Posted on 04/24/2020 6:38:11 AM PDT by Colonial35
A Teamsters boss goes to a convention in Las Vegas for a few days.One night he goes out to a brothel. Like a good union man, he asks the madam if it's a union shop."No", she says. He says "Well, If I were to give you $100 how would you split it?"The madam says "The girl would get $20 and the house gets $80". "Pahh! " he says, and walks off to find another brothel.He asks the next madam "Are you a union shop?" "Oh, yes!" was the reply. He says "Well, If I were to give you $100 how would you split it?" The madam says "The girl would get $80 and the house gets $20". That's more to his liking, so he gives her $100 and says "I'd like that pretty young blond girl right there", pointing to his choice. The madam puts the money in her pocket, points to an 85-year old woman, and says to him: "I'm sure you would, but Ethel here has seniority."
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him.
He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me,
so you must be on the 6th hole.” He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request.
She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.” Once again he thanked her.
He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.”
He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also.
He asked what she sold. She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.”
“No, I wouldn’t,” he said.
She said, “I sell tampons.”
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.”
“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”
A Woman goes to the pet store, sees a parrot for sale, only 50 bucks. “That’s a great price for a parrot, what’s wrong with it”? she asks.
The salesperson says “That Parrot used to work in the downtown brothel that was just shut down, and it’s got quite a vocabulary”.
The woman feels sorry for the poor bird, so she buys it and takes it home.
As soon as she sets it up in the living room, the parrot speaks “New Home, New Madam”.
The woman is offended, but remembering the bird’s background decides she can live with it.
The woman’s twin teenage daughters walk in after school. The woman says “come see the new Parrot”!
When they walk into the room, the Parrot chirps “New Home, New Madam, and New Hookers!”.
The girls gasp, but the mother explains the situation and they have a good laugh.
A little later, the Father comes home from work. The woman yells for him to come to the living room to see what she got.
The father walks into the room, and that Parrot chimes “Hi Harry, how you been”.
All cats are grey in the night - Benjamin Franklin.
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that
I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care
of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a
short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When
I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
“When you finish cutting the grass,” I said, “you might as well sweep the sidewalk.”
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
A young guy from North Carolina moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says “Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Carolina.”
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he’d give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
“You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
“How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, “One”. The boss says “Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.
That will have to change, and soon, if you’d like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Carolina, but you’re not in the mountains anymore, son.”
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), “So, how much was your one sale for?”
The kid looks up at his boss and says “$101,237.65”.
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?”
The kid says, “Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.”
The boss said “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?”
The kid said “No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, “Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing”.
One’s really heavy. The other one’s a little lighter.
“I was on a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8 for seniors only.
A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.
He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.
As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, “If you don’t let me unlock the door, you’ll never get in”
These were the days of full-service filling stations, and at each stop he made a habit of talking with and getting to know some of the people at the station. At one station in particular, the kid pumping gas was fascinated by Palmer's Cadillac - he had never seen one up close before. Palmer patiently answered his questions as he explained many of the luxurious features of the car.
When the fill-up was done and it was time to pay, Palmer handed over the necessary bills and then dug around in his pocket for some change. When his hand came out it also contained a couple golf tees.
The kid had never seen a golf tee before, and he asked what it was. Palmer answered "It's called a tee; they hold your balls when you drive".
The kid replied "Wow, Mr. Palmer, those Cadillac people think of everything!"
A mother is driving a little girl to her friend’s house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?”
“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother replied. “It’s not polite.” “OK,” the little girl says,
“how much do you weigh?” “Now really,” the mother says, “those are personal questions and are really none of your business.”
Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?” “That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!”
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. “My Mom won’t tell me anything about her,”
the little girl says to her friend. “Well,” says the friend, “all you need to do is look at her drivers’ license It is like a report card,
it has everything on it.” Later that night the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are, you are 32.”
The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out? “I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.”
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. “How in heaven’s name did you find that out?”
“And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.” “Oh really?” the mother asks. “Why?”
“Because you got an F in sex.”
When the Hunchback retired, Notre Dame advertises for a new bell ringer. After several promising candidate’s a boy with no arms walks up the tower and says he’s ready to work. The Chaplin looks at him and says you have no arms son you can’t possibly ring the bell. The boy says that nobody ever gives him a chance and starts to walk away and the Chaplin says ok son give it a try. He looks around and see’s an old barrel and a wooden plank and with his feet and body manage to set up a ramp. Then he takes a run up the ramp leaps into the air and smacks the bell with his face, DONG goes the bell. The Chaplin with mouth agape says that was amazing but at noon he has to ring the bell 12 times. The boy gets up and runs and leaps DONG runs and leaps DONG runs and totally dazed misses the bell and flies out the window of the tower onto the ground below. By the time the Chaplin runs out of the bell tower to the boy a large crowd has gathered and so has the constable. The Chaplin knells down next to the boy and says my lad I never should have let you try. The constable says to the Chaplin do you know the boy, and the Chaplin says no but his face rings a bell.
A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference,
pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.
The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. “This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy.
I’m not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch.” The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge,
pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar.
“This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won’t pay for this, and I insist on, a good, 12-year-old scotch.”
The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch.
An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker
and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, “What do you think of this?”
The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling “Why, this tastes like pee,”
The old drunk replies, “That’s right, now tell me how old I am.”
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,
Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.Edna promptly jumped in to save him.
She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, “Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you’re being discharged;
since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient,
I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.
I am so sorry, but he’s dead.
Edna replied, “He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?
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