Posted on 08/16/2017 8:17:08 AM PDT by sodpoodle
Subject: Re: Never lie to a Rabbi
At Friday night services, Morris went to his friend Irving and said, "Irving, I need a favor - I'm sleeping with the rabbi's wife. Can you hold him in temple for an hour after services for me?"
Irving not very fond of the idea, but being Morris' lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed.
After services, he struck up a conversation with the rabbi asking him all sorts of stupid questions in an effort to keep him occupied.
After some time, the wise rabbi became suspicious and asked, "Irving what are you really up to with all this?"
Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse, confessed to the rabbi "I'm sorry Rabbi, my friend Morris is sleeping with your wife right now and asked me to keep you occupied."
The wise rabbi smiled and, putting a brotherly hand on Irving's shoulder, said "Irving I think you'd better hurry home—my wife died two years ago!"
Artery = The study of paintings
Bacteria = Back door to cafeteria
Barium = What doctors do when patients die
Benign = What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section = A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan = Searching for Kitty
Cauterize = Made eye contact with her
Colic = A sheep dog
Coma = A punctuation mark
Dilate = To live long
Enema = Not a friend
Fester = Quicker than someone else
Fibula = A small lie
Impotent = Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain = Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff = A Doctor's cane
Morbid = A higher offer
Nitrates = Rates of Pay for Working at Night, Normally more money than Days
Node = I knew it
Outpatient = A person who has fainted
Pelvis = Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative = A letter carrier
Recovery Room = Place to do upholstery
Rectum =Nearly killed him
Secretion = Hiding something
Seizure = Roman Emperor
Tablet = A small table
Terminal Illness = Getting sick at the airport
Tumor = One plus one more
Urine = Opposite of you're out
A man from New York decided to write a book about churches around the country.
He started by flying to San Francisco and continued working east. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read: ‘ Calls to God: $1000.00 a minute.’
Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is in fact, a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk to God.
The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.
As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Denver, St. Louis, Chicago, Milwaukee, and on around the United States he found more phones, with the same sign and the same answer from each pastor.
Finally, he arrived in Alabama and upon entering a church there, he saw the usual golden telephone. But here the sign read, ‘ Calls to God: 35 cents.’
Curious, he asked to talk to the pastor. “Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven to talk to God. But in the other churches the cost was $1000.00 a minute. Your sign reads only ‘ 35 cents a call.’ Why is your rate so low?”
The pastor, smiling benignly replied, “Son, you’re in the south now. You’re in God’s country, it’s a local call.”
American by birth.
A Southerner by the Grace of God.
These are great! Thanks..
For some real “old school” ethnic humor, look for the online .pdf of “Foreigners Around The World” by American humorist P.J. O’Rourke, who in 1976 wrote the feature for National Lampoon (The Adult Humor Magazine).
While he was under anesthesia, a young woman came in, delivered an illegitimate baby, and unfortunately died.
Well naturally the doctors didn't know what to do with this baby. So they just told the priest that it was what they removed from his abdomen.
? ? ?
The priest took this remarkably well. He shrugged, and that was about it.
? ? ?
He took the child home--it was a little boy--and raised him as his son.
- - -
Years later, the old priest was dying. He called the young man to his bedside and said this to him:
"I have a confession to make:
"You know I have always told you that I'm your father.
" But that isn't true.
"The truth is:
"I'm your mother.
"The Bishop's your father."
bkmk
That was awesome! :)
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