Posted on 10/20/2001 11:20:55 AM PDT by real saxophonist
Follow these hints, live to at least 20
Story By Mike Peters
So anyway, I got this little booklet from my friend Mark, and it was from the 1920s, about health ideas that would make you live longer and healthier.
And it had hints like "No one should die before they are 100 years, and from natural causes, and scientists aver that it soon may be lengthened by 20 years."
Well, maybe all the ideas weren't great, but that's really what it said.
No, I don't know what an "aver" is.
Anyway, it got me to thinking about our heath and how we are more modern now, and need to take better care of ourselves, and as a really healthy guy, I have some:
Valuable Health Hints For You
1. Exercise isn't all it's cracked up to be. It causes sore legs, arms, backs, necks, heads, ears, elbows, hair, teeth, everything. It is better to take care of your body by resting and watching football on TV.
2. Vegetables are good for you. Except cauliflower, which is actually a noxious weed. And brussels sprouts. And chard, which is really goat food.
3. Remember the Blue Rule: "Never eat anything blue unless it's blueberries."
4. Breathe. As often as you can.
5. Coffee is good for you, especially if you have it with a cinnamon roll. Don't worry about calories, because it's a scientific fact that the caffeine in coffee dissolves the calories from the rolls.
6. Nonfat food isn't really food. It's Styrofoam.
7. Exercise machines are Inventions Of The Devil.
8. Get at least 10 hours of sleep a night. Yeah, right.
9. To be more productive at work, goof off more often.
10. Vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup: Nature's most perfect food.
11. Salad is really good, especially if it has lots of bleu cheese dressing and croutons and bacon bits and shredded cheese and sunflower seeds, and none of that lettuce and other green stuff that you don't really need.
12. Beware of Health Experts. They're trying to steal your soul.
13. Try to walk every day. From your car in the parking lot to the door. Stop and rest along the way if you get tired.
14. An afternoon snack is required by Federal Law.
15. An afternoon nap is essential to good health.
16. Doctors will tell you that to relieve stress in your life, punch your boss in the nose. This is not illegal, according to the Colorado Revised Statutes, and the only way you can get arrested is for your boss to prove he didn't deserve it.
17. If your co-workers leave a can of deodorant on your desk, it means you might consider taking a bath.
18. Eat tomatoes only in the summer. Winter tomatoes sold in the stores are actually plastic replicas.
19. I had a friend in the sixth grade who ate dog biscuits, sneaking them into school and munching them secretly in the bathroom. I don't know whatever happened to him.
20. Your cats are trying to kill you while you sleep.
The name Gnarly Trombone was taken from an 1871 Cincinnati newspaper that misread Horace Greeley's handwritten name of the Greeley Tribune. Mike Peters is a Tribune staff writer. He may be reached at: peters@greeleytrib.com
Much of what we know of as plastics were invented just prior to and during World War II in Germany. In the 1950's chemistry majors were required to take German in college because so much of the technical writing on plastics was only available in German.
There were no plastics in the 1920's. Containers for liquids made for human consumption were made of glass. Other things were in metal "tin" cans. There was no such thing as a plastic container. Piano keys and similar things made from plastic today were made from ivory.
Dolls for example had their faces, hands and feet made from ceramics.
Doing research was not this dudes strong suit. Buttons were often made of sea shells
I don't know why he mentioned the '20s...
And I'll bet that Mike Peters has altered this, to conform to PC standards. I'll bet that a booklet published in the 1920's used ENGLISH, and said, "No one should die before he is100 years, and from natural causes, and scientists aver that it soon may be lengthened by 20 years."
Typical journalism student. They should try reading before they go to college.
Aver:to affirm positively: affirm.
FMCDH
It's a well-known fact that mushrooms are grown in trays of poop in a cave. What's not very well known is that whatever grows in these trays of poop has to be sorted by the workers into two piles: POISONOUS and OKAY TO EAT IF YOU LIKE FUNGUS.
In almost every case, the people hired to sort those mushrooms are RECENT ARRIVALS FROM THE MIDDLE EAST.
MY MOTTO
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they're not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc...
Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench press. What did he mean?
A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health clubs; though if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in, you probably ought to reevaluate your exercise program.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain, No Pain.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
This is true. Its corollary is that there are no calories in broken cookies or crackers, nor in any variety of pastry fragment.
LOL. So true.
We're getting some good tips here.
FMCDH
Damn!
"When Strom eats a banana, I eat a banana." -- Bob Dole.
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