I beg to differ, cowboy.
Posted on 08/12/2017 1:53:14 PM PDT by sodpoodle
The Jewish Elbow…
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her
grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartments.
I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door.
With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in.
Come inside and the elevator is on the right.
Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor.
When you get out, I'm on the left.
With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but,
why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........
"What . ... . ..... .. You're coming empty handed?"
______________________________ ______________
Wise Italian Grandfather
An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying.
He calls his grandson to his bedside,
"Guido, I wan' you lissina me.
I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated
...38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns..
How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy!
Somma day you gonna be runna da business,
you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money,
a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe
finda you wife inna bed with another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then?
Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?
______________________________ ____________________
Irish Blonde...
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino.
She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand
dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind,
but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
with that, she stripped from the neck down,
rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled,
"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped
up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!"
She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings
and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching.."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,
..... but all men...are men!
At any given moment:
FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.
You hang in there, sunshine!
I beg to differ, cowboy.
MONDAY
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
“Oh Mom! You don’t have to worry about that! I’m dating Susan!”
_______________________________________________________________________
TUESDAY
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher’s hand. He said, “Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!”
The preacher said, “Thank you sir, but I’d rather you didn’t use profanity.”
The man said, “I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!”
The preacher said, “No shit?”
_____________________________________________________________________
WEDNESDAY
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.”
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table
“Gee, Mom,” he exclaimed, “for me?”
“Just take two,” Brenda replied. “The rest are for your father”
________________________________________________________________________
THURSDAY
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her
92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.
“Your Honor,” she began coolly, “I figured that at 92, if he could screw,
he could fly.”
__________________________________________________________________________
FRIDAY
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa …
“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that’s the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”
__________________________________________________________________________
SATURDAY
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At their very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?” Bob replied, “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!”
They’re knocked over, but continue to ask: “So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?” “I lied about my age,” Bob replied. “What? Did you tell her you were only 50?”
Bob smiled and said, “No, I told her I was 90.”
________________________________________________________________________
SUNDAY
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland .As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
“These,” she explained, “are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.” She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?”
A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!”
FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now inspired to get my paints, brushes & canvas out of storage.
God bless;)
Very excellent. We really need a little laughter during these trying times;)
So the bride goes back upstairs at which time she finds out her new husband is missing two toes on his left foot. She panics and goes running downstairs again to say: "momma, he gotta foot anna half." This time the mother says: "honey you stay here a few minutes, I'll take care of this!"
h/t Vicki for these...
A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
“Mom,” said the boy, “what are all those women doing?”
“They’re waiting for their husbands to get off work,” she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says, “Geez lady, why don’t you tell him the truth? They’re hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money.”
The little boy’s eyes get wide and he says, “Is that true Mom?”
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers “Yes.”
After a few minutes the kid asks, “Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?”
She said, “Most of them become taxi drivers.”
A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next check-up, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.
“Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?”
“Yes, they help me sleep at night.”
“Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep.
She reached out and patted the young doctor’s knee and said, “Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night.”
You gotta love Grandmas!
A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn’t take it so she said, “Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I’ll have to give it to this nice man next to us.”
Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, “Come on, honey. Take it or I’ll give it to this nice man here.”
A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, “Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!”
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, ‘Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it’s high enough off the ground where the cat can’t get it.
He got an A.
Simply fantastic! Loved it!
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