Posted on 04/11/2002 12:59:22 PM PDT by Map Kernow
If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry; but then again, no one leaves with a hangover.
After the sixth day, G~d created Loehmann's.
Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?
Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.
Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.
The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
Always whisper the names of diseases.
If you don't eat, it will kill me.
Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
Prune Danish is an acquired taste.
Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.
Before you read the menu, read the prices.
According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear.
No meal is complete without leftovers.
What business is a yenta in? Yours.
If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon.
Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.
The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and skullcap will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of course, the man is Jewish. Jules Farber
"Humility is no substitute for a good personality." Fran Lebowitz
"My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me."Benjamin Disraeali
"It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say andthen don't say it." Sam Levenson
"I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and In fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks." Joe E. Lewis
"Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in yourpants pocket and give your coat to your creditors." Sam Goldwyn
"Everybody likes a kidder but nobody loans him money" Arthur Miller
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something." Jackie Mason
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying." Woody Allen
"Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy." Groucho Marx
"The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years sheserved us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never beenfound." Calvin Trillin
She's a humor writer who looks like Lillian Hellman, only much uglier. She appears on the Ad Council's "I Am An American" post-9/11 propaganda TV spots, proclaiming uniquely and a` la Saul Steinberg, "I'm a New Yorker."
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