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For Advent: The Treasure of Singleness
CE.com ^ | na | Tyler Blanski

Posted on 12/10/2014 8:51:12 PM PST by Salvation

The Treasure of Singleness

John_Everett_Millais_-_Mariana_-_Google_Art_Project 

It can be difficult to be a single Christian. I remember watching as one by one my friends would marry, start families, and settle down. The cards would come just before Christmas with news of another baby or a new home, and I would set them on the table in my empty apartment and sigh. As a Christian, my newsfeed was like one long drawn out toast to holy matrimony, and I was getting tired of holding up my glass. The Kingdom of God is like a wedding feast, and the baptized faithful had so much to say about marriage and family. But I was single. At least the world, as St. Paul calls it, didn’t rub it in so much.

So it was more than the intensity of color or the exquisite detail, the visual intricacies or the physical presence of the figure that drew me into the oil-on-wood painting by John Millais, Mariana. It was the sigh of broken dreams, of singleness, of yearning.

A lot of people are single, and they love it. Singleness can be a beautiful and rewarding vocation. But for a lot of other people, singleness can be painful and hard. It was, after all, singles of whom St. Paul spoke when he spoke of those who “burn with passion” (1 Cor. 7:9). This reflection on Mariana is a gesture of recognition for the passion of singleness. It’s for those who are in the long slow burn.

The Long, Slow Burn

Mariana is a portrait of waiting. Waiting for love. Waiting for belonging. Waiting for fruitfulness and laughter and beginnings. But the waiting has been drawn out, the seasons keep turning, and yet again autumn is ending. Like a pen almost out of ink, singleness can be thin, scratchy, and annoying. And nothing ever seems to change—no matter how hard you push.

John_Everett_Millais_-_Mariana_-_Google_Art_Project

Look closely at the scene. It is a moment of desire, of Autumn, and a nearly finished tapestry. The maiden has stuck her needle upright into the richly patterned, flowering embroidery. She stands up and stretches, pushing her hands into her back, pushing her torso forward, leaning her head to one side. The posture is casual, absent-minded, tired. Is she praying? How long has she been gazing out the window? Long enough to let the leaves land on her embroidery.

Perhaps you can strangely relate to this Victorian spinster. Maybe you know the feeling of just needing to stand, to stretch your aching back. Or maybe you know the swelling of a sigh over the prattle of a room littered with leaves. So your eye moves from the maiden to the tapestry. The creases in the cloth demand your attention. The gloom around the altar on the right and the lonely glow of a diminished prayer candle. You try to catch a glimpse of the landscape outside—Will he come? Why hasn’t he come?

Against this veiled backdrop of a landscape, the stained glass window flashes brightly. The windowpane of the Annunciation—when the angel Gabriel brought happy tidings to the Virgin Mary—shines out clear as day. God is close, the window seems to say. Behold, he makes all things new.

In Shakespeare’s play, Measure for Measure, Mariana has been abandoned by her lover Angelo, because her marriage dowry was lost at sea. In Millais’ painting we see an aging virgin. The mouse, the leaves, the worn look of the place betray the sad tale of lost fortunes, and a home falling into decay due to poverty and neglect. Shakespeare’s play ends happily, and Angelo agrees to wed Mariana in the final scene. Does the Annunciation scene in the stained glass window confirm a sense of promise and hope, for a future marriage and a child? Is her pose not one of despair, but of yielding to the Light, perhaps with a sigh: “How can this be, since I am a virgin?” (Luke 1:34).

Perhaps, even though singleness can be difficult—as all waiting is—it can also be good. Anything worth doing is difficult. Why should singleness be an exception?  Singleness is worth doing, and doing well.

My Soul Waits Upon the Lord

Look at the painting just once more, but zoom in on Mariana herself. The velvet blue dress brings relief to the intricate detail of the room. The maiden’s face is beautiful in a plain, unimposing way. Her jeweled belt suggests wealth. Yet autumn leaves blow in. A mouse scuttles across the floor. She is alone, her estate dwindles, winter approaches, and she grows tired in the half-light. What is the lesson?

In light of the Annunciation scene that splashes through the stained-glass window or the votive candle burning at the altar, I think the lesson is this: God’s timing is not our timing. Good things rarely come quickly. Winter is approaching, and autumn is blowing in under our doorways. So often we can feel very alone. But the loneliness has a purpose. It’s not meaningless. “Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always” (Psalm 105:4). He will make your paths straight (Prov. 3:6).

Again, many single people are happy to be unmarried. So I do not want to send the message that the single life is not a worthy, noble life. But I also know that for many people, singleness is a painful waiting, a long, slow burn. And this reflection on Mariana is for them.

Singleness can be exhausting. It can be labor. But anything worth doing is difficult. What we learn from Mariana is that the unsung treasure of singleness lies hidden in suffering. The passion of singleness is an invitation into the open side of Christ. It is because God seeks to be glorified in our lives that singleness is worth doing, and doing well.

In the end, everyone is waiting. Most of us just haven’t woken up to the deepest yearning of our heart. May we all pray with the Psalmist: “My soul waits upon the Lord, more than watchmen wait for the morning” (Psalm 130:6). More than watchmen wait for the morning, more than Mariana waits for her husband, more than any of us wait for anything, may we wait upon the Lord. The treasure of singleness is that it reminds all of us that our hearts are restless until they rest in God. We were made for God, and a life lived well is a life of waiting for him.

Perhaps your life has been littered with pain and broken relationships. But, like Mariana, you are surrounded by the promises and provision of a God whose name is Love. He is always present, even if you cannot feel him. Perhaps the votive candle burns for a reason. Perhaps it is in the waiting that God is refining you as in fire. “Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul” (Psalm 143:8).



TOPICS: Apologetics; Catholic; History; Theology
KEYWORDS: catholic; vocations
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To: Salvation
I incline to the view of Fr. Alexander Elchaninov, as expressed in his Diary of a Russian Priest:

There is the monastic life and the state of marriage. The third condition, that of virginity in the world, is extremely dangerous, fraught with temptation, and beyond the strength of most people. Moreover, those who adhere to this condition are also a danger to the persons around them: the aura and beauty of virginity, which, when deprived of direct religious significance, are in sense 'nuptial feathers', exercise powerful attraction and awaken unedifying emotions.
Of course, in the East, Holy Orders are something that both married men and monks can enter.
41 posted on 12/11/2014 6:29:43 AM PST by The_Reader_David (And when they behead your own people in the wars which are to come, then you will know...)
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To: Salvation
Thank you for posting this. I am in the season of singleness now, even though the marriage ended 5 years ago. Daughter went away to college; I earned a degree in May. Since she went back to school and I started a new career, the loneliness is now in the forefront. The holidays have made it more prominent.

I appreciate all the comments. They give me ways to embrace (and endure) my singleness. Whether another relationship is in store for me or not, I know I'm not alone. Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences.

42 posted on 12/11/2014 6:39:41 AM PST by Betty Jane
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To: Betty Jane

You always have someone on this forum to talk to or fight with, which ever move stikes you. :)


43 posted on 12/11/2014 6:54:13 AM PST by defconw (If not now, WHEN?)
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To: proud American in Canada

You misunderstand. I haven’t given up on life and am socially active to the extent my work schedule allows me to be.

I wrote what I did to point out. 1) I know how painfully lonely singleness can be and 2) I’ve made peace with it. It’s not what I wanted my life to be but I can accept that, through Christ’s grace, it is sufficient and that the next life will be better.

Perhaps there is some lady in my future but there doesn’t have to be and maybe that will be more attractive to someone.

But the more I contemplate the next life to come, the more excited I am to get there. We mourn death, particularly of the young, but I don’t believe Jesus does because He knows the glory waiting ahead - one He has promised to share with us as sons, not as servants.

I’m still firmly attached to this life and serve in various ways but I’m also comforted that what I lack in this life may be completely fulfilled beyond my fondest dreams in the next life. So, who wouldn’t want to eagerly await it?


44 posted on 12/11/2014 7:15:05 AM PST by OrangeHoof (Every time you say no to a liberal, you make the Baby Barack cry.)
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To: OrangeHoof
I have had this conversation with my friends before. They all believe as you do. There is however a certain reluctance among the married with children crowd. Not because they don't want to be in Heaven, but because they worry about their children and spouses. Makes sense. When I was single I did not give it much thought. But now I have a husband and I guess I do seem to cling a bit more to this life now.
45 posted on 12/11/2014 7:28:18 AM PST by defconw (If not now, WHEN?)
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To: OrangeHoof

Thank you for the beautiful post. God bless.


46 posted on 12/11/2014 7:50:30 AM PST by Salvation ("With God all things are possible." Matthew 19:26)
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To: caww

When my husband died, I, too, thought I needed a boyfriend. It only turned into a situation of him using me.


47 posted on 12/11/2014 7:53:28 AM PST by Salvation ("With God all things are possible." Matthew 19:26)
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To: fieldmarshaldj
For those who have lost a loved one whether by abandonment, divorce or death -- here is something for you that is healing.

Beginning Experience, a peer facilitated weekend for those who are grieving the loss of a loved one

48 posted on 12/11/2014 7:56:39 AM PST by Salvation ("With God all things are possible." Matthew 19:26)
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To: fieldmarshaldj

I loathe it too. I am surrounded by heathens and fighting alone. I hate it.


49 posted on 12/11/2014 8:10:26 AM PST by yldstrk (My heroes have always been cowboys)
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To: spankalib

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs

Good video


50 posted on 12/11/2014 9:16:12 AM PST by Salvation ("With God all things are possible." Matthew 19:26)
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To: yldstrk

Join a church group. At least you are out doing something. Volunteer to feed the homeless at Christmas. Donate food for Christmas food baskets.


51 posted on 12/11/2014 9:17:32 AM PST by Salvation ("With God all things are possible." Matthew 19:26)
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To: Salvation

I’m sorry that happened...it is not always easy to discern who the “players” are because they’ve often learned the good guys moves to mask their real intentions.

A friend of mine married a man less then a year after her husband died...she is one who could not see herself functioning alone.....her family and friends tried to tell her he was after her money, which of course proved as much within a few years of their marriage. Divorced now..and he got nothing except the vehicle he brought to the table after cheating on her.


52 posted on 12/11/2014 2:58:02 PM PST by caww
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To: Biggirl

Oh definately woman do grieve...but they usually move forward with life much quicker then men......yet i still stand that the love a man has for a woman defies womans understanding the depth of, and how marriage deepens that more than woman realize or experience themselves.

But you are right...woman will seek emotional relief with other woman...men are not quick to do that and often carry their real pain within.


53 posted on 12/11/2014 3:01:47 PM PST by caww
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To: defconw

I think in marriage you have to be willing to give and invest first and foremost in that relationship....(second only to the Lord). It must have the priority although that is fluid for obvious reasons. Still it’s about marrying someone who can and is able to make the same commitment you do.

There are three parties in a marriage...you...your mate...and the marriage itself. Commitment isn’t just to the individual but to the marriage itself. If you are commited to the marriage as deeply it will get you past those uncomfortable moments that are normal in relationsips....


54 posted on 12/11/2014 3:10:41 PM PST by caww
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To: caww

**There are three parties in a marriage...you...your mate...and the marriage itself.**

I’ve always said that there are three people getting married, the man, the woman and most importantly, God.


55 posted on 12/11/2014 3:36:27 PM PST by Salvation ("With God all things are possible." Matthew 19:26)
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To: Salvation

Those three are all under God. You cannot have a successful marriage commitment without understanding the marriage itself must be committed to as well.

My point is that a mate needs to have the same commitment that you do about what commitment is ...and to whom.


56 posted on 12/11/2014 4:08:48 PM PST by caww
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To: Salvation

I’m sorry for your loss, and I’m sorry to hear that someone else would step into that situation and be so cruel.

When my husband left, I didn’t even think about the dating world. I was recovering from an illness, and I’m still raising sons. I did pray hard for a friend to talk with, but I was praying for a trustworthy female friend. I was caught by surprise when a male friend began talking with me. Then he asked me out. This guy always came across as so nice, such a gentleman. But eventually he revealed his true intentions. ;-) LOL. He got nowhere with me, but I’ve been kicking myself for putting my guard down in the first place.

God made me a mother; that’s my calling. I’m not sure why I deserve this vocation, but He must know otherwise. He might have other plans for me, too, but I’ll have to wait to find out what they are.


57 posted on 12/11/2014 7:06:35 PM PST by Tired of Taxes
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To: Tired of Taxes
He’s happy, though, probably much happier than his married friends, all of whom cheat.

One of the main reasons I never married is because I was asked out by so many married men. I quickly learned to look for the tan line on the ring finger. But often, the men did not even bother to hide that they were married. When they'd ask me out and I'd say, "But you're married!" they'd respond, "So what?" I felt sorry for their wives and figured if I got married, I'd just be one more wife being cheated on.

58 posted on 12/12/2014 2:38:05 PM PST by Nea Wood
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To: Nea Wood
One of the main reasons I never married is because I was asked out by so many married men. . . . . I felt sorry for their wives and figured if I got married, I'd just be one more wife being cheated on.

I had the same experience when I was young, and I reached the same conclusion that you did. I felt sorry for their wives, too, and I worried that, if I did marry, I could end up in the same position.

I did marry, though, and sure enough, I ended up becoming one of those wives, just as I'd feared.

There are good husbands who are devoted to their wives. I do wonder sometimes if they represent a small minority, though. lol

59 posted on 12/12/2014 9:54:32 PM PST by Tired of Taxes
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To: Tired of Taxes

I hear you! At least we had the decency to consider the wives’ feelings. I knew a lot of girls who slept with married men and eagerly fell for the tales the men told them...”Oh, my wife doesn’t understand me, she’s cold and won’t sleep with me, she’s insane and will kill herself if I leave her, just give me a little more time and I’ll leave her for you,” etc., etc. The women believed it because they WANTED to believe it. They wasted years of their lives sleeping with married men who had no intention of ever leaving their wives, because the wives were actually nice people and not at all as the husbands described them. The men just wanted to have their cake and eat it, too!


60 posted on 12/13/2014 1:32:13 PM PST by Nea Wood
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