Posted on 12/20/2015 6:07:42 AM PST by Kaslin
A friend was visiting that I only see on occasion. After talking about our common interests, he told me he was currently splitting his time between where he lived and where he grew up. That was because his 90-year-old father needed to have a family member nearby. After commending him for doing the right thing in taking care of his aging parent, I asked whether he had any siblings who could help. He stated he had one who was no longer in communication with him or his father. His answer as to why was because his father and the sibling had a fight five years ago. Shocked by the statement I inquired of him "You mean to tell me your sibling got so upset with an 85-year-old man that they no longer communicate?"
Estranged relatives have destroyed me for a while now. Along with parents divorcing, family members refusing to interact with their parents, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles or cousins just drives me crazy. We have enough problems with broken families and families that never fully formed. We have shrinking families due to fewer children per family already. What we do not need are family members deserting each other due to perceived grievances.
Family estrangement is the physical and/or emotional distancing between at least two family members in an arrangement which is usually considered unsatisfactory by at least one involved party. We can all think of situations where separating from your family is justified. For example, if your mother killed your father. But how frequently do things like that happen? Most of the time when you hear someone’s story about why they no longer speak to a family member, you just shake your head with wonderment about how things disintegrated to the point of abandoning any communication.
Just about everyone experiences feelings of despair from dealing with some family members. There were many times when my mother was alive I wanted to strangle her. There were times when I just could not speak with her for days. But cutting her off was never an option.
My son and I fight like - a father and son. He wants to assert his individuality and I want to help him from stepping into a pile of dung that he can easily avoid. Though he solicits both my wife's and my advice often, sometimes matters degenerate into a battle. Once when he was in college he cut off communication for a couple days (which with my son and me is an eternity.)
When we spoke I made clear to him that he could yell at me or call me foul names. But one option he could never do was go silent. Since that time he has never pondered that path again.
It is often stated that the worst thing that could happen to a parent is for them to outlive a child. Then the second worst thing is for the child to become estranged. Whenever I hear these stories I focus on two things. First, what could have possibly transpired that would cause a child or a parent to cut off communication from each other? Second, what pain the parent must be going through because in a way their child has died.
I personally have not experienced the challenges of a mother-daughter relationship, but I am well aware of the challenges of such especially during the teenage years. A relative once told me prior to my own daughter becoming a teenager that once a daughter reaches the age of 13, she goes to another planet and returns as a human being five or six years later. Mothers and daughters can fight over a bevy of things that males don't even begin to comprehend. None of that justifies excommunication.
My wife often spoke of how her mother tortured her in her teenage years and even into her twenties. She and her two sisters often started a call by saying "Guess what your mother did now." But when her mother grew older my wife called her every day and spoke to her about many things. She still complained at times of the 'crazy' things her mother said. But once her mother passed on she missed those daily talks and still does nearly two years later.
We all know of someone who is estranged from a family member. You might be yourself. Take this holiday season to end this needless destruction. If you have not spoken to someone close to you, just pick up the phone and say "Hi." It will not be as painful as you might think. If you have a close friend estranged from a family member, offer to drive them to rekindle the relationship. If you really care for your friend, even jump on a plane with them and go break the fruitless stalemate.
You only have so many relatives. You only have one mother or father. Short of some grievous crime, the parting of the ways really is just a matter of false pride. Make this the holiday season you end this sadness. Listen to this advice and you will thank me for a long time. More importantly, you will be a much happier person and so will I.
God Bless and have a wonderful holiday season.
I, personally, disagree.
The family members I am estranged from do not deserve my time. I can also live without their jibes, insults and lack of honesty.
I’m a conservative and they cannot deal with me.
I wish them all long, happy and prosperous lives. Just keep ‘em away from me.
Merry Christmas.
As goes the family, so goes society.
My youngest son (39 yo) has decided that he wants nothing to do with us. Haven’t heard from him since about last February. We don’t even know where he lives now. He’s made some bad choices in his life. We miss him and our two grandsons.
This advice is well borne out by Charles Dickens’s classic “A Christmas Carol,” wherein Scrooge has estranged himself from his beloved sister’s only son, and comes around following his visitation with the ghosts. It’s a central facet of Scrooge’s reformation. It didn’t get a whole lot of attention in the novel, but in the Alastair Sim movie version they play it up very well indeed, particularly when Scrooge looks into his niece’s eyes and says “Can you forgive a pig-headed old fool for having no eyes to see with, no ears to hear with, all these years.”
Agree.Sharing common ancestors doesn’t mean you are friends, or can even stand each other’s presence.
Some of the biggest family fights happen during the holidays when people that should never set eyes on each other are forced to spend time together. Toss booze into the mix, and you have the ingredients for a real knock down, drag out get together.
Yup. I gave a crew of raging idiots I’m related to. Havent seen or spoken to them in years. Every year was better without them. LIFE was better without them. Blood does not make family. Good people you care about make family.
If thats not true, someone really needs to explain adoption better.
edit Gave UP on
Cut to today and his first child (an older sister to me) is in the bottle by her own choice and I've managed to form a nuclear family with a 12 y/o son that is more important to me than my disfunctional older sibling will ever be.
After having her at my home for Christmas five years ago and watching her drink herself into oblivion in front of several children I've chosen to eliminate that for the good of my sons future.
Nothing is more important than that. Not even a sibling relationship. Estrangement can be a good thing.
I am with you.
We do not get to pick our relatives. Being a realtive does not guarantee a healthy or pleasant relationship.
I would rather spend my time with friends that I have chosen than enduring the jibes, insults and lack of honesty with some of my relatives.
May all my enemies go to Hell,
Noel, noel, noel, noel.
Out parents weren’t perfect, but they were God Fearing, strict, and they were mostly fair. Consequently, despite normal sibling rivalries as children, all of my brothers and sisters grew up to become best friends as adults. Family - it’s the most important thing in life after God.
They have politicized everything from food to bathrooms. Because of their ignorant secular atheist humanist, and yes- fascist philosophy, we cannot escape the “conversations.”
I struggle everyday in my Christian journey to remain kind, humble and forgiving, as I encounter stupidity, arrogance, slothfulness. Family and friends are no exception.
A friend whom I see only occasionally was visiting.
I vote with you. Why try to force a relationship with someone who gouges you at every turn. I am fulfilled by my non-blood-sharing circle of friends who like and respect me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8fPvODASoI&list=RDl8fPvODASoI
The Chieftains: St. Stephen’s Day Murders
Amen. I haven't seen a relative of any kind in years...saves a fortune in travel expenses. :-)
It is terribly sad, especially for little reasons less than murder, grand theft or pedophila.
My grandpa and one of his sisters did not speak for 25 years until he was dying.
Father has a sister and they have not spoken in 20 years or more.
One of my sisters has now cut off my dad - about 30 years and now all siblings. I didn’t even have a fight with her, would have liked to have known the whys.
I always think Sins of the Father.
Also the fifth commandment:
Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the LORD your God is giving you.
“Short of some grievous crime, the parting of the ways really is just a matter of false pride.”
I suppose that would come to defining what a ‘grievous crime’ was. Having a relationship with a relative who is dishonest, selfish, and generally destructive and abusive to everyone including themselves is nigh on impossible. From personal experience I’d say that there are some that you have to set aside in order not to be sucked down into the maelstrom they create.
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