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Whosoever Blesses Them (Larry Miller)
The Watch ^ | Larry Miller (Behalf Of Bill Koenig)

Posted on 05/10/2002 7:54:14 AM PDT by Delbert

Comedian Dennis Miller's Monologue on the Israeli - Palestinian Conflict

A brief overview of the situation is always valuable, so as a service to all Americans who still don't get it, I now offer you the story of the Middle East in just a few paragraphs, which is all you really need.

Don't thank me. I'm a giver. Here we go:

The Palestinians want their own country. There's just one thing about that: There are no Palestinians. It's a made up word. Israel was called Palestine for 2000 years. Like "Wiccan," "Palestinian" sounds ancient but is really a modern invention. Before the Israelis won the land in war, Gaza was owned by Egypt, and there were no "Palestinians" then, and the West Bank was owned by Jordan, and there were no "Palestinians" then. As soon as the Jews took over and started growing oranges as big as basketballs, what do you know, say hello to the "Palestinians," weeping for their deep bond with their lost "land" and "nation." So for the sake of honesty, let's not use the word "Palestinian" any more to describe these delightful folks, who dance for joy at our deaths until someone points out they're being taped. Instead, let's call them what they are: "Other Arabs From The Same General Area Who Are In Deep Denial About Never Being Able To Accomplish Anything In Life And Would Rather Wrap Themselves In The Seductive Melodrama Of Eternal Struggle And Death." I know that's a bit unwieldy to expect to see on CNN. How about this, then: "Adjacent Jew-Haters."

Okay, so the Adjacent Jew-Haters want their own country. Oops, just one more thing. No, they don't. They could've had their own country any time in the last 30 years, especially two years ago at Camp David. But if you have your own country, you have to have traffic lights and garbage trucks and Chambers of Commerce, and, worse, you actually have to figure out some way to make a living. That's no fun. No, they want what all the other Jew-Haters in the region want: Israel. They also want a big pile of dead Jews, of course-that's where the real fun is-but mostly they want Israel. Why? For one thing, trying to destroy Israel-or "The Zionist Entity" as their textbooks call it - for the last 50 years has allowed the rulers of Arab countries to divert the attention of their own people away from the fact that they're the blue-ribbon most illiterate, poorest, and tribally backward on God's Earth, and if you've ever been around God's Earth, you know that's really saying something.

It makes me roll my eyes every time one of our pundits waxes poetic about the great history and culture of the Muslim Mideast. Unless I'm missing something, the Arabs haven't given anything to the world since Algebra, and, by the way, thanks a h-ll of a lot for that one.Chew this around and spit it out: Five hundred million Arabs; five million Jews.

Think of all the Arab countries as a football field, and Israel as a pack of matches sitting in the middle of it. And now these same folks swear that if Israel gives them half of that pack of matches, everyone will be pals. Really? Wow, what neat news. Hey, but what about the string of wars to obliterate the tiny country and the constant din of rabid blood oaths to drive every Jew into the sea? Oh, that? We were just kidding.

My friend Kevin Rooney made a gorgeous point the other day: Just reverse the numbers. Imagine five hundred million Jews and five million Arabs. I was stunned at the simple brilliance of it. Can anyone picture the Jews strapping belts of razor blades and dynamite to themselves? Of course not. Or marshaling every fiber and force at their disposal for generations to drive a tiny Arab State into the sea? Nonsense. Or dancing for joy at the murder of innocents? Impossible. Or spreading and believing horrible lies about the Arabs baking their bread with the blood of children? Disgusting. No, as you know, left to themselves in a world of peace, the worst Jews would ever do to people is debate them to death.

Mr. Bush, God bless him, is walking a tightrope. I understand that with vital operations coming up against Iraq and others, it's in our interest, as Americans, to try to stabilize our Arab allies as much as possible, and, after all, that can't be much harder than stabilizing a roomful of supermodels who've just had their drugs taken away.

However, in any big-picture strategy, there's always a danger of losing moral weight. We've already lost some. After September 11 our president told us and the world he was going to root out all terrorists and the countries that supported them. Beautiful. Then the Israelis, after months and months of having the equivalent of an Oklahoma City every week (and then every day) start to do the same thing we did, and we tell them to show restraint. If America were being attacked with an Oklahoma City every day, we would all very shortly be screaming for the administration to just be done with it and kill everything south of the Mediterranean and east of the Jordan. (Hey, wait a minute, that's actually not such a bad id . . uh, that is, what a horrible thought, yeah, horrible.)


TOPICS: Culture/Society; Foreign Affairs; Israel; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: dennismiller; isarel
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I thought this was an interesting view on the conflict, I was a little surprised that Miller was so well informed.
1 posted on 05/10/2002 7:54:15 AM PDT by Delbert
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To: Delbert
I'm just glad this jackash isn't doing Monday Night Football anymore.
2 posted on 05/10/2002 7:57:45 AM PDT by Diago
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To: Diago
That was not a good idea, I agree. He would be better as a commentator on a Roller Derby show.
3 posted on 05/10/2002 7:59:56 AM PDT by Delbert
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Comment #4 Removed by Moderator

To: Delbert
And has good writers
5 posted on 05/10/2002 8:01:07 AM PDT by joesnuffy
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To: Delbert
I think this actually a pretty good take on the situation. But wait for the pro-Pali crowd to come in and try to refute things left and right. 3....2...ok, any second now.
6 posted on 05/10/2002 8:01:31 AM PDT by Okies love Dubya 2
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To: Delbert
Oh oh... That means this is Mainstream news now. Pallies are in BIG Trouble.
7 posted on 05/10/2002 8:02:00 AM PDT by Goldi-Lox
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To: Delbert
It is really-nay surprisingly --good. If Miller were this good on Monday Night Football, he would still have the job, and I would be watching sometimes.
8 posted on 05/10/2002 8:02:19 AM PDT by Temple Owl
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To: Delbert
Very good take.
9 posted on 05/10/2002 8:04:12 AM PDT by Bikers4Bush
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To: Delbert
I was a little surprised that Miller was so well informed.

Damn, I nearly fell out of my chair. If he keeps talking sense like this he's sure to be cancelled; his audience depends on him for irrational, uninformed rants and I'm sure they're all horribly disappointed with him now.

10 posted on 05/10/2002 8:05:03 AM PDT by Squawk 8888
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To: Delbert
Miller has long been known to be right of center.
11 posted on 05/10/2002 8:06:28 AM PDT by BigBobber
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To: Diago
On MNF: Ditto; Amen; You said it, brother and hit the nail on the head.

Like Rush has said, humor comes from telling the truth about something or someone.

12 posted on 05/10/2002 8:06:54 AM PDT by IRBlondie
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To: Delbert
Miller's problem is that his views coincide with his anger and not his head.

Miller had plenty of criticism for conservative, patriotic and fiscal sanity prior to 9/11. He criticizes the stupid policies now, but where was his view when his comedic commentary might have done some good? On the Left.

13 posted on 05/10/2002 8:08:41 AM PDT by KC Burke
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To: Temple Owl; delbert; Hobey Baker; joesnuffy; Okies love Dubya 2;
Larry Miller Wrote This in The Standard, This is NOT a DENNIS MILLER Monolouge - - Please Help Kill This Urban Legend in its Crib

http://www.weeklystandard.com/Content/Public/Articles/000/000/001/161yaihr.asp

14 posted on 05/10/2002 8:08:42 AM PDT by Diago
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To: Delbert
I think you guys are wrong. This is NOT Dennis Miller, it's a different comedian named LARRY MILLER.
15 posted on 05/10/2002 8:08:43 AM PDT by berned
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To: Diago
"I'm just glad this jackash isn't doing Monday
Night Football anymore."

...he's NOT? who will be replacing him? this is
WONDERFUL news...
16 posted on 05/10/2002 8:09:08 AM PDT by cweese
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To: Delbert
Interesting article. Thanks for posting it.
17 posted on 05/10/2002 8:09:25 AM PDT by Fred Mertz
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To: Temple Owl
If Miller were this good on Monday Night Football...

Miller stunk on Monday night football because he came off as a know it all, a geek in the middle of a bunch of jocks. He sounded like a medieval history teacher desperately trying to fit into the football conversation -- and failing miserably.

18 posted on 05/10/2002 8:10:07 AM PDT by hopespringseternal
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To: Diago
I appreciate the correction!
19 posted on 05/10/2002 8:10:19 AM PDT by Fred Mertz
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To: Squawk 8888; bikers4bush
See #14.
20 posted on 05/10/2002 8:11:17 AM PDT by Diago
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To: Delbert
It sort of sounds like Miller, but I am having trouble believing that he said this. It is funny, and its accurate. Its also satisfying to read.
21 posted on 05/10/2002 8:11:56 AM PDT by kidd
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To: kidd
That's because it wasn't written by DENNIS Miller, but by a different comedian/writer named LARRY Miller.
22 posted on 05/10/2002 8:13:15 AM PDT by berned
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To: Diago
Either way, still a very good take on the situation.
23 posted on 05/10/2002 8:13:28 AM PDT by Bikers4Bush
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To: BigBobber
My hubby likes Miller - never watch Pro Football so can't comment on his appearance there. But, Miller is smart. His stuff on HBO (I think) was right on and he's never been afraid to call a spade a spade!
24 posted on 05/10/2002 8:13:56 AM PDT by Elkiejg
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To: Temple Owl
Did you see his response to the whole deal. He said hey if John Madden wants your job he is going to get it.
25 posted on 05/10/2002 8:14:56 AM PDT by patriot31u
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To: Delbert

Larry Miller


26 posted on 05/10/2002 8:15:02 AM PDT by jlogajan
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To: Delbert
This was posted here before. I'm not sure if Dennis Miller said it or not. But it seems to be part of an article Larry Miller wrote for the Weekly Standard. I suppose it's possible Dennis Miller used Larry Miller's material for his monologue. But more likely this is being misattributed to the better known Miller.

Larry Miller's article in the Weekly Standard

27 posted on 05/10/2002 8:15:04 AM PDT by Snuffington
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To: Temple Owl
"If Miller were this good on Monday Night Football, "

Although I don't generally like Miller's schtick, his smarmy tone and "Eff You" sarcasm fit into this well written piece very nicely.

As for his Monday Night Football stint - What were they thinking?

28 posted on 05/10/2002 8:15:13 AM PDT by Harrison Bergeron
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To: Delbert
LARRY MILLER!
29 posted on 05/10/2002 8:15:51 AM PDT by berned
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To: berned
I'm predicting this will be posted on FR and attributed to Dennis Miller at least twenty times before June1.
30 posted on 05/10/2002 8:15:59 AM PDT by Diago
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To: Delbert
Nicely put in fact.
31 posted on 05/10/2002 8:16:32 AM PDT by RetiredArmy
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To: Delbert

32 posted on 05/10/2002 8:17:10 AM PDT by jlogajan
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To: Diago
It was forwarded to me by a friend with the Dennis Miller title. I went to the link about Larry Miller,not sure who the original source was. Probably written by a comedic writer and sold to whoever wanted to include it in their act. The writing sounds like Dennis Millers style as you read it though...A good article none the less, whoever wrote it.
33 posted on 05/10/2002 8:17:20 AM PDT by Delbert
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To: berned
"This is NOT Dennis Miller, it's a different comedian named LARRY MILLER."

Corrected and bumped.

34 posted on 05/10/2002 8:17:24 AM PDT by Harrison Bergeron
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To: Delbert
Posted and Attributed to Dennis Miller here.

Posted and Attributed to Larry Miller here.
35 posted on 05/10/2002 8:17:35 AM PDT by My Identity
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To: Diago
That's a shame. Larry Miller (the actual author) is hysterical. Everyone knows his bit about the stages of drunkenness, but he also has a little known bit on skiing which I think is the funniest thing he's ever done.
36 posted on 05/10/2002 8:17:36 AM PDT by tcostell
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To: berned
OK!
37 posted on 05/10/2002 8:19:09 AM PDT by Delbert
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To: Sir Gawain
Did you write this?
38 posted on 05/10/2002 8:20:00 AM PDT by dead
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To: Delbert
Wow! Go, Dennis!!
39 posted on 05/10/2002 8:20:35 AM PDT by Anamensis
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To: Delbert
Why? Those who watch Roller Derby probably have even lower IQs than those that watch MNF. The only reason I watched last season was for Miller. And as someone that watches his show regularly, while this particular article isn't from Miller, he is usually quite right of center

The reason Dennis didn't do well on MNF is because his jokes require an understanding not only of what the 22 fat guys chasing a piece of dead pig around are doing but of history and geopolitics as well.

40 posted on 05/10/2002 8:20:41 AM PDT by billbears
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To: Delbert
I'm a big Dennis Miller fan and appreciate the thread.
41 posted on 05/10/2002 8:22:09 AM PDT by Oldeconomybuyer
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To: Delbert
Larry Miller
42 posted on 05/10/2002 8:22:23 AM PDT by GraniteStateConservative
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To: Diago
OOps, good catch and thanks for the correction.
43 posted on 05/10/2002 8:23:14 AM PDT by Oldeconomybuyer
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To: Anamensis; Delbert
I mean "Go Larry!" or whoever!
44 posted on 05/10/2002 8:23:30 AM PDT by Anamensis
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To: dead
Nugent.
45 posted on 05/10/2002 8:25:06 AM PDT by Sir Gawain
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To: Delbert
Miller is not the typical Hollywood Commie. In fact he is a Libertarian. So he generally has a logical view of things. Let's face it. The reason so many of us dislike him. Is that Rush would have been better on Monday night, and the traitors who infect our media chose Miller instead.
46 posted on 05/10/2002 8:25:09 AM PDT by CyberSpartacus
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To: Diago
Unless you're offering really attractive odds, I won't take that bet.
47 posted on 05/10/2002 8:27:50 AM PDT by Snake65
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To: cweese
MNF 2002 will feature Al Michaels and John Madden, I believe...
48 posted on 05/10/2002 8:28:14 AM PDT by vrwinger
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To: BigBobber
Miller has long been known to be right of center.

You obviously haven't read his other books. He's at best a "moderate", if not leftist.

49 posted on 05/10/2002 8:28:37 AM PDT by ctdonath2
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To: ctdonath2
LARRY Miller on the other hand...
50 posted on 05/10/2002 8:29:46 AM PDT by ctdonath2
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