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Mayor Declares Chicago Crime-Free Zone, Criminals Disperse
Babylon Bee ^ | January 4, 2018 | Babylon Bee

Posted on 01/07/2018 10:12:35 AM PST by Parody

CHICAGO, IL—Immediately upon Mayor Rahm Emanuel’s recent declaration of the entire city of Chicago as an official “crime-free zone,” every criminal in the city suddenly and miraculously left the urban area, according to a statement released by the city council.

“We declare every part of the city of Chicago a crime-free zone,” Emanuel announced in a Thursday appearance on CBS This Morning. “It is now physically impossible for any crime to be committed in our great city, because we declared it a zone of peace and harmony and criminals have no choice but to abide by our new rule.”

Emanuel claimed he didn’t want to resort to such extreme legislative measures, but as the crime situation in Chicago didn’t seem to be getting any better, his hand was forced.

“I finally decided to use the strongest weapon at our disposal: declaring things illegal,” he said.

Stunned onlookers claim the second the legislation banning any criminals from the city was signed into law, dangerous gangsters, conniving drug dealers, and thieving hooligans fled the city on foot, as though compelled by some kind of strange, alien force.

“Witness the awesome power of declaring things to be banned and watching them instantly disappear into nothingness!” Emanuel said.

At publishing time, Governor Jerry Brown had taken a page from Emanuel’s book, declaring Hollywood a “perversion-free” zone and immediately ending all ongoing sex scandals in the city.


TOPICS: Humor; Local News; Religion; Society
KEYWORDS: chicago; crime; humannature; rahmemanuel; satire
If what leftists believed about human nature were true, this article wouldn't be satirical.
1 posted on 01/07/2018 10:12:35 AM PST by Parody
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To: Parody

Did he exempt city hall?


2 posted on 01/07/2018 10:28:26 AM PST by MGG
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To: Parody

Pretty stupid piece even for “satire”.


3 posted on 01/07/2018 10:58:17 AM PST by Bullish (Whatever it takes to MAGA)
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To: Parody

The emperor has no clothes.


4 posted on 01/07/2018 11:36:30 AM PST by SkyDancer ( ~ Just Consider Me A Random Fact Generator ~)
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To: Parody
The Babylon Bee is Your Trusted Source For Christian News Satire.
5 posted on 01/07/2018 11:47:41 AM PST by stylin19a (Best.Election.of.All-Times.Ever.In.The.History.Of.Ever)
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To: Parody

In addition to declaring drug-free and gun-free zones.


6 posted on 01/07/2018 1:24:38 PM PST by ViLaLuz (2 Chronicles 7:14)
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To: Parody

You simply can’t make this up


7 posted on 01/07/2018 2:08:16 PM PST by Lee25
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