Estrangement

Author's note: This is a column I ran a few years back and I thought was particularly important during this Christmas season to revisit.

A friend was visiting who I only see on occasion. After talking about our common interests, he told me he was currently splitting his time between where he lived and where he grew up. That was because his 90-year-old father needed to have a family member nearby. After commending him for doing the right thing in taking care of his aging parent, I asked whether he had any siblings who could help. He stated he had one who was no longer in communication with him or his father. His answer as to why was because his father and the sibling had a fight five years ago. Shocked by the statement I inquired of him, “You mean to tell me your sibling got so upset with an 85-year-old man that they no longer communicate?”

Estranged relatives have destroyed me for a while now. Along with parents divorcing, family members refusing to interact with their parents, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles or cousins just drives me crazy. We have enough problems with broken families and families that never fully formed. We have shrinking families due to fewer children per family already. What we do not need are family members deserting each other due to perceived grievances.

Family estrangement is the physical and/or emotional distancing between at least two family members in an arrangement which is usually considered unsatisfactory by at least one involved party. We can all think of situations where separating from your family is justified. For example, if your mother killed your father. But how frequently do things like that happen? Most of the time when you hear someone’s story about why they no longer speak to a family member, you just shake your head with wonderment about how things disintegrated to the point of abandoning any communication.

Just about everyone experiences feelings of despair from dealing with some family members.There were many times when my mother was alive I wanted to strangle her. There were times when I just could not speak with her for days. But cutting her off was never an option.

My son and I fight like - a father and son. He wants to assert his individuality and I want to help him from stepping into a pile of dung that he can easily avoid. Though he solicits advice from both my wife and me often, sometimes matters degenerate into a battle. Once when he was in college he cut off communication for a couple days (which with my son and I is an eternity.)

When we spoke I made clear to him that he could yell at me or call me foul names. But one option he could never do was go silent. Since that time he has never pondered that path again.

It is often stated that the worst thing that could happen to a parent is for them to outlive a child. Then the second worst thing is for the child to become estranged. Whenever I hear these stories I focus on two things. First, what could have possibly transpired that would cause a child or a parent to cut off communication from each other?Second, what pain the parent must be going through because in a way their child has died.

I personally have not experienced the challenges of a mother-daughter relationship, but I am well aware of the challenges of such especially during the teenage years. A relative once told me prior to my own daughter becoming a teenager that once a daughter reaches the age of 13, she goes to another planet and returns as a human being five or six years later. Mothers and daughters can fight over a bevy of things that males don’t even begin to comprehend. None of that justifies excommunication.

My wife often spoke of how her mother tortured her in her teenage years and even into her twenties. She and her two sisters often started a call by saying “Guess what your mother did now.” But when her mother grew older my wife called her every day and spoke to her about many things. She still complained at times of the ‘crazy’ things her mother said. But once her mother passed on she missed those daily talks and still does nearly two years later.

We all know of someone who is estranged from a family member. You might be yourself. Take this holiday season to end this needless destruction. If you have not spoken to someone close to you, just pick up the phone and say “Hi.” It will not be as painful as you might think. If you have a close friend estranged from a family member, offer to drive them to rekindle the relationship. If you really care for your friend, even jump on a plane with them and go break the fruitless stalemate.

You only have so many relatives. You only have one mother or father. Short of some grievous crime, the parting of the ways really is just a matter of false pride. Make this the holiday season you end this sadness. Listen to this advice and you will thank me for a long time. More importantly, you will be a much happier person and so will I.

I had to check to see if Dennis Prager had written this. He delivered a sermon on just this subject that was so heartfelt, at Yom Kippur. He must know someone who is estranged from a parent or something. It does seem to be one of the worst things, if the people involved are not foul or criminal.

I pray my kids never do it to me. We all have to attempt to respect differences, as hard as it can be.

I don’t miss my in-laws at all. I encouraged my husband to re-establish contact and form a relationship (that didn’t include me) and he finally did so a few years ago. I thought it was important for his emotional health to give it another shot. The kids never had a relationship with them because the in-laws didn’t care and now that the kids are grown, the kids don’t care.

We’re close with my immediate family and extended family and we all miss my parents who were the best.

My family. My grandparents on my fathers side were from Sicily. My grandfather died second and the family (my father, two uncles and an aunt) were at the house after the burial. There was an argument.

My grandfather was 92 when he died and probably suffering from alzheimers or other dementia. He actually died from malnutrition in the hospital. He thought people were trying to poison him for his money (about 5,000 in safe in his bedroom. My grandparents didn’t trust banks). He also had a miner pension which ended when he died. My father went there for a month every year after he retired. My grandfather was fed by my cousins and then sums and he still was paranoid.

My aunt came from NJ and took care of him for the last 5 months. She had him change his will (competency unknown). My father was the oldest male and older than my aunt. He didn’t find out about the will till the funeral and he was very angry. In the tradition the oldest male decides who gets what. My aunt said she took care of him and was entitled. Of course my father made his annual trips. The small house in WV was worth 11,000 and there was the 5,000. She took it all. Divide by 4 and you see it’s just a little amount.

My father said he would never talk to my aunt again and he didn’t nor did his brothers. When the middle brother went into the hospital, where he eventually died, he told his wife ands children to not tell his sister he was dying or that he did die. As far as I know they didn’t.

Since then for some reason the aunt’s son my cousin won’t talk to me. WTF! Sicilians till death and beyond.

I just spent the day with my trump hating relatives and had a wonderful time. Politics didn’t come up. It’s possible.

Indeed it is possible. Even if politics do come up. The approach I take is non-combative. I try to subtly win them over instead of getting angry and calling them names, etc. Though I admit I am sometimes tempted to!

With regard to Trump, I like to ask them questions and pull out why they "hate" Trump so much. Almost always, it's because they have bought into what the mainstream media and Democrats have to say about him. I then try to draw out the specifics and allow them to discover the weaknesses of the arguments on their own.

It is human nature to never want to admit you are wrong. So if they are forced to defend their beliefs, they will stick with their flawed beliefs to the bitter end. This, you do not want. Instead, I thank them for their opinion and tell them I respect it while letting them figure it out on their own. That way, they are allowed to save face if they do come around. Most importantly, I will never be one of those preachy and insufferable "I told you so" type of people.

Getting back to the general topic, there are certain family members I do not proactively associate with. Usually because they are negative people who resent my success and want to bring me down to their level. However, I will never shun them or give them "silent treatment" at family functions. I am always holding out hope for their redemption. But life is too short to be miserable. It's not about hate or revenge with me. I simply like to preserve a positive environment and so I only surround myself with friends and positive people.

Yes. I don’t go as far as you. I am outnumbered and they feel probably quite socially superior to me, all being successful etc. So I just stay quiet as far as politics are concerned. But like you, if I am ever in a one on one with someone who cares to know my opinion, I try and expand their blinded minds by explaining how my opinions come from a deep desire for freedom for all as enumerated in our founding documents.

Like you, I don’t preach, I just share what I believe and it stuns them that I am for freedom for everyone, not the racist xenophobe they were told we each are. They are then, like your relatives, forced to defend their weak position. But mostly I just shut up.

And how true, that later on there are many times we could say I told you so but we choose not to. Heh heh. I had a bunch of relatives tell me they were for John Edwards. I mentioned his sex, baby, dying wife scandal and they all didn’t believe me. At the time. Lol.

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