Posted on 07/04/2007 8:56:34 PM PDT by Reform Canada
On the Fourth of July Americans will cynically celebrate the greatest setback world progress has ever endured in all of human history. The rest of humankind will, of course, be grieving over the dark day when the United States of America was born. To understand the full scope of this tragedy we must look back at the pre-7/04 world and see what it was like to live on planet Earth before 1776. ~ Prior to July 4, 1776, not a single person in the world starved, got sick, worked hard for a living, or experienced any pain and anxiety. No one had ever been oppressed or unfairly exploited because the oppressive and unfair American system had not yet been created.
Since the beginning of time employment had been equally guaranteed to anyone who cared to work, along with an equal pay of exactly $1,000 a week regardless of outcome, occupation, or the geographical area. All work was equally pleasant and enjoyable. Those who chose not to work also received $1,000 a week in unemployment compensation and Union benefits. Other guaranteed people's rights included the right to housing and free universal health care, as well as the right to 100% literacy through federally funded public education.
People never heard of wars, crime, corruption, slavery, torture, murder, cannibalism, and man-made hurricanes. Peace and harmony reigned supreme because the concepts of greed, selfishness, and private property had not yet been invented by the American corporate interests and maliciously spread around the world as part of the American cultural hegemony.
Each person in that ideal world practiced his or her own peaceful spirituality, worshipping Earth, Nature, and the Sacred Feminine, while honoring the spiritual traditions of everyone else. Benevolent chieftains dispensed benefits to their subjects to each according to their needs, making sure that ethnic and sexual minorities were equally and proportionally represented in all spheres of public life. Habeas Corpus was the law of the land, along with Exit Strategy and Geneva Conventions.
Family planning, effective birth control, and early sex education ensured that every family had exactly 2.2 children per household, which prevented overpopulation and famine. Commerce, travel, and international trade were uncommon; everyone lived and died within not more than a five-mile distance from their birthplace. People didn't feel the need to migrate, set up colonies, take over other countries, create empires, settle in uninhabited areas, or fight one another over a creek in the desert.
All farming was organic and for subsistence purposes only. The environment was clean due to reliance on alternative fuels and invigorating manual labor. As a result, everybody lived in comfortable, carbon-neutral houses, eating plenty of good food on a regular basis, and driving fuel-efficient automobiles when they weren't riding their 18-speed urban cruiser bicycles.
This was an amazing achievement of indigenous cultures considering that there had been no division of labor and most people lived on farms. In the free time that remained after toiling the soil and tending to the animals, the indigenous farmers discerned the laws of nature, developed vaccines for deadly illnesses, stretched out the average lifespan prodigiously, and fed the starving in far away places.
This Golden Age lasted from about 20,000 BC up until the American Revolution. After 1776 everything just went downhill.
Immediately upon declaring their Independence, the Americans began the theft of native Indian lands, industries, highways, and communications infrastructure. The Americans used Black slave labor to invent things that would give them an unfair edge over other cultures: cotton gin, bifocals, steam power pumps, self propelled amphibious vehicles, coffee pot, sewing machine, power tools, ether anesthesia, mechanical refrigerator, cylinder printing press, passenger elevator, burglar alarm, oil well drilling, repeating rifle, pin tumbler lock, roller skates, offset printing, barbed wire, dental drill, mimeograph, telephone, light bulb, hearing aid, electric fan, skyscraper, disposable camera, escalator, motion picture camera, safety razor, air conditioner, airplane, assembly line, frozen food, radio astronomy, television, chair lift, nylon, defibrillator, microwave oven, atomic bomb, carbon dating, Polaroid camera, polio vaccine, integrated circuit, oral contraceptive, laser, computer, operating system, optical fiber, calculator, product barcode, space shuttle, artificial heart, internet, and graphic user interface.
Once they stole enough wealth and power, the Yankees moved on to exploit the rest of the world, setting up corporations on every street corner in order to oppress and humiliate people of other cultures, races, and religions. The corporations launched wars and endemic diseases to create economic need and political chaos from which, like Venus from the sea foam, the greedy bourgeois class was born. With the help of the local bourgeoisie, the Americans overthrew all of the free world's honest and caring chieftains, replacing them with corrupt democratic regimes in order to steal their oil and destroy local ecosystems.
American preachers and missionaries confiscated all means of birth control from the aboriginal tribes, causing disastrous demographic explosions, followed by famine and more wars. Once the world was subdued and demoralized, Americans lowered indigenous people's salaries to ten cents a day, at the same time forcing them to buy American goods by way of boldfaced advertising.
The American TV commercials insulted the refined tastes of subsistence farmers so much that they often threw organic eggs and vegan burgers at their plasma screens, destroying them and unwittingly creating a demand for even more TVs. With all the commotion they missed the advance of Global Warming, a clandestine project executed from the secret climate change centers paid for by American imperialists.
I think it’s supposed to be funny. But too much of it reads like something from a college term paper. Whether serious or humorous, it’s not to my taste.
So I’m hoping and praying and laughing that People’s Cube spews irony and sarcasm.
An excellent summary of American history. Someone is about to receive tenure in an ethnic studies department somewhere.
I have to agree.
where’s the barf alert?
Silly article, killer web site though!
bttt
can’t be for real???? I hear that black plague thing was pretty crappy...and that 100 years war, spanish inquisitions, crusades combo was not so fun
can’t be for real???? I hear that black plague thing was pretty crappy...and that 100 years war, spanish inquisitions, crusades combo was not so fun
I have bookmarked the site. Funny! Yes, it is a parody site, however it mirrors perfectly the moonbat view of the world in Moonbatapolis.
bump for sarcasm at its best....lol
Bump for a good laugh later.
Another agree.
This Golden Age lasted from about 20,000 BC up until the American Revolution. After 1776 everything just went downhill.
The trouble is, for everyone of us that find this hilarious, there is some poor dumbass that thinks it true.
To be a Democrat you have to believe the points this article makes are true.
And to be a Democrat/liberal you also have to believe the following 22 things:
1. You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.
2. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese and North Korean communists.
4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.
5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical documented changes in the earth’s climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUV’s.
6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.
7. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.
8. You have to believe that the same teacher who can’t teach 4th-graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
9. You have to believe that hunters don’t care about nature, but loony activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do.
10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
11. You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make The Passion of the Christ for financial gain only.
12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Gen. Robert E. Lee, and Thomas Edison & A.G. Bell.
15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.
16. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal and is a very nice person.
17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn’t worked anywhere it’s been tried is because the right people haven’t been in charge.
18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and a sex offender belonged in the White House.
19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.
20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese Government is somehow in the best interest to the United States.
21. You have to believe that this message is a part of a vast, right wing conspiracy.
22. You have to believe that it’s okay to give Federal workers off on Christmas Day but it’s not okay to say “Merry Christmas.”
The problem is that I’ve known at least one person who would seriously believe this.
It omits that there were no such things as guns, or the C.I.A., and that all leaders were elected by the popular vote and stepped down after serving the people for two terms. They didn’t get paid, either, because they were honored to be allowed to help the proletariat. While all the people lived in splendid, marble and gold paneled houses, the leaders lived in tents, too.
:)
You josh, but I have met plenty of people over here who think like that.
Funnily enough they seem to be from wealthy backgrounds. Peasants like my family and me are practical and only want to get through a working week with the minimum of bother.
You know that was a joke right?
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.