Posted on 10/23/2020 8:07:22 AM PDT by Colonial35
A Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in Jacksonville. He tells the priest, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I beat the hell out of an Obama supporter.” The priest says, “My son, I’m here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service.”
In before Ten!....................
Doctor’s Exam
A Muslim immigrant goes to a Doctor in Houston, Texas and says “I feel terrible”.
The Doctor examines him and then says “You need to pee and crap in a bucket for a week,
throw in a dead fish and a rotting cabbage. Put a towel over your head hold your face
over the bucket and inhale the vapors for 3 days”.
The man does this and goes back to the Doctor and says “I feel wonderful!!
What was wrong with me?”
“You were homesick”.
Woohoo!!
A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, “Thank you
Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps,
free medical care, and a free education!”
The passerby says, “You are mistaken, I am a Mexican.”
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. “Thank you for having such a
beautiful country here in America.”
The person says, “I not American, I Vietnamese.”
The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand,
and says, “Thank you for wonderful America !
That person puts up his hand and says, “I am from Middle East. I am not American.”
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, “Are you an American?”
She says, “No, I am from Africa.”
Puzzled, he asks her, “Where are all the Americans?”
The African lady checks her watch and says, “Probably at work.”
A man being audited is sitting in an IRS agent’s office. The agent says,
“I see you own a sandwich shop in New York City?”
“That’s right,” the man replies.
The agent continues, “And you’re declaring $120,000 income?”
“Yes, sir,” the man says, “Is there a problem with that?”
“No,” the agent answers. “But I do have a question about a certain deduction.
It says here you want to deduct a trip to Tahiti as a business expense.”
“Ah,” the man says. “Did I mention we deliver EVERYWHERE?”
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop.
He thinks that he is much smarter than any cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON,
and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the cop’s expense!
Irish cop says, “License and registration, please.”
London Lawyer says, “What for?”
Irish cop says, “Ye didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”
London Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”
Irish cop says, “Ye still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration,
please, sir.”
London Lawyer says, “What’s the bloody difference?”
Irish cop says, “The difference is, the sign says stop, not slow down, so, ye have
come to a complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”
London Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop,
I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket.
If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”
Irish cop says, “Sounds fair enough, please exit your vehicle, sir.”
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living sh*t out of the
lawyer and says, “Now, ye English arsehole, do ye want me to stop, completely, or just
slow down?”
JEWISH MOTHER
The year is 2024 and the United States has elected the first
woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldfarb. She calls up
her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, “So, Mom, I
assume you’ll be coming to my inauguration?”
“I don’t think so. It’s a ten hour drive, your father
isn’t as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.”
“Don’t worry about it Mom, I’ll send Air Force One to pick
you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up
at your door.”
“I don’t know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth
would I wear?”
Susan replies, “I’ll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by
the best designer in New York.”
“Honey,” Mom complains, “you know I can’t eat those rich
foods you and your friends like to eat.”
The President-to-be responds, “Don’t worry Mom. The entire
affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher
all the way. Mom, I really want you to come.”
So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2025,
Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States. In
the front row sits the new President’s mother, who leans over to a
senator sitting next to her and says, “You see that woman over there
with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States??”
The Senator whispers back, “Yes, I do.”
Mom says proudly, “Her brother is a doctor.”
When our lawn mower broke my wife kept nagging me to get it fixed. But, I always had
something else to take care of. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
I found her seated in the tall, unmowed grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair
of scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said,
“When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
LOL!
Will I Live to see 80?
Here’s something to think about.
I recently picked a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing ‘fairly well’
for my age. (I just turned “seventy- ish “).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him,
Do you think I’ll live to be 80?
He asked, Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?
Oh no, I replied. I’m not doing drugs, either!
Then he asked, ‘Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
I said, Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!
Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?
No, I don’t, I said.
He asked, Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots of sex?
No, I said.
He looked at me and said, Then, why do you even give a $h!t?
crap
Bear: Do you have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?
Rabbit: Not at all!
.
The bear then grabs the rabbit and uses it to wipe his butt.
Q: In an apartment building in London, Ahmed lives on the first floor,
Mustafa on the second floor and Harry on the third floor.
The building explodes – who lives?
A: Harry of course – he was at work.
Q: What do you call a building full of Taliban?
A: Jail
Q: Why aren’t there any Walmarts in Afghanistan?
A: Because there is a target on every corner.
Q: What is the most popular kids show in the Middle East?
A: Dora the Exploder!
Q: What do you call a Muslim stripper?
A: Youseen Memuff
Q: How do Muslims practice safe sex?
A: They mark the camels that kick.
Q: What do you call a building full of Taliban?
A: Jail
BOOB IM ICON
Perfect Boobs (o)(o)
Fake Boobs ( + )( + )
Perky Boobs (*)(*)
Big Nipple Boobs (@)(@)
A Cups o o
Wonder Bra Boobs (oYo)
Lopsided Boobs (o)(O)
Grandma Boobs \ o /\ o /
Just Boobs BIDEN HARRIS
Brilliant! :-)
My first drink with my son. I was reading an article last night about fathers and
sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn’t like it – so I had it.
Then I got him a Harp Lager, he didn’t like it, so I had it.
It was the same with the 1664 Lager, Murphy’s Irish Red and Premium Dry Cider.
By the time we got down to the whisky,
I could hardly push the stroller back home.
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, ‘I’ve got some bad news.
You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.’
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting
room where her daughter had been waiting.
‘Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when
things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well. I have cancer.
So, let’s head to the club and have a martini.’
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber.
There were some laughs and more martinis.
They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old friends,
who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, ‘I’ve been diagnosed
with AIDS.’ The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences
and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered,
‘Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your
friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?’
‘Because I don’t want any of those b!tches sleeping with your father after I’m gone.’
And THAT, my friends, is what is called, ‘Putting Your Affairs In Order.’
I laughed!
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