Books That Could Never Get Published Today

Readers at the New York Times have already spoken about the most overrated books of all time and the winners (or rather, the losers) are J.D. Salinger's "The Catcher in the Rye" and God's "The Bible." I read all about it in the Times' Paper Cuts blog ("Plaster Saints?") and arrived at the conclusion that the least favorable works were usually those that failed to adhere to political correctness. (New York Times readers LOVED Obama's "Audacity of Hope.")

Moby Dick -- Dear Mr. Melville: A quite similar book has already been done by Jonah and it is still in print. We'd reconsider if you could produce a more sensitive Capt. Ahab. You do go on about whaling. Also, your opening line does not work for us. Can you come up with something better than "Call me Ishmael?" (Our first readers, by the way, were rooting for the whale.)

The Old Man and the Sea -- Dear Mr. Hemingway: We no longer use the term "old man." (Our first readers, by the way, were rooting for the fish.)

Leaves of Grass -- Dear Mr. Whitman. Good for you. We are glad that you celebrate America. We don't. Also, we are larger than you and contain more multitudes.

Ivanhoe -- Dear Sir Walter Scott: Glorifies chivalry. Women can take care of themselves and don't need men except to take out the garbage. Or haven't you heard?

Exodus -- Dear Mr. Uris: We could give this further thought if you would delete all references to Israel. Can you find some other country?

Diary -- Dear Miss Frank: We might consider this work if you would delete all references to the genocide known today as the Holocaust, also to your reminding people that you are Jewish. Can't you make yourself more "universal" for a broader readership? We enjoyed your tone of voice and some of our editors suggest that you place your predicament somewhere in Los Angeles, you know, growing up as a mixed-race foster child on the mean streets of south-central LA. We have already had great success with such a memoir, though later proven to be fraudulent. In your hands, however, this could work.

The Adventures of Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn -- Thank you for both submissions, Mr. Clemens. You have captured the times we live in so perfectly. You have presented our culture admirably. Your dialogue is pitch-perfect. You have not shied from using language that is offensive, insulting and derogatory. This is the mark of a great novelist - the boldness to tell life as it really is. Future generations have a right to know how it really was in America, warts and all. These two works - entirely authentic! What courage! For all those reasons, we pass. Good luck elsewhere.

Women -- Dear Mr. Bukowski: You must be kidding. Are you aware how insulting this is to women? Give it up and stick to your job at the Post Office.

Dear Mr. Whitman: We understand that, since you could find no traditional publisher, including ourselves, you went ahead and SELF-PUBLISHED Leaves of Grass. As we told you, our editors are the finest in the land and if we passed on it, it means that your book is unworthy. Going the self-publishing route is a guarantee that Leaves of Grass will never succeed. We regret that you had to take that step. Good luck finding another line of work.

The Metamorphosis -- Dear Mr. Kafka: We fail to get the symbolism. The man wakes up to find himself turned into a monster insect? We've been tossing this around from editor to editor and can't see the metaphor. Perhaps, however, you intend this to be a political novel, your political statement, in which a Democrat wakes up to find himself a Republican (in other words, monster insect) and thus raises havoc and horror among family, neighbors and friends. If that is the case, be more specific and we'll have another look.

Dear Moses: All right already! Thunder, lightning, hail, fire and brimstone were over the top and quite unnecessary. How do we get rid of all these frogs?

About the author: Jack Engelhard's latest novel, "The Bathsheba Deadline," now available in paperback, places journalism at the center of our war on terror and has been hailed (by author Robert Spencer) as "a rousing thriller about clashing civilizations." Engelhard wrote the international bestselling novel "Indecent Proposal" that was translated into more than 22 languages and turned into a Paramount motion picture starring Robert Redford and Demi Moore.

Thanks for the ping Titan. I think the Times would find problems with Orwell's "Animal Farm", Huxley's "Brave New World" and go into complete meltdown over Heinlein's "This I Believe" essay. I never tire of rereading it:

(Robert A. Heinlein wrote these words in 1952 and delivered them to a national radio audience in a broadcast interview by Edward R. Murrow. His wife, Virginia Heinlein, read them when she accepted on his behalf NASA's Distinguished Public Service Medal on October 6, 1988, awarded him posthumously.)

THIS I BELIEVE
by Robert A. Heinlein

"I am not going to talk about religious beliefs, but about matters so obvious that it has gone out of style to mention them."

"I believe in my neighbors."

"I know their faults and I know that their virtues far outweigh their faults. Take Father Michael down our road a piece - I'm not of his creed, but I know the goodness and charity and loving kindness that shine in his daily actions. I believe in Father Mike; if I'm in trouble, I'll go to him. My next-door neighbor is a veterinary doctor. Doc will get out of bed after a hard day to help a stray cat. No fee - no prospect of a fee. I believe in Doc."

"I believe in my townspeople. You can knock on any door in our town say, 'I'm hungry,' and you will be fed. Our town is no exception; I've found the same ready charity everywhere. For the one who says, 'To heck with you - I got mine,' there are a hundred, a thousand, who will say, 'Sure, pal, sit down.'

"I know that, despite all warnings against hitchhikers, I can step to the highway, thumb for a ride and in a few minutes a car or a truck will stop and someone will say, 'Climb in, Mac. How how far you going?'

"I believe in my fellow citizens. Our headlines are splashed with crime, yet for every criminal there are 10,000 honest decent kindly men. If it were not so, no child would live to grow up, business could not go on from day to day. Decency is not news; it is buried in the obituaries - but it is a force stronger than crime."

"I believe in the patient gallantry of nurses... in the tedious sacrifices of teachers. I believe in the unseen and unending fight against desperate odds that goes on quietly in almost every home in the land."

"I believe in the honest craft of workmen. Take a look around you. There never were enough bosses to check up on all that work. From Independence Hall to the Grand Coulee Dam, these things were built level and square by craftsmen who were honest in their bones."

"I believe that almost all politicians are honest. For every bribed alderman there are hundreds of politicians, low paid or not paid at all, doing their level best without thanks or glory to make our system work. If this were not true, we would never have gotten past the thirteen colonies."

"I believe in Rodger Young. You and I are free today because of endless unnamed heroes from Valley Forge to the Yalu River."

"I believe in - I am proud to belong to - the United States. Despite shortcomings, from lynchings to bad faith in high places, our nation has had the most decent and kindly internal practices and foreign policies to be found anywhere in history."

"And finally, I believe in my whole race. Yellow, white, black, red, brown - in the honesty, courage, intelligence, durability... and goodness ... of the overwhelming majority of my brothers and sisters everywhere on this planet. I am proud to be a human being. I believe that we have come this far by the skin of our teeth, that we always make it just by the skin of our teeth - but that we will always make it... survive... endure. I believe that this hairless embryo with the aching, oversize brain case and the opposable thumb, this animal barely up from the apes, will endure - will endure longer than his home planet, will spread out to the other planets, to the stars, and beyond, carrying with him his honesty, his insatiable curiosity, his unlimited courage - and his noble essential decency."

"This I believe with all my heart."

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