Posted on 12/01/2017 6:23:32 AM PST by sodpoodle
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of us do. . . here are some of his gems:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back. 3 - Half the people you know are below average. 4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain. 9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand. 10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met. 12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark? 13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? 14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. 18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now. 19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good. 20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." 24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name. 25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. 29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. 32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. 33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film. 34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. And the all-time favorite - 35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Some of the humor is lost in the writing. He has the most deadpan delivery style that it’s possible to have which really enhances the brilliance of his jokes. One of the best comedians ever and clean too.
bfl
Saw this guy on the Tonight Show with Carson years ago. Never laughed harder in my life.
That guy (Mitch Hedberg)who used to do the Jimmy John's commercials was really funny too, but was just stealing Wright's shtick. Shame he died from stupid things.
I’m up and down on him, but I do like some of his stuff! His deadpan delivery is definitely his trademark...:)
It’s a small world, but if you had to paint it...
Really?
Are you sure you're not just saying that?
Just to be clear, it was Hedberg who died. Steven Wright is still living.
Reminds me of Jackie Vernon, I think his name was!
Fat guy, deadpan look........especially his routine bout working in the gerkin factory jerking bad gerkins off the line....long ago...........
;)
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
another favorite: my friend married a trophy wife.....she’s obviously not first place
I parked my car in a Tow Away zone. When I came back, the entire area was gone.
I bought a dog the other day. I named him Stay. It’s fun to call him. “Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!” He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
I once had an East German Shepard.
I first saw Steven Wright in 1980 when he was the third guy up in an night of 5 comedians at the Ding Ho comedy club in Cambridge MA. Steve was 19 at the time and grew up in a suburb of Boston. He is so different from other comedians. We thought he was hilarious. If you get a chance, go see him live...
“You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.”
Yes, I used to love his humor - hadn’t thought about him in years. Current comedians might note that he didn’t have to be vulgar to be very funny.
Love him so much. My favorite (paraphrased) - I once went to a convenience store and the sign said “Open 24 Hours,” but the manager was outside locking the door. I said to him, “your sign says ‘Open 24 Hours.’” He said, “not in a row.”
Erwin Corey...
IIRC?
Sounds familiar.
Talk about dead pan comedians......
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