Posted on 06/21/2011 6:21:08 AM PDT by Kaslin
Dear Dave,
My husband and I have been married less than a year, and already we’re having huge disagreements over money. He’s got a big heart, but often he’ll just give money to friends and family. Sometimes, this leaves us short when it comes to monthly bills, paying off debt, and saving anything. I guess he thinks we’ll get by somehow, but it scares me. What can I do?
Summer
Dear Summer,
It sounds like he does have a big heart, and I’m sure that’s one of the reasons you love him. But this kind of behavior is completely irresponsible. What’s worse, it’s driving you crazy. At this point, you have every right to be scared and frustrated, because the message he’s sending you is he wants to take care of everyone else before he takes care of you and your family. That’s not a good idea.
Broke people can’t help broke people, meaning only the strong can help the weak. At this point, you guys should be working together to get your own financial house in order. I’m talking about becoming debt-free, with a fully loaded emergency fund of three to six months’ worth of expenses in place, and something set aside for your golden years. Then, once all that has been taken care of, if you have a friend or family member in financial need, you can gift them $300 or whatever you guys agree is an appropriate amount.
I’m a big giver, both at my business and in my personal life. But I’ve learned that my first gifts should go to my wife and family. After I’ve taken care of my own, then comes giving outside of the household. You guys need to take care of yourselves right now. Kill off the debt and build up some wealth so that your husband’s heart can function in that gift!
—Dave
Dear Dave,
My husband and I are both spenders. We want to get on a plan and handle our money better, but is there anything that will help us learn to give up stuff now so that we’ll have more in the future?
Beth
Dear Beth,
I know what you’re talking about. Old habits are really hard to break, especially when they’re fun old habits. Even when you wake up and feel the pain and realize you shouldn’t have done something, it’s easy to slip right back into the same old stuff, isn’t it?
The only way I’ve ever been able to achieve anything like that is to find something specific I want bad enough out there in the future to give up something in the present. You may have heard me say, “Live like no one else, so that later you can live like no one else.” Well, this is more a case of you have to want to live like no one else later, so that today you’ll live like no one else.
I saw a bumper sticker once that read “Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.” I’ve got to agree with the idea behind that. No discipline is pleasant, but it’s the pain of changing something in your life that eventually leads to a positive result.
Think about it this way. A great definition of maturity is learning to delay pleasure. Ouch!
Is it just me, or does it seem like the only people who turn to other people to borrow money are the same ones who get turned down by banks and other sources of credit?
BUMP/PING!
Regarding the first letter to Dave, I agree absolutely with what he says but may I add something? We have some friends who were just like this.... husband is a good man with many skills and strengths. However, he wasn’t great with money. So, his wife took over the financial planning, paying bills, etc... In this particular case, they are now doing great financially. Perhaps whatever spouse is more disciplined with the finances... should be the one who deals with the family budget. Just a thought.
They may not be borrowing. Some people get a great sense of satisfaction by giving out money. It makes them feel “rich”.
I don’t give anyone money except my kids. The answer is always “no”.
That’s pretty much what we did. My wife is the disciplined, organized one so I put her in charge of the finances. My job is to code the spreadsheets and make the money.
People who write to Dave Ramsey about their problems have a larger problem that they may not know about. Poor judgment about where to turn for advice.
Repeat after me...
All that I Am,
All that I Have, and
All that I will be is Yours
for as Long as We Both Shall Live
spouses should not make unilateral decisions
to give away money, period.
It is very... stabilizing
Please elaborate.
Sounds to me like you two are the perfect couple!! I am the type of person that thinks we all have our strengths and weaknesses. I think the “smarter” people in the world are the ones who figure out what they aren’t good at and assign/give over that type of job to the other spouse. In the case that I discussed, there isn’t any sort of secrecy or anything negative. It is simply a job that one did better.
Heh. I need to find these people.
Excellent point, and I won’t loan any money to people for the exact reason that I know they won’t pay me back. I am not a bank
Nope. If you want to write to Dear Abby or Dave Ramsey, go ahead.
When my car was stolen, I had just given the money away to a poor, sad man. I was so happy that a bad man didn't get the money. Destiny??
Why don't you discuss the article instead of bitching about the author
My husband has put me in charge of paying the bills from the day we got married which was over 48 years ago, and I always made sure to pay our bills on time
I would except I’m a weak husband.
My country is $14 trillion in debt with huge expenses in both the near and long term future. We've spent the entire retirement fund and every year we've been adding another trillion and a half to the credit card. Recently we've been paying our bills with money we just print on the laser printer. But still other countries have their hands out and we've been spending money getting into their local squabbles. What should we do, Dave?
Broke people can’t help broke people, meaning only the strong can help the weak. At this point, you guys should be working together to get your own financial house in order. I’m talking about becoming debt-free, with a fully loaded emergency fund of three to six months’ worth of expenses in place, and something set aside for your golden years. Then, once all that has been taken care of, if you have a friend or family member in financial need, you can gift them $300 or whatever you guys agree is an appropriate amount.
This might be true in some instances. On the other hand, there are people who will take advantage of you if you let them.
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