Parents of attention-deficit kids need treatment too, experts say

Chicago Sun-Times ^ | January 7, 2004 | Unattributed

[Pan_Yans Wife]

For children who are suffering from a true medical condition, of course it should be sought and used in the most effective way.

My thoughts had to do with the overdiagnosis of ADHD, with pressure from the schools on the parents to receive medication when none is needed.

[drjimmy]

I have a son with Asperger Syndrome as well. It is both a blessing and a curse: he got punched in the face at school a couple of weeks ago because his social cluelessness led him to say the wrong thing to the wrong person, yet later this month he will be taking the SATs (he's only in 8th grade).

It is sometimes difficult coping with the ignorance on this site expressed by those who think ADHD and related problems are simply caused by "lazy parents," but there are also many who have walked in our shoes and know these things really exist.

[thoughtomator]

ooh that's gotta hurt

[Tax Government]

My ex-wife was very, very depressed for years and finally got medical treatment for ADD. Our school-age son also was treated for ADD with the same medication. Imho this was a good thing for them both. They have since phased out of the medication, but are willing to use it when/if needed. ADD is aptly named, since an attention deficit really is the problem.

[Pan_Yans Wife]

I am pleased they sought treatment and were so helped by it.

But, I do believe that there are many parents who refuse to parent and then run to the doctor.

Not only does this harm their children's wellbeing, but it also seems evidence of a lack of respect for their children.

[Dianna]

I hope no one here misconstrued my statements as meaning ADD/ADHD doesn't exist. I know what it's like to have a truly perplexing child. I do, however, happen to know a few really lax parents with unruly children who insist the children must have a disorder.

We haven't had to deal with fights. Mostly, it's just harrassment and a couple of extortion attempts. We spent many years, pulling our hair out, trying to change him. It was futile (and expensive). I'm still working on total acceptance, but we have progressed to working more on helping him understand us, rather than trying to demand he BE like us.

[Dianna]

My ex-wife was very, very depressed for years and finally got medical treatment for ADD.

It makes a lot of sense to me that a parent with depression (for whatever reason) or severe anxiety is going to have a hard time parenting well. It just takes so much energy! It makes more sense to treat the parent than a child who is clearly reacting to the parent.

[Capriole]

I think you are being a bit unfair here. Why is it difficult to believe that some children might have something wrong with their brains as other children have something wrong with their livers, or kidneys, or eyes?

I have a fine son, nearly ten. He is intelligent, imaginative, creative, and beautifully behaved; I'm often complimented on his gentlemanly manners and deportment. He is certainly not hyperactive. But he cannot focus and remember anything for more than a second or two. You can try any teaching method you like--God knows we have tried everything!--but to save his life he cannot remember what 2 + 5 is. He will be ten in two months and has no more math skills than he had in first grade, yet he can memorize the entire script of a movie upon hearing it one time. Teachers, tutors, his mother, and his math-professional father have struggled with him. He can't write forward, from left to right, in a legible fashion, and can only do mirror-writing. He will ask a question and can't recall the answer five seconds later, yet he can tell you about all the troop movements at Gettysburg, for three days, in three dimensions. He has some real hemispheric wiring problems.

This is a child who is very frustrated, very unhappy, filled with sorrow and embarrassment because of his memory problems. And these problems are very typical for kids with ADD. Will medication help? I don't know; we just started him on it the other day as an act of desperation, after everything else had failed. I pray it will work.

Whether it works or not, however, I profoundly resent the clear statements by people on this thread that this boy's father and I are giving him medication because we are lazy, or don't want to discipline him, or are after SSI payments, or are psychologically unwell ourselves, or have some fundamentally selfish goal. We are doing it because no teaching method anyone has been able to devise has helped him learn. We allowed him to be identified as an ADD child because as such he receives some extra tutoring and access to some special programs. Will this scar him or cause his teachers to be prejudiced against him? Not, I'm sure, any more than the unbroken string of Fs on his report cards.

[non-anonymous]

I can identify with everything you said.

My experience as an ADD kid (although I was only diagnosed very recently) was that my father provided a strong family environment with structure and discipline, and that's what enabled me to thrive. It has only been since he died (during my 2nd year at MIT) that my ADD symptoms have gotten so unmanageable as to be paralyzing at times. I've considered explanations such as depression and prolonged grief, but I have concluded that it is mostly the lack of his presence as a stabilizing force in my life.

In retrospect, I strongly suspect he had ADD as well, in which case he had obviously found ways to overcome it. As such, I have to believe that any adult learning to deal with his own ADD would be a great benefit to his ADD kids. Who better to appreciate the challenges?

[FITZ]

I have come to see it as a blessing as well as a curse.

Another name for it is multitasking. Some people have the ability to focus on one thing at a time, in fact that might be all they can do is focus on one thing at a time, their kids have no problem sitting with hands folded following the teacher's every word, they don't day dream, they don't look out the window, they don't care what the kid behind them is telling them, or what the fly on the wall is doing, or wondering what they will do after school, or paying attention to what the kids in the back of the room are doing.

[FITZ]

I believe there can be a genuine problem --- a true inability to focus --- but parents have to be careful. Sometimes the kid is concentrating but on too many things at the same time --- they don't pay attention because they are bored or so caught up with their day dreaming. They can learn --- and are learning --- but it doesnt' always appear that way.

[drjimmy]

Why is it difficult to believe that some children might have something wrong with their brains as other children have something wrong with their livers, or kidneys, or eyes?
My thought on this is that some people are afraid because if this stuff (ADHD, etc.) is real, it means it could actually happen to them or their kid. They would rather place the blame for those who do experience these things on bad parenting, safe in the knowledge that because they themselves are such good parents they never have to worry about it.

I wish you the best of luck with your son. I know full well about the recitation of movie dialogue! My 8th grader has tried a number of medications over the years, and now appears to have a combination that helps him get through the day reasonably well. But each day does bring new challenges.

[Pan_Yans Wife]

Capriole... if you read through my posts on this thread, you will see that I advocate for people who do have mental defects or illness to seek medical treatment. I do not say that all medicine and science are bad, or that all parents are awful.

I do believe though, that there are instances where parents have given up working with their children and only seek medication, like the situation will be resolved, and this harms the child greatly. I was speaking about selfish parents.

I believe you are not one of those parents.

[twigs]

they want the child to be seen as deserving "special" attention, due to a mental problem?

Funding in the public schools are set up around identification of problems. These "problems" have tests and definitions and if children fit within these definitions, they become eligible for funded special assistance. That's the primary reason parents clammer for their children to get these labels. This didn't start until new expensive programs became available.

[ladylib]

I think we all should take drugs and see psychiatrists.

[Pan_Yans Wife]

I agree with you completely.

[texpat72]

I wonder how many people with "ADD" children have first tried something as simple as taking their children off of sugar, before trying Ritalin? My children literally bounce off the walls if they've had sugar. Simple solution, no drugs needed.

[kittymyrib]

No child needs sugar...and especially not the ten teaspoons contained in one can of soft drink. Take your child off all sugar and subsitute fresh fruit and you will be amazed at the changes you will see.

[Ann Archy]

It sounds like you have a GIFTED child who is a genius....channel him to the things that interest him like Gettysburg. Some kids are great with math and don t have a CLUE what Gettysburg is or could care less.

Have you seen that little girl that knows all the Presidents...of OTHER countrys...all the Governors...the Preamble...etc. My guess is that she may not know how to add 2+2 but she has a gift from God.

[org.whodat]

look did anyone say anything about your son? the answer no. There are a great deal of people who claim this to get their kid on ssi, I have read about many of them and I know a couple. Don't take everything you read as it were addressed to you personally.