Posted on 05/29/2002 6:05:19 AM PDT by Phantom Lord
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29 May 2002 |
WASHINGTON, DC—Calling the current U.S. Capitol "inadequate and obsolete," Congress will relocate to Charlotte or Memphis if its demands for a new, state-of-the-art facility are not met, leaders announced Monday.
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| Above: An architectural firm's proposal for a new retractable-dome capitol. Inset: Hastert addresses reporters. |
"Don't get us wrong: We love the drafty old building," Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert (R-IL) said. "But the hard reality is, it's no longer suitable for a world-class legislative branch. The sight lines are bad, there aren't enough concession stands or bathrooms, and the parking is miserable. It hurts to say, but the capitol's time has come and gone."
"If we want to stay competitive, we need to upgrade," said House Majority Leader Dick Gephardt (D-MO), who has proposed a new $3.5 billion capitol on the site of the current edifice. "Look at British Parliament. Look at the Vatican. Respected institutions in their markets. But without modern facilities, they've been having big problems attracting top talent."
Its cornerstone laid in 1793 by President Washington, the capitol has been built, rebuilt, extended, and restored countless times over the past 209 years. Legislators say another multimillion-dollar renovation is not an acceptable alternative to a new building.
"How many times can you put a fresh coat of paint over an old, broken-down horse?" asked Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA), co-chair of the Senate Relocation Subcommittee. "We need a building that befits our status as the nation's number-one democratically elected legislative body. And if D.C. isn't willing to provide that, I can think of plenty of other cities that would be more than happy to."
The leading candidates for a possible congressional relocation are Charlotte and Memphis, both of which have long sought a major organization to raise their national profile. San Francisco civic leaders have also lobbied hard, offering to finance a $4 billion Pac Bell Capitol Building using a combination of private corporate funds (40 percent), a county sales tax (35 percent), and a local cigarette tax (25 percent). Dallas, Seattle, and Toronto have also been mentioned as long shots.
Demonstrating its commitment to "stay in Washington if at all possible," Congress has invited more than a dozen architectural firms to submit proposals for a new D.C. capitol. Among the early favorites is the ambitiously titled "Halls Of Power," a retro-futuristic design by the Kansas City architectural firm of Hellmuth, Obata, and Kassabaum. The Halls Of Power would feature a retractable rotunda for daytime sessions, a Dancing Waters fountain in the front courtyard, and 55 more luxury boxes than the current building.
"This is just the kind of thing we need to stay competitive in today's lawmaking environment," said agent Barry Halperin, who represents many prominent government officials, including Sen. Jim Jeffords (I-VT) and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. "Washington can no longer afford to ignore the fact that visitor attendance has dropped every year since 1989. Our elected officials don't like coming to this building and, clearly, neither do their constituents."
Experts attribute the decline in congressional attendance to a number of factors, including increased home viewership of legislative activities on C-SPAN, with which Congress signed an exclusive 20-year, $360 million broadcast pact in 1984. It is not known how a new capitol building would affect the terms of that soon-to-expire contract, but Congress is expected to restructure the deal to increase its share of revenues and secure possible advertising rights, regardless of whether it opts for rebuilding or relocation.
According to the lawmakers' constituents, the capitol is not the problem.
"Sure, the capitol's a little beat-up, but it's got its charms," said Geoff Lapointe, a Glendale, CA, voter. "The real problem is the legislators. Back in the old days, you had big stars like John Kennedy and Richard Nixon. Who've they got today? Evan Bayh? Paul Sarbanes? Who's gonna get excited about those guys?"
Lapointe said he is "fed up" with the legislators and their demands.
"Those guys are all just a bunch of spoiled, overpaid crybabies," Lapointe said. "All they want is money—they don't care about all the hardworking people who pay their salaries. Look at 'em: When's the last time you saw them acting like a team? They can take their capitol and shove it."
© Copyright 2002 Onion, Inc., All rights reserved. http://www.theonion.com/
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29 May 2002 | Media Kit | Employment | Copyright |
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The New Capitol WeatherCock
"Those guys are all just a bunch of spoiled, overpaid crybabies," Lapointe said. "All they want is money—they don't care about all the hardworking people who pay their salaries. Look at 'em: When's the last time you saw them acting like a team? They can take their capitol and shove it."
I totally agree with Lapointe.........These egotistical creeps are unbelieveable...........I thought this was some sort of a joke at first...........
Apparently, the Onion doesn't read newspapers. Down here in Charlotte, we just got rid of a vicious gang of freeloaders and outright criminals, by refusing to build a new arena, at taxpayer expense, for the Charlotte Hornets (when they really needed a maximum-security facility). After that victory, the LAST thing we want is an A-Team of 500-plus thieves, hypocrites and scoundrels that make the Hornets look like choir boys. Send'em to Memphis...I understand "The Firm" was situated there.
That's it, that's why we have such rotten Dems in DC.
Before they start issuing threats, they need to start performing the job that they were sent to do. In any other business they would not last very long because all they do is have meeting and then another meeting and then another meeting with the end result being nothing decided, back stabing, arguing and then another meeting, etc., etc., etc..
Remember you whiners, you are elected officials not Gods worthy of palaces to honor your positions.
Did you know that the word 'gullible' isn't in the dictionary?
We all know it's a spoof. It's the Onion. The fun is responding in kind. The ridiculousness of this world, particularly the political one, makes it somewhat meaningless whether it is real or not. I expect something this stupid from Congress. And we're all just practicing how to deal with it when the morons actually do something like this.
"If we want to stay competitive, we need to upgrade," said House Majority Leader Dick Gephardt (D-MO), who has proposed a new $3.5 billion capitol on the site of the current edifice. "Look at British Parliament. Look at the Vatican. Respected institutions in their markets. But without modern facilities, they've been having big problems attracting top talent."
The U.S. Capitol is not Disneyland. This is a place of business, not play. Concession stands and public facilities for tourists were not in original framer's minds when this building was constructed. Unless people have business with their representatives, the capitol should be respected for what it is, not what Dick Gephardt wants it to be. Who is Gephart competing with? The Vatican? Parliament? Perhaps Mr. Gephart forgot he is supposed to be an elected representative of the U.S.A. -- "Attracting top talent?" Real "top talent" is only attracted to those with honor and integrity, not smear campaigns. It isn't the building that does the attracting.The best and only way to upgrade the U.S. Capitol is to rid the place of the egotistical politicians who occupy it.
Almost made me look. :]
According to George Carlin why is the Weather Vane always a Cock????
Ans....Because if it were a c**t the wind would just blow through it.....
In any event, I'm hoping they go on strike in August the same time the real players do, and then *stay* on strike permanently. "That government is best which governs least."
Maybe that's why the Federal government owned and OPERATED the Mustang Ranch for awhile, after it took it over for non-payment of taxes. I am NOT kidding. Remember that?
With luck, that can be partially offset by the naming rights, but that's going to cost some corporation some serious ching.
Did you know that the word 'gullible' isn't in the dictionary?Hmmmmmmm....let's try this new-fangled invention, the internet.
http://www.m-w.com/cgi-bin/dictionary
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Um...no.
Check the source buddy. This article is a joke.
With luck, that can be partially offset by the naming rights, but that's going to cost some corporation some serious ching.
How about a merger? It could become the "Lippo, Loral, Tyson Capitol Building"
After thinking about that 'threat'.............I'd say they would be doing us a favor........but the unfortunate part of it all is they'd just set up their CON GAME somewhere else........
DOME
HUMOR
NEW CAPITAL
PARODY
The bit about relocating to Toronto was a neat twist. Retractable dome...cool!
Today's parody is tomorrow's pork project...
I hate to ruin the MN fellowship on this thread, but I'm a Packers' fan. ;>( Nonetheless, the posturing by politicians and the operators of Professional sports leagues - to disband the Twins franchise or move the Vikings to LA - is an insult to the folks up here. They know it, and they're telling the fat cats and bullying pols to "stick it".
Stadiums are boondoggles, and increasingly taxpayers are rejecting their forced involvement in the funding. Even if I pay a levy to build a new Twins park or Vikings stadium - just because I'm a resident of Hennepin County - I still can't get in unless I have a ticket. The Packers went to the taxpayers and received $250 million to renovate Lambeau Field. Even in that one-horse town, the special tax referendum only received 56% support of Brown County voters. Folks know they are getting jobbed - most Brown County residents will never have the opportunity to see a game in the new Lambeau Field they are funding.
Minneapolis has too many large-money ticket entertainment options right now. It has the equivalent of 7 major league (as far as ticket pricing) teams ... the Twins, Vikings, Wolves, Wild, and the Gopher football, basketball and hockey clubs. It has the Guthrie, Ordway and Orpheum theatres. It has the MN Zoo, Valleyfair, Canterbury Downs racetrack, Indian Casinos, myriad golf courses, a behemoth State Fair and countless festivals. That's too many venues chasing too few dollars. Add in the costs associated with recreational snowmobiling, fishing and boating, and the supply - especially lousy supply (i.e. Gopher football) - will far exceed demand.
Miller Park in Milwaukee is facing the largest decrease in attendance in the year following the opening of a new stadium this year ... they are on pace to be nearly 1,000,000 fans short of the 2.9 million they drew last year. The Brewers stink, and people will visit a stadium once to check it out, but it's the team that puts "asses in seats". A new stadium isn't a panacea to solve baseball's ills. The Yankees have a $120 million payroll, the Twins are at $35 million. The Yankees have been in 5 of the last 6 World Series'. The Twins teams that won Championships in 87 and 91 could never keep that nucleus of Hrbek, Harper, Puckett, Gaetti, Knoblauch, Mack, Bush and Gagne together for 7 years in today's baseball economic climate.
Stadiums are boondoggles. Unlike roads, courts, police, fire, libraries etc., they can't be used equally by all the taxpaying citizens. If a new stadium is a good buisiness investment, a vital business investment, for the owners of pro sports franchises ... they can raise capital the same way every other business does when investments in critical plant and equipment expansions are warranted - stock and bond sales, debt instruments etc. It's not a good private investment. It's a scam.
On NOW at RadioFR!
6pm PDT/9pm EDT- Listen to Radio FreeRepublic live tonight, as Luis Gonzales interviews G. Edward Griffin and discusses his book 'The Creature From Jekyll Island. A Second Look At The Federal Reserve'. Find out the true nature of our monetary system and how it affects you!
(Slapping forehead) I get it! No wonder we have such a bunch of panty waists, bleeding heart cry babys, and misfits who couldn't get any decent job! New facilities are whats needed. Fancy bathrooms and concession stands and viola, a Congress worthy of respect. That seems reasonable to me!
OTOH, screw em. Let them move to BFE for all I care. Come to think of it, quite a few (Bawney comes to mind) would be right at home in BFE.
LMAO. Thanks. Onion!
I've heard the arguments suggesting the fraud of Paper currency, but have you ever been in a bar and tried to play "Liar's Poker" with South African Krugerrands? I rest my case.
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