Skip to comments.Newsweek Demands to Know Why 'Mike Pence's Animals Won't Stop Dying'
Posted on 12/12/2017 4:13:16 AM PST by MarvinStinson
My fellow Americans, I am sorry to bring you this disturbing and frightening tale from the once great Newsweek magazine.
There are no more news stories to report that will upset you more than this one. The bad news is, the Pences are murderous, irresponsible pet owners. Don't take my word for it, read what crack journalist John Haltiwanger at the venerable giant of a news magazine uncovered in "Mike Pence's Pets Won't Stop Dying": "Vice President Mike Pence's family has lost yet another peta cat named Picklejust six months after cat Oreo died."
Pickle the cat died mysteriously after 16 unbearably long years with the deplorable Pence family. While Oreo lived a shorter time, 13 years is an eternity under the tyrannical rule of Mike Pence. Animal lovers everywhere are gathering torches and pitchforks to head to the Pence household to protest the overly long lives these animals had to endure in the presence of such odious people as the Pences.
Pickle is pictured above looking frantic in the arms of a minor Pence. It's no surprise to the news media why the Pence pets won't stop dying. We would die too if we had to be subjected to the daily brainwashing that must go on in that house. Imagine the Bible reading and the family devotion time and dinners together! Yuck! It's still unknown if Mike Pence would allow Pickle, a female, in the same room with him unaccompanied by his wife, Karen. We're quite sure there was sex discrimination involved.
View image on TwitterView image on TwitterView image on TwitterView image on Twitter
Karen Pence ✔ @SecondLady Rest in peace Oreo. You touched a lot of hearts in your little life. Our family will miss you very much. 10:49 AM - Jun 10, 2017
Not only did two Pence cats kick the bucket recently, but the family dog too! Maverick was a perky beagle who Pence says "died peacefully." We're not sure it wasn't suicide after paging through the Pence Instagram account. How much smiling and family togetherness can a dog stand? The three now dead pets aren't the only animals still being held captive by the widely scorned second family. Some adoption center actually let them adopt a new dog and cat despite having three pets who died under mysterious circumstances!
Newsweek also uncovered that the Pences' rabbit, Marlon Bundo, is being used as bunny labor! The Pences had the audacity to post a photo of Bundo on Instagram being forced to sign an unfair labor contract without legal representation. Surely, impeachment proceedings are coming soon.
Also, Newsweek was informed by an unnamed source that the Trumps think very poorly of the Pences and their animal obsession.Trump "reportedly views the Pences as 'yokels' and 'low class' because of all the animals they've brought to Washington," the article explained.
You know how much we in the news media love our unnamed sources, especially when reporting on the dangerous intrigue of the Pence family pets. Should the identity of Newsweek's whistleblower be uncovered, there's no doubt he or she (or xe) would be gunned down in a failed "robbery attempt" in a Washington, D.C., park. Keeping the identities of our pet detectives secret is of the utmost importance to the freedom of the press. Newsweek concludes:
It is unclear if the stress of Washington life is getting to the Pences' political animals. The typical lifespan for a cat is between 12 to 15 years, so Pickle and Oreo had full lives. The same can be said for Maverick, as beagles typically live between 12 and 15 years, and he made it to the ripe old age of 13. So perhaps there isn't any capital intrigue to the issue.
Great balls of fire, Haltiwanger! Don't backtrack now! We're really onto something! Full steam ahead! Impeachment is right around the corner.
Yet the list of arkancide victims is a bit longer than three.
Yet another sign the Left has gone completely bonkers as a result of losing the Presidency.
Hey. Where are the Obama’s two dogs? Anybody seen them recently?
Newsweek is all about the “big” issues of the day. /s
Obama’s dogs were cared for by a professional handler on the White House staff who earned about $80K/yr. Both dogs were known to attack children, one child required medical attention and stitches from the White House doctor after being bit in the face by “BO”.
Liberalism drags down the IQ of everyone who comes in contact with it.
The majority of the 20 comments garnered on the Newsweek story lambast Newsweek, and rightly so...
Nancy Carolan · Union County College
My husband and I lost three dogs in 2016. All were 16 years old. What’s your point? Newsweek has gone to the dumper.
Like · Reply · 1 · 19 hrs
MEMO TO NEWSWEEK:
Why won’t your magazine stop dying?
Like · Reply · 22 hrs
Geez, Newsweek, you are pathetic. Really, twisted propaganda. Whoever allowed this to get to publication is just a demented human being.
Like · Reply · 22 hrs
Gene R Petty
Newsweek, an obvious failure at Journalism.
Like · Reply · 2 · Dec 10, 2017 10:17am
Enjoy unemployment!!! Your a rag!
Like · Reply · 1 · Dec 10, 2017 6:25am
Rick Reeves · New Albany, Indiana
Enjoy your remedial English!!! Your’e an idiot!
Like · Reply · Dec 10, 2017 12:15pm
My fish died - think you can tie Trump into that somehow?
Sheesh - when was the last time I even saw a newsweek in the store...
Like · Reply · 1 · Dec 10, 2017 3:48am · Edited
Dennis Calogera · Manalapan, New Jersey
Where do they hire writers? Junior High School?
Like · Reply · 1 · Dec 9, 2017 7:38pm
John Lundell · Hopkins, Minnesota
Covering family pets passing like this is a new low even for Newsweek. And you wonder why people call you #fakenews and lowlifes.
Like · Reply · 1 · Dec 9, 2017 4:47pm
Rickey Dodd · Samford University
Please get back on your Prozac Newsweek your Trumpsession in really showing
Like · Reply · 1 · Dec 9, 2017 11:29am
Daniel Esposito · Venice, Florida
Something seriously wrong with you if you lead with a title like this. John Haltiwanger
Like · Reply · 1 · Dec 9, 2017 9:15am
Sherry Hutton Parker · File Examiner at Allcat Claims Services
We just had to put our 14 year old doggie baby to sleep this morning. His mother passed 5 months ago. My mom just lost her last old kitty of 18 years 2 days ago after losing 2 others that were sixteen years old 3 months ago. Old pets pass on. It doesn’t make it any easier to know that they lived a long full life. They are a part of the family. My nerves are a little raw this morning, but Newsweek must be full of heartless, souless people to even conceive of a headline like this.
“... the once great Newsweek magazine. ...”
It was never ‘great’. Has been purveyor of fake news since inception.
Barry loves his dogs! Why, he invited them over for a BBQ!
Which goes to show that it is better to be a pet
of the Pences than a colleague of the Clintons.
I wouldn’t be shocked if it was found that PETA, Antifa or Newsweek poisoned the animals. But old age is probably more likely.
Obama-Q-dog, Indonesian style.
I thought Newsweek died long ago.
Now I find out it just has dementia.
"Newsweek" seems to have been reborn as a frothing leftist innuendo delivery device; the DNC has certainly gotten a lot of help out of what was a bankrupt, moribund, waiting room relic.
That's what the media wants you to believe.
I think he is wok-ing them.
At a recent yard sale, I got a great deal on vintage Newsweek and Time mags that published at the time of the JFK assassination. Reading through them was fascinating, as the coverage of events and newswriting were leagues better than anything those two pieces of trash spew out these days.
In a way, it’s kind of sad to see the demise of such once-respected news periodicals, but the irresistible siren song of the liberal agenda destroyed them.
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