May 31, 1998.) I finally finished the script for the sequel to the movie ''Titanic.'' I am calling it -- and let the legal record show that I thought of this first -- ``Titanic II: The Sequel.'' I am darned proud of this script. I have been working on it, without sleeping or eating, except for two grilled cheese sandwiches, for the better part of the last 35 minutes. I realize that sounds like a lot of work, but bear in mind that writer/director James...

Today's topic is: The Art of Cooking BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Jan. 11, 1998.) Cooking was invented in prehistoric times, when a primitive tribe had a lucky accident. The tribe had killed an animal and was going to eat it raw, when a tribe member named Woog tripped and dropped it into the fire. At first, the other tribe members were angry at Woog, but then, as the aroma of burning meat filled the air, they had an idea. So they ate Woog raw. Yes, cooking can be hazardous. I learned this lesson...

The right to bear cubs DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published May 24, 1998.) Every now and then somebody thinks up a new idea that is so totally revolutionary that it just totally revolutionizes everything. For example, in 1905 Albert Einstein stunned the scientific community when he announced that ''e'' is equal to ''mc squared.'' Until that point, scientists had no idea what ''e'' was equal to. Oh, sure, they had known since the days of the ancient Egyptians that ''e'' came after ''i,'' except when both letters were preceded by a ''c.'' But nobody had...

Science: It's just not fair BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published March 22, 1998.) TODAY'S TOPIC FOR YOUNG PEOPLE IS: How To Do A School Science Fair Project. So your school is having a science fair! Great! The science fair has long been a favorite educational tool in the American school system, and for a good reason: Your teachers hate you. Ha-ha! No, seriously, although a science fair can seem like a big ''pain,'' it can help you understand important scientific principles, such as Newton's First Law of Inertia, which states: 'A body at rest...

If you go to the game, you'll miss the show By DAVE BARRY It's Super Bowl Sunday at last. Finally -- after all the hype, all the parties, all the talk -- we will get to see what the Super Bowl is really, in the end, all about: the TV commercials. There will be a lot of them, because the total Super Bowl broadcast package runs longer than the administration of the late Gerald Ford, having begun two weeks ago with the pre -pre -pre -pre-pre-pre-pre-pregame show (Peyton Manning: The Early Bowel Movements). You will not want to miss a...

Welcome to Miami, Super Bowl visitors! You are going to have a wonderful time, from the moment you arrive in our magical city, until the moment you discover that your wallet is missing. I'm kidding! You'll be fine, probably! Because the truth is that Miami is a terrific place, despite the criticisms you may have heard from ignorant yokel blowhards who shall remain nameless, such as U.S. Rep. Tom Tancredo.

Road warrior specials BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Dec. 1, 1996.) Here's the problem: If you stop 100 people at random and ask them to evaluate their driving ability, every single one will say, ``above average.'' It is a scientific fact that all drivers, including those who are going the wrong way on interstate highways, believe they are above average. Obviously, this is impossible: Some drivers have to be below average. Not me, of course. I am currently ranked fourth among the top drivers in world history, between Mario Andretti and Spartacus. But there...

24 Here is where we stand: The federal government finally brought Jack Bauer back from China, where he spent two brutal years having makeup artists apply fake scars to his back. It goes without saying that the government brought him back for the sole purpose of getting him killed by terrorists, who are setting off bombs in various cities, including (surprise!) Los Angeles. Jack escaped by ripping out a terrorist's throat with his teeth (meaning, Jack's teeth) (at least we assume those were Jack's teeth) and immediately -- without even stopping to floss -- Jack set out to inform the...

Where's the beef? (low fat) BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Nov. 3, 1996.) Recently, a reader named Jim Cornell sent me a postcard with a picture of insects on it, posing an interesting question. (No, the insects were not posing a question. As far as I know.) Jim stated that he, like every other American above the age of 4, is on a low-fat diet, and he noted that we have become basically a non-fat nation. This is true; virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as being ''low-fat'' or...

There is nothing like a male (guys) By DAVE BARRY This classic Dave Barry column was originally published May 12, 1996. Today we present another part of our ongoing series, ''Stuff That Guys Do.'' Our first example of guys doing stuff comes from the University of Washington Daily, which recently published a report written by Jeremy Simer and sent in by alert reader Donna Bellinger, headlined, ''Fraternity Game Turns Into Arrest.'' What happened, according to this report, was that some guys were up on the roof of the Theta Delta Chi fraternity house, and, as guys will do when they...

If you can tip $17,000, this is the island for you BY DAVE BARRY If you're looking to visit a Caribbean island that you cannot possibly afford, I highly recommend St. Barthélemy. St. Barthélemy -- more commonly called ''St. Barts,'' or ''St. Barth,'' or ''The Land of Naked French People'' -- is a tiny exclusive island located in the Caribbean island chain known as the Lesser Antilles, which also includes Anguilla, Antigua, Begonia, Barbuda, Saba, Simba, Bomba, Rhumba, Gazebo, Madagascar, St. Kitts and the Dave Clark Five. (I may be making some of these islands up; there is no way...

The year in review: From Pelosi to Pitt, perverts to Paris, Dave Barry offers a last laugh BY DAVE BARRY It was a momentous year, a year of events that will echo in the annals of history the way a dropped plate of calamari echoes in an Italian restaurant with a tile floor. Decades from now, our grandchildren will come to us and say, ''Tell us, Grandpa or Grandma as the case may be, what it was like to be alive in the year that Angelina Jolie, Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Britney Spears and Katie whatshername all had babies, although...

Revolt of the rodents BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Sept. 10, 1995.) Once again, we are forced to ask ourselves, as a society, whether nature should be legal. Consider a story from the June 22 Manchester (N.H.) Union Leader, written by Paul Tracy and sent in by alert reader Arnie Alpert. This story states that on June 20 a Laconia, N.H., police officer was called to the municipal water-treatment facility in response to -- and as you read this column, please bear in mind that I am not making any of these newspaper quotations...

Pretty funny, even if you have to look at Donna Shalala. Here's the video link: http://streaming.miami.edu:8080/ramgen/commencement/smil/commencement-12142006-1000am-barry.smil Must have RealPlayer to view it, unfortunately.

A mutant tree all aglow BY DAVE BARRY This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Dec. 14, 1997. Tis that special time of year, The Holiday Retail Purchasing Season, a time when we traditionally print heartwarming human-interest stories designed to make you feel better about running up a level of debt normally associated with Mexico. I have such a heartwarming story, which was published by The London Times and sent in by alert reader John Nicholls. The story, which I am not making up, concerns a man named Neil from Devon, England, who discovered an owl nesting in his...

DAVE BARRY'S ANNUAL GIFT GUIDE What's behind Santa's Ho-Ho-Ho Holiday gift-giving is a tradition that dates back roughly 2,006 years, to when the Three Wise Men went to Bethlehem with gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh for the Baby Jesus. Of course the next day the Virgin Mary returned these items for store credit, because she was a low-income mother with a newborn, and as the old saying goes, ''You can't diaper a baby with frankincense.'' But it was too late: The Three Wise Men had started a tradition. And in keeping with that tradition, this holiday season millions of...

Quibbles with The Gobbler BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Nov. 5, 1995.) We are approaching the Thanksgiving holiday, when we pause to reflect on our blessings by eating pretty much nonstop for an entire day, then staggering off to bed, still chewing, with wads of stuffing clinging to our hair. It's a spiritual time, yes, but it can also be a tragic time if an inadequately cooked turkey gives us salmonella poisoning, which occurs when tiny turkey-dwelling salmon get into our blood, swim upstream and spawn in our brains (this is probably what happened...

Sour grapes and mud BY DAVE BARRY This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Aug. 24, 1997. Recently, I spent several days touring the California wine country, and I must say that it was a wonderful experience that I will remember until long after I get this mud out of my ears. I'll explain the mud in a moment, but first I should explain that the wine country is an area near San Francisco that is abundantly blessed with the crucial natural ingredient that you need to have a successful wine country: tourists. There are thousands and thousands of...

Warm and fuzzy cold war memories BY DAVE BARRY Back in 1954, when the Russians were evil and I was a first-grader at Wampus Elementary School in Armonk, N.Y., the school authorities regularly conducted emergency drills wherein we students practiced protecting ourselves from nuclear attack by crouching under our desks. We'd hunker down there until Mrs. Hart gave us the word that the nuclear war was over, then we'd crawl back out and resume reading about the fascinating adventures of Dick and Jane. (''Ha!'' said Dick. ''Ha ha!'' said Jane. ''Ha ha ha!'' said Dick. ''Ha ha ha ha'' ......

The funny side of `Beowulf' BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Nov. 2, 1997.) I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford. I try to help my son, Rob, with his schooling, but over the years this has become more difficult. Back when he was dealing with basic educational issues such as why the sky is blue and what a duck says, I always knew the correct answers (''It doesn't matter'' and ''Moo''). But when Rob got into...

Holy heat wave, Batman! BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Sept. 20, 1998.) One evening, my wife mentioned, casually, that she had been talking to the son of one of her friends, a little boy named Alexander, about his upcoming fourth birthday. ''Alexander says he's having a Batman party,'' my wife said. ''Hm,'' I said. ''So I told him that maybe Batman would come to the party,'' my wife said. ''Hm,'' I said. My wife said nothing then. She just looked at me. Suddenly, I knew who was going to be Batman. I was...

Abs-olute madness BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on June 30, 1996.) What I want to know is: Why is it important to have visible stomach muscles? I grew up in an era (the Paleolithic) when people kept their stomach muscles discreetly out of sight. Most of us didn't even realize we had stomach muscles; the only people who ever actually saw them were courageous surgeons willing to cut through fat layers the thickness of the Cleveland white pages. I'm not saying we weren't in shape; I'm just saying we had a different concept of...

Beware of brainy bugs BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Aug. 25, 1996.) Today's science topic is: Insect Intelligence. I don't know about you, but I've always taken comfort in the idea that insects are stupid. For example, if I'm outdoors and a bee lands on me and starts walking around on my head -- causing me to turn rigid with fear, terrified that, if I move, the bee will become angry and sting me in the eyeball -- I've always reassured myself by thinking: ``This bee does not wish to harm me! Its...

Dave's in a sorry state BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Aug. 1, 1999.) Most Americans are pitifully ignorant of geography. This was clearly demonstrated recently when the Gallup Organization sent its pollsters to Chicago to ask randomly selected residents if they could name at least three of the six major continents. The results were shocking: Most of the pollsters never found Chicago at all; of those who did, all but one fell into the Chicago River. Unfortunately, this is not an isolated incident of American geographical ignorance. Just last month, the major U.S....

(The following column was written by Dave Barry and published after the events of September 11) No humor column today. I don't want to write it, and you don't want to read it. No words of wisdom, either. I wish I were wise enough to say something that would help make sense of this horror, something that would help ease the unimaginable pain of the victims' loved ones, but I'm not that wise. I'm barely capable of thinking. Like many others, I've spent the hours since Tuesday morning staring at the television screen, sometimes crying, sometimes furious, but mostly just...

The frog plague: The inside story BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Nov. 7, 1999.) I'm wondering if any of you readers out there have noticed any suspicious behavior on the part of frogs. I ask because the ones at my house are definitely up to something. I live in South Florida, which has a hot, moist, armpit-like climate that is very favorable for life in general. Everything down here is either already alive or about to be. You could leave your toaster out on your lawn overnight, and by morning it would have...

If she had a hammer BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Jan. 23, 2000.) So my wife and I are preparing for childbirth. When I say, ''my wife and I,'' I, of course, mean ''my wife.'' She will be the most directly involved. On behalf of all men, I just want to take a moment here to get down on my knees and thank whoever invented our current biological system, under which the woman's job is to have the baby somehow go from the inside of her body to the outside of her body,...

Keeping an eye on crime BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on May 14, 2000.) It's time for True Crime Blotter, the feature in which we examine reports of actual crimes to see if they reveal important underlying truths about our society (no). We begin with a shocking crime that either was or was not committed in Springfield, Ill., according to an article from the State Journal-Register sent in by many alert readers. This article states that a man told police that a neighbor ``may have switched glass eyeballs with him.'' The man claimed that...

Camping and Lewis and Clark BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on April 7, 1996.) Now that it's warmed up, I'm thinking about camping. Don't misunderstand me: I'm not thinking about actually going camping, in the sense of venturing outdoors and turning my body into an All-U-Can-Eat buffet for insects. I'm just thinking about camping. What got me on this topic is a book I'm reading, called ''Undaunted Courage,'' by Stephen E. Ambrose, about the ultimate camping trip: the Lewis and Clark expedition. If you're a product of the U.S. educational system, you no doubt...

When in Iowa, don't forget to duck By Dave Barry (This classic DAVE BARRY column was originally published on Aug. 20, 1995.) If you're looking for a vacation travel destination that blends excitement with huge amounts of corn, I strongly recommend Iowa. I recently spent a few days there, and I can honestly say that it was comparable to experiences I've had in sophisticated, prestige travel destinations such as Paris, in the sense that I was not once engulfed by hog manure. I was concerned about this, however. The second day I was in Iowa, the top story on the...

Junior takes the wheel BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Oct. 8, 1995.) My son is learning to drive. This terrifies me. He's 4 years old. Well, OK, technically he's 15. But from the perspective of the aging parent, there is no major difference between 4 and 15, except that when your child is 4, his motoring privileges are restricted to little toy Fisher-Price vehicles containing little toy Fisher-Price people who are unlikely (although I would not totally rule it out in America) to sue you. Whereas when your child turns 15, the state of...

Growing old with Dave BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Sept. 3, 1995.) Call me a wild and crazy guy if you want, but recently, on a whim, I decided to -- why not? -- turn 48. It's not so bad. Physically, the only serious problem I've noticed is that I can no longer read anything printed in letters smaller than Shaquille O'Neal. Also, to read a document, I have to hold it far from my face; more and more, I find myself holding documents -- this is awkward on airplanes -- with my...

Sites for sore eyes BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on June 2, 1996.) Once again, it's summer vacation time -- time to lock up the house, load the kids into the car, fill the tank with gas, then decide which one of the kids you should sell to pay for the gas, because it's very expensive this year. Now you're all set! To guarantee that it's the ''vacation of a lifetime,'' I've prepared a special itinerary just for you, featuring a set of unique attractions that I swear I am not making up. You'll...

Beware of sheep droppings BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on June 16, 1996.) Call me paranoid, but my first reaction, upon learning about the dead sheep being found in treetops in New Zealand, was that something unusual was going on. I found out about this thanks to alert reader Steven Moe, who sent me an article from The Press of Christchurch, concerning ''the discovery of several dead sheep high in the trees of Tunnicliffe Forest.'' Right away, I said to myself, ''Hmm.'' I base this statement on the well-known fact that sheep are not...

Mr. Peabrain's Misadventures BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on May 26, 1996.) I am feeling great, and I will tell you why. It's because of this article I read recently that said ... um ... it said ... OK, wait just a minute while I get out this article. ... OK, here it is: According to this article, researchers at the University of Pennsylvania did a study showing that, as males -- but not females -- get older, their brains shrink. Was I ever relieved to read that! I thought it was just me!...

Ireland, land of Bad Elvis BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on Aug. 6, 1995.) I recently spent a week in Ireland, and I can honestly say that I have never been to any place in the world where it's so easy to partake of the local culture, by which I mean beer. Ireland also contains history, nice people, enormous quantities of scenery and a rich cultural heritage, including (more on this later) Elvis. Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep. It consists mostly of scenic...

When they're out to get you, keep cool BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published on July 16, 1995.) Recently, I was in my office, with a lot to do, including write a column, when I got a phone call informing me that the electric company had cut off my power. Years ago, I would have responded to this petty annoyance with a pointless, immature outburst of anger. But since then I have learned that stress management is vital to health. So I hung up the phone, took a deep breath, exhaled slowly, then punched my...