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It All Began (Unfortunately) in a Place Called Hope   Bill Clinton was born (a poor black child, named) William Jefferson Blythe III on August 19, 1946, in the small town of Hope, Arkansas. He was named after his (purported) father, William Jefferson Blythe II, who (like dozens of other Clinton associates) had been killed in a car accident just three months before his (evil) son was born. Needing to find a way to support herself and her new (evil) child, Bill Clinton's mother, Virginia Cassidy Blythe, moved to New Orleans, Louisiana, to study nursing. Bill Clinton (had his horns surgically removed and) stayed with his mother's parents in Hope. There he was surrounded by many relatives who (married each other and) gave him love and support and who played a significant role in his upbringing. Bill Clinton's grandparents, Eldridge and Edith Cassidy, taught him (to not have) strong values and beliefs. They owned a small grocery store just outside of Hope, and despite the segregation laws of the time, (Bill's spinmeisters invented the story that) they allowed people of all races to purchase goods on credit. They taught their (evil) young grandson that everyone is created equal and that people should not be treated differently because of the color of their skin (although you should choose cabinet members not on their qualifications, but on their race and gender.) This was a lesson Bill Clinton never forgot (yet he couldn't remember getting sucked off by an intern). His mother returned from New Orleans with her nursing degree in 1950, when her (evil) son was four years old. Later that same year, she married an automobile salesman named Roger Clinton (who soon realized that he was the stepfather to devil-spawn). When Bill Clinton was seven years old, (he spun his head around 360 degrees and) the family moved to Hot Springs, Arkansas. Known for its natural mineral hot springs, its scenic beauty, and its racetrack, Hot Springs was bigger than Hope and offered better (chicks and) employment opportunities. Roger received (oral sex from a hooker, and then landed) a higher paying job as a service manager for his brother's car dealer-ship and Virginia was able to find a better job (and accidently kill a guy) as a nurse anesthetist. In 1956. Bill Clinton's (dopey) half-brother, Roger Clinton, Jr., was born. When his (halfwit) brother was old enough to enter school, young Bill (killed a cat in a ritualistic offering to Satan and) had his last name legally changed from Blythe to Clinton (much to the chagrin of his stepfather). In 1960, John F. Kennedy was elected President. Two years later, when Bill Clinton was a (fledging sexual predator, and a) senior in high school, he was selected to go to Washington, D.C., to be a part of Boys Nation, a special youth leadership conference. The young men of Boys Nation (fondled) and (raped many of) the young women of Girls Nation (before they) were invited to the White House to meet President Kennedy (who whisked away a hooker of his own, and showed the kids in). Bill Clinton (elbowed the young girls aside and) was one of the first in line to shake President Kennedy's hand in the Rose Garden. (Imaginary church burnings and) That event was one of the most memorable, important experiences of his youth. After that, he knew he wanted to (get laid and) make a difference in the lives of the people of America by becoming President. That same year, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., gave his historic "I Have a Dream" speech at the foot of the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, D.C. Bill Clinton (made up a pandering story about how he) watched the speech on television and was so deeply moved by Dr. King's words that he memorized them. (Although,) He admired Dr. King's gift for communicating a clear vision and his ability to pull people together to work toward a common goal (, Clinton chose racial divisiveness instead). Dr. King became one of Bill Clinton's heroes (second only to Larry Flynt). Inspired by the success of these leaders, young Bill (womanized and) thrived on the hard work that his academic and extracurricular activities required. As a (sick bastard with a hyper-) active member (he desecrated the spirituality) of his church, (and made up a story about how) he raised money and organized charity events. Most important, he learned about working with people and being a good citizen (by committing perjury, sexual harrassment, obstruction of justice, rape, and treason.) In his spare time, he enjoyed reading (porno mags). Some of his favorite (non-pornographic) books were The Silver Chalice, The Last of the Mohicans, The Robe, and Black Beauty. (Besides rape, ) Playing the saxophone was his favorite pastime. He loved music, practiced every day, and played (with himself and) in jazz ensembles. (What'd you do with the money? What money? The money your mother gave you for sax lessons! (rimshot!)) Each summer, he (he grew more evil and) attended a band camp in the Ozark Mountains. His hard work paid off when he became a top (pot smoker and) saxophone player at his school and (through a well placed bribe,) won first chair in the state band's saxophone section.Bill Clinton recognized that although college would be expensive, (there would be tons of girls to rape there and) it would give him the education he needed to accomplish his (sick, twisted) goals. His hard work in school, combined with his (total lack of) musical ability, (somehow) earned him many academic and music scholarships. With the help of those scholarships and loans from the government, he was able to attend (and assault women at) Georgetown University in Washington, D.C. He chose Georgetown because it had (many sororities and) an excellent foreign service program; he was also excited about going to school in the nation's capital (sensing, at a young age, that it was his kind of town). While earning his Bachelor of Science degree in International Affairs he (earned his senatorial kneepads, while he) worked as an intern in the office of Arkansas Senator J. William Fulbright. There he learned how (a corrupt) government worked and what it was like to be a (sinister) politician. He admired Senator Fulbright for his accomplishments and beliefs (yet chose to have no firm beliefs of his own). When Bill Clinton finished college in 1968, he (dodge the draft and) won a Rhodes Scholarship, which allows select students to (protest American foreign policy and) study at Oxford University in England. While at Oxford, he (raped a British chick,) studied government and played rugby. Upon his return to the United States, he began law school at Yale University. At Yale, he (sexually assaulted a fellow student and) continued to work hard. He maintained his interest in (corrupt) government by campaigning for a Senate candidate in Connecticut. He also met (the sick witch) Hillary Rodham, whom he would later marry (and subsequently cheat on.). When he graduated from law school in 1973, Bill Clinton returned to Arkansas to teach law (and sexually assault one of his students in his office) at the University of Arkansas at Fayetteville. There he could (snort cocaine and) concentrate on his goal of running for political office. In 1974, he had his first opportunity (to lie from a podium) when he ran for Congress against Republican incumbent John Paul Hammerschmidt. Although he lost the race, Bill Clinton learned much about (the evil world that is) politics and he met people who have remained his lifelong friends (until he had them killed). (The sick witch) Hillary had joined him in Arkansas and helped him (fix his next) campaign. She also began (sleeping with Vince Foster while) teaching at the University of Arkansas. (Although Hillary had begun to realize that she might be a lesbian,) They were married on October 11, 1975.
From August 1986 to August 1987, Governor Clinton (led the drug smuggling operations at Mena airport and) served as chairman of the National Governors' Association. During that time, he (had two young boys killed after they stumbled upon his activities at the airport and) led the governors' efforts to (institute a few meaningless statutes that were supposed to) reform the welfare system and the educational systems of the states. By the fall of 1991, Governor Clinton believed that the country needed someone with (no morals,) a new vision and (a sinister) plan, and he decided to (realize his evil dreams and) run for President. He also (lied about every issue and) felt that he had the experience and the best ideas (for bringing about the destruction of our legal system and military while pretending to stand) for changing our country for the better. He wanted to (assume control of one sixth of our economy, unsuccessfully disguising his plan as an attempt to) strengthen the health care system, (despite his campaign promises, he had no plan) to improve the school system, and, most of all, (he denounced Republican economic policies, while leaving them essentially unchanged and allowing those policies) to bolster the economy and create new jobs. He brought (Chinese money launderers onto his team, to collect the funds that would allow him to spread) his message to the country by (appealing to a brain dead media and) going door to door, holding (Satanic high mass and having obviously staged) one-on-one talks with people in town hall meetings, and appearing (to be sane while) on various talk shows. After (lying his way through) a long primary process, Governor Clinton (assumed his rightful place on Satan's council and) was nominated as the Democratic presidential candidate. He chose Senator Al ("Skycam") Gore, of Tennessee to be his (servile sidekick and) vice-presidential running mate. Together, Bill Clinton and Al Gore set out (to destroy the country, travelling) by bus to meet (chicks and) the people of America and to hear about their concerns and their hopes for the future (while pretending to give a shit). They campaigned on the (meaningless, but compassionate-sounding) concept of "putting people first'---preserving the American Dream (of bombing sovereign countries), restoring the hopes of the middle class (by raising their taxes), and reclaiming (presumably from child murdering Republicans) the future for the nation's children.
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In 1976, Bill Clinton was elected Attorney General of Arkansas (and raped Juanita Broaddrick). Two years later, at the age of thirty-two, he (and his wife defrauded the government through a series of sham financial actions that would later be known as "Whitewater. Due to the insanity of Arkansas voters, he) became the youngest governor in the United States. As governor of Arkansas, he (sold HIV tainted blood to Canada and) concentrated on (seducing secretaries, while paying lip service to) improving the state's educational system and building better roads. On February 27, 1980, (the fruit of Web Hubble's loins completed its gestation and) the Clintons' daughter, Chelsea Victoria, was born. (Realizing that it would sound good to the soccer moms,) The Clintons describe this day as the happiest one of their lives.
Later that year, in a close election, Governor Clinton (had a falling out with Satan and subsequently) lost the race for a second term to Republican Frank White. Feeling that he had not accomplished (his evil goals, which was really) all that he wanted to do, he ran as the Democratic candidate in the next gubernatorial election. Campaigning throughout the state, he assured the voters that he would address their needs, (reconciled with the Prince of Darkness) and he was re-elected in November 1982.
(The final downfall of our country occurred) When election day arrived on November 3, 1992, (and the gullible) voters turned out in record (low) numbers to cast their ballots. Bill Clinton (sacrificed a goat and) was elected the 42nd President of the United States and Al Gore (invented the internet and was elected) the 45th Vice President. They had succeeded in (using racially divisive tactics, while pretending to be) bringing the people together in their (hugely successful) efforts to change our country (for the worse).
Throughout his life, President Clinton has worked to make a difference in (taking) the lives of others. To him, Hope means more than a small town in Arkansas; it means working to ensure that each (unsuspecting) American has (their rights taken from them, while they still ignorantly believe that they have) the opportunity to fulfill his or her dream.