Man’s Impending Death To Be Caused By Second Hand Smoke
Atlanta, Ga. July 13, 2007– In a joint press conference on Friday, the World Health Organization and the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced that the premature death of a Montana man will be caused by exposure to Second Hand Smoke.
“After extensive conversation with the SAMMEC computers and after long and grueling hours of torturing the data until it told us what we want to hear, we are finally prepared to definitively state that Richard Mooreheads’ death will be a direct result of his exposure to Second Hand Smoke.” Said WHO Director-General Dr. Margaret Chan “We can find no other logical reason for Mr. Moorehead's soon to be tragic demise other than his exposure to SHS.”
The soon to be deceased Mr. Moorehead, 54, an unemployed HIV positive, type 2 diabetic, MS, ALS and kidney dialysis patient who is addicted to crystal meth and heroin, was shocked and visibly angry when told of his diagnosis and cause of death. Reached at his home in an exclusive gated trailer park community in Missoula, MT, Mr. Moorehead blamed his impending death on the careless brutes with cigarettes down at Jim’s Roadhouse Bar on Highway 263. “I’ve never smoked tobacco in my life. But that darn Jim’s Bar was always filled with that there smoke.”
Second Hand Smoke, also known as environmental tobacco smoke (ETS) is a mixture of the smoke given off by the burning end of a cigarette, pipe or cigar and the smoke exhaled from the lungs of a smoker. It causes an estimated 450,000 deaths per day, according to health authorities, Al Gore and Dionne Warwick’s Psychic Friends Network. It’s also been known to cause AIDS, herpes, hemorrhoids, athlete’s foot and jock itch.