Canada’s government must reach out to the undead

“Under the leadership of this Prime Minister, Canada will never become a safe haven for zombies, ever.” -Foreign Minister John Baird, House of Commons, Feb. 13, 2013.

John Baird’s tough-guy rhetoric may win applause from the Conservative back bench. But the foreign minister’s inflammatory words dangerously oversimplify a complex situation. Worse, they shamefully betray Canada’s historic role as an honest broker between the living and undead communities.

The zombie movement has both a political and a military wing. While the military wing has been responsible for atrocities, which Canada correctly condemns, the political wing provides crucial social services to the zombie population.

Zombies face a frightening humanitarian crisis — aggravated, it may be said, by the sanctions and boycotts imposed on them by living people who refuse to accept the need for coexistence with their mindless, flesh-eating neighbours. To subsist, zombies need to consume human flesh. Yet many zombies exist in an advanced state of decomposition, and lack the strength to rend and devour for themselves. The political wing of the zombie movement delivers important social services to these weakened zombies, serving freeze-dried brains at collective feeding stations and offering communication instruction to zombies who have lost the faculty of speech. It is only by talking to the political wing of the zombie movement that there can be any hope of a peace process.

Just in case you missed the point:

This was an exchange between a member of Her Majesty's Loyal Opposition and a Minister of the Crown during daily Question Period.

Both were poking a bit of fun at theCenters for Disease Control and the Province of Quebec.

Davit Frum was taking the opportunity to have his own bit of fun.

Here it the exchange in Question period as recorded in Hansard (The Parliamentary system's Equivalent of the Congressional Record):

Mr. Pat Martin (Winnipeg Centre, NDP):
Mr. Speaker, I rise today to salute the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta and the Province of Quebec for putting in place emergency measures to deal with the possibility of an invasion of zombies. I do not need to tell you, Mr. Speaker, that zombies do not recognize borders and that a zombie invasion in the United States could easily turn into a continent-wide pandemic if it is not contained.
On behalf of concerned Canadians everywhere, I want to ask the Minister of Foreign Affairs: Is he working with his American counterparts to develop an international zombie strategy so that a zombie invasion does not turn into a zombie apocalypse?
Hon. John Baird (Minister of Foreign Affairs, CPC):
Mr. Speaker, I want to assure the member and all Canadians that I am “dead-icated” to ensuring that this never happens. I want to say categorically to this member, and through him to all Canadians, that under the leadership of this Prime Minister, Canada will never become a safe haven for zombies, ever.

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