Posted on 09/17/2015 7:55:02 PM PDT by Daniel Clark
The College Football Czar: Week 3
Week two in review: You knew that when the AP put ten SEC teams in the Top 25, it was setting the league up for a fall. Three of those teams (Arkansas, Tennessee and Mississippi State) have fallen out of this week’s rankings, and Auburn has plummeted to #18 after barely surviving a challenge from Division I-AA Jacksonville State. The Czar, for one, did not think that highly of MSU before the season, nor during their opener against Southern Miss, but now thinks they’re actually more worthy of a ranking after a competitive loss to LSU.
April Goss of Kent State became the second female player ever to score in a major college football game, the first being Katie Hnida of New Mexico. This is cause for celebration, if you happen to be a football-hating liberal dingbat. The Golden Flashes were beating up on I-AA Delaware State 28-6 when Goss was sent in to try an extra point. Her kick – much like the one that Hnida had blocked in the 2002 Las Vegas Bowl – was a weak floater that looked as if it had been tossed toward the goal post with a snow shovel. It was good, however, as it eked over the crossbar and inside the right goal post. Her teammates triumphantly carried her off the field, which is normally a pretty silly thing to do after an extra point, but in her case it was a tremendous accomplishment, which is one of the reasons she shouldn’t have been on the field in the first place.
The sports world is supposed to be a meritocracy, but even a very accurate female kicker is not going to have the kind of range that would qualify her to be on a Division I-A college football roster. The only reason you ever see one is because the coach has decided to stop being a football coach, and start being a diversity-mongering human bean counter.
Furthermore, football is a violent sport, and there are levels of violence that are acceptable toward men that are not acceptable toward women. Some people talk as if the kicker were something apart from the rest of the game, when in reality he’s just another player on the field. What if Goss’ kick had been blocked, and it bounced right back to her? The defenders’ only two choices would be to: (a) back off and letting her recover the ball; or (b) squash her. Neither result would be good for the game. If you didn’t already know how illogical feminism is, this would be ample proof. Feminists are the ones encouraging young women to go out and get stomped by a bunch of 300-lb galoots, while those of us who don’t want that to happen are considered sexist.
The College Football Czar went 14-5 last week, but he expects the picks to start getting a lot tougher very soon. For the season, his record stands at 30-10, for a .750 winning percentage.
Sept. 18
Florida State at Boston College
The Czar can hear the Everett Golson chorus already. “He’s just a winner, that’s all. It may not be pretty, but he just knows how to win.” That’s what we heard about him at Notre Dame, until he no longer had the notion’s second-best defense to carry his team. In his debut with the Seminoles, Golson wasn’t great, but he didn’t turn the ball over. Fighting Irish fans would have been content with results like that a year ago.
BC could stand for “being cowardly” after beating up on two lower-division teams to start the season, defeating Maine 24-3, and Howard 76-0. Whatever they’ve got against Howard is anybody’s guess. Perhaps he borrowed their hedge clippers and never returned them. Just in case anyone doubts that these games against Division I-AA teams are fraudulent, this one got so out of hand that both teams agreed to shorten the third and fourth quarters to ten minutes each. That doesn’t happen in a real college football game, no matter how lopsided the score.
Going back to last year, the Eagles have lost three of their last four against genuine competition, with the only win coming against Syracuse. They gave FSU a good game last November, before falling 20-17. That was with Tyler Murphy at quarterback, however. Sophomore Darius Wade now gets the first legitimate start of his career, against the defending ACC champions.
Yup, if Golson hadn’t played such a clean game, it would have shocked the fans in Tallahassee, who aren’t used to seeing a lot of turnovers from their quarterback.
… Hey, wait a minute …
Florida State 17, Boston College 7
Sept. 19
Pitt at Iowa
Last season, the Panthers knocked starting quarterback Jake Rudock out of the game, and then put no pressure on backup C.J. Beathard, who rallied the Hawkeyes to a 24-20 victory. Rudock is now at Michigan, and Beathard is the full-time starter. He won’t be facing the same passive Pitt defense, though, with new coach Pat Narduzzi on the job.
Tennessee graduate transfer Nate Peterman appears to have wrestled the Panthers’ starting QB job from Chad Vojtik. It’s a bad break for Vojtik, who really did nothing to lose his spot, but other personnel developments have necessitated the change. Vojtik’s quick decision-making was being counted on to run a small-ball scheme that would have featured lots of passes to RB James Conner, who is out for the season with a knee injury. That leaves WR Tyler Boyd as the dominant force of the offense, and Peterman, a better vertical passer, as the logical choice at quarterback.
The Hawkeyes downed rival Iowa State 31-17, to recapture the Cy-Hawk Trophy. That may not sound significant, but the Hawks had been cut down to Cys in three of the previous four meetings.
The University of Iowa does not have a hockey program, but if it decides to start one, the College Football Czar proposes they use the slogan, “Hawkeye hockey, mecca hiney ho!”
No charge.
Pitt 22, Iowa 19
Rutgers at Penn State
“Rutgers” sounds like the name of an unpleasant substance, so the Czar will keep these picks PG-rated by simply saying the Scarlet Knights are in deep Rutgers after another long week of adverse off-the-field news. Coach Kyle Flood has been suspended for three games for illegally contacting a professor in an apparent attempt to fix a player’s grades. Meanwhile, star wide receiver Leonte Carroo has been suspended indefinitely while a domestic violence charge against him is being investigated.
RU’s on-the-field news is not much better. Last week against Washington State, the Knights yielded a last-minute, 90-yard touchdown drive, and lost 37-34. In truth, the only reason they were even in the game was that earlier in the fourth quarter, Janarion Grant scored two touchdowns on kick returns.
Christian Hackenberg did not throw any interceptions in the Nittany Lions’ 27-14 win over Buffalo, nor was he sacked a single time. Nevertheless, his 14-for-27, 128-yard performance was hardly inspiring.
The Czar was surprised to learn that freshman PSU kicker Joey Julius is no relation to Orange Julius. Then again, if he’d been from that same family, his name would be Pear Julius, not Joey.
Penn State 7, Rutgers 0
Ole Miss at Alabama
The Rebels handed Bama its only regular season loss of 2014, in a highly entertaining but poorly played game, 23-17. The Crimson Tide fumbled a fourth-quarter kickoff return to set up the decisive score.
The Tide turned away Middle Tennessee 37-10, on the strength of three touchdowns by running back Derrick Henry. QB Jake Coker hit the spot on 15 of 26 passes for 214 yards, all in the first half. Yes, the Czar knows that Pepsi-Cola is the one that “hits the spot,” not Coke. So who are you, the beverage police?
The Rebs racked up 76 points against I-AA Tennessee-Martin, and then 73 against a dismal Fresno State team. Next month, they take on New Mexico State before daring to travel to Memphis to finish their nonconference schedule. Their conference schedule can’t help but look a lot tougher by comparison, a fact that is easily turned around to argue that the SEC is so tough that it justifies not scheduling any big nonconference games.
Because the Colonel Rebel mascot was deemed offensive, Mississippi’s sensitive and therefore nonsensical mascot is now a bear. The Alabama Crimson Tide Elephant thinks that’s stupid.
Alabama 28, Ole Miss 13
Georgia Tech at Notre Dame
If the Fighting Irish are going to wake up the echoes, they’d better bring along the smelling salts. A week after starting tailback Tarean Folston went down with a season-ending injury, the golden domers lost promising QB Malik Zaire, also for the season. The latest offensive starter to be lost for the year is tight end Durham Smythe, who has just had surgery on both his right knee and his right shoulder.
Expect the Yellowjackets to sting the Irish defense by throwing out of the wishbone formation at opportune moments. In last week’s 65-10 trouncing of Tulane, they scored three touchdowns through the air, while tallying 132 yards on eight completions. The Czar believes the rigid ND run defense will cause Tech QB Justin Thomas to exceed his career high of 11 completions in a game.
If Irish fans thought they would never encounter a program as arrogant as their own, they might want to take another look at these visitors from Atlanta. I mean, the Yellowjackets? Here they are in college, and already presuming to dress like NFL Hall of Famers.
Georgia Tech 30, Notre Dame 21
Auburn at LSU
AU appeared to have fumbled away its last chance to avert a humiliating upset against I-AA Jacksonville State, when JSU refused to accept victory. One unsportsmanlike conduct penalty and one shanked punt later, and Gus Malzahn’s team was on its way to a 27-20 overtime escape.
Louisiana State won its belated opener against Mississippi State, 21-19, after having led 21-6 in the fourth quarter. They allowed MSU quarterback Dak Prescott to throw for 335 yards that night, but if that indicates a general vulnerability in their pass defense, this week’s opponent does not figure to take advantage.
The Bayou Bengals traditionally wear their white uniforms for all conference home games. Because their nonconference opener was canceled by lightning, their Week 5 game against Eastern Michigan will be the only one in which they wear their purple home jerseys. Anybody watching that day will probably think the different-colored duds are meant to “raise awareness” – of really dopey traditions, that is.
LSU 23, Auburn 13
Stanford at USC
Don’t be too quick to dismiss the Trojans’ early results. Sure, anyone might have beaten Idaho 59-9, but not many teams could duplicate SC’s opening 55-6 rout of Arkansas State. That same ASU team put up a scrap last week, in a 27-20 loss to Missouri.
Cardinal QB Kevin Hogan scorched Central Florida for 341 passing yards and three TDs in last week’s 31-7 victory, but that does nothing to alleviate concerns about his team’s running game, which gained just over three yards per carry. The Czar is very surprised that coach David Shaw has not addressed this deficiency, which kept them out of the Pac 12 title race last season, and caused them to be stopped cold by Northwestern in this season’s opener.
When Southern Cal coach Steve Sarkisian threw his own, one-man, drunken, stupid pep rally a few weeks ago, he made a point of insulting Arizona State, Oregon and Notre Dame (They “schlthuck!” according to the coach). But he had nothing to say about the Cardinal, which actually shows that they’re among the teams he doesn’t consider to be threatening. If the players from Palo Alto want to use that as bulletin board material, what do they do, tack up a blank sheet of paper?
USC 42, Stanford 17
Nebraska at Miami
After opening the season with back-to-back home games, first-year Cornhusker coach Mike Riley is 1-1. Anyone who expected anything different hasn’t paid much attention to the rest of his career.
Almost exactly a year ago, the N-men staved off the Canes, 41-31 in Lincoln. RB Merely an Abdullah, since departed, carried them that day, but his replacement, the aptly named Terrell Newby, looks capable of doing the same. Last week, Newby romped for 198 yards and two TDs in a 48-9 blowout of South Alabama.
The U has lost its last four games against so-called “Power 5” opponents, which refers to teams from what used to be “BCS-AQ” conferences, when there was still a BCS. The Czar is aware that the BCS was terribly unpopular, but he hadn’t realized that it even had its own terrorist network.
Nebraska 44, Miami 28
Texas Tech at Arkansas
The College Football Czar hasn’t lost many games so far, but when he has, he’s been thorough about it. Last week, he predicted that the Red Raiders would lost to UTEP by one point, which means that he was only off by 50 points.
The Razorbacks, one of the few SEC teams with a good, experienced quarterback returning, seemed an unlikely candidate to suffer a major upset due to an offensive power outage. Nevertheless, they were toppled by Toledo, 16-12 in Little Rock. A week earlier, they had defeated UTEP by 35. Evidently, that’s not so great a result after all.
Last season, the Hogs ran roughshod over Tech, 49-28, with 438 yards and seven touchdowns on the ground. The Raiders’ run defense does not seem to have improved since then.
Come to think of it, why were a bunch of big pigs running around shod, anyway? Do they get a thrill out of putting on people clothes? Perhaps they’re reverse Furries.
Arkansas 52, Texas Tech 42
Brigham Young at UCLA
New Cougar starting QB Tanner Mangum showed that he’s good for more than a desperation heave like the one he threw to beat Nebraska. In Week 2, the freshman threw for 309 yards to lead his team to a 35-24 victory over Boise State. In two games against very good competition, BYU has now outscored its opponents 30-0 in the fourth quarter.
The Bruins nearly shut out UNLV, but allowed a late field goal to make the final 37-3. Jim Mora’s decision to start freshman Josh Rosen at quarterback appears to have been a good one, after Jerry Neuheisel completed just 2 of 9 with two interceptions in mop-up duty.
Florida State coaching legend Bobby Bowden would not approve of Mangum, which is just like Dadgum, except that it’s not related. You shouldn’t take gum from strangers, you know.
UCLA 31, Brigham Young 23
Colorado vs. Colorado State
Once again, the Rams and Buffaloes collide in the most ferocious battle between hairy, horny critters since the days of the ancient Greeks and Romans. Last year, the CSU ground game took over in the second half of a 31-17 victory, on their way to a ten-win season.
The Buffs weren’t themselves in their opener at Hawaii, but they weren’t Steve Buscemi either, so it wasn’t all bad. Nevertheless, their 28-20 loss to the Rainbow Warriors was pretty ugly. They looked a lot better in beating Umass 48-14 at home, while rolling up 309 rushing yards.
The Rams tied Minnesota on a last-second, 37-yard field goal, but then failed to score in overtime, and lost 23-20. Starting QB Nick Stevens was benched during that game, giving way to 6-4 freshman Coleman Key, who proved to be a more proficient downfield threat, at least on that day.
For those looking to be offended, the Czar was only referring to the ancient Greeks and Romans, who are no longer around to have their feelings hurt. Heaven knows, modern-day Greeks and Romans are nothing like that at all.
Colorado State 25, Colorado 20
Florida at Kentucky
A year ago, the Gators prevailed 36-30 in triple-overtime, but only because they got away with snapping the ball well after the play clock expired. That wouldn’t have been so bad, if the SEC didn’t rub it in by telling the Wildcats that the incorrect call had been made correctly, or something like that.
UF hung on to win its Birmingham Bowl rematch against East Carolina, 31-24, after which coach Jim McElwain went into a tirade over his team’s “selfish” and “embarrassing” behavior. In particular, running back Kelvin Taylor got an unsportsmanlike penalty for making a famously illegal throat-slashing gesture after scoring a touchdown. That score widened the Gator lead to 31-17, but the field position the penalty gave up on the ensuing kickoff allowed the Pirates to get back in the game.
If Patrick Towles ever snapped, he would leave one nasty welt. At 6-5, 240 lbs., the junior UK quarterback is the biggest one they’ve had since the enormous Jared Lorenzen. Towles probably hopes that’s all they have in common, meaning that he won’t find himself playing minor-league arena football for the Northern Kentucky River Monsters a decade from now.
Towles says his nickname is “Patty Ice.” That’s got to be the most inappropriately weenie nickname in sports since heavyweight champion James Braddock was dubbed “Cinderella Man.” No wonder the poor guy felt the need to beat people up.
Kentucky 16, Florida 13
California at Texas
In 2014, the Golden Bears gave up at least 24 points in every game against a Division I-A opponent, three of which it allowed to score more than 50. In this year’s first meeting with a I-A team, they stifled San Diego State, 35-7.
Seldom is Heard a discouraging word in the home of the Rangers. That’s because Longhorn freshman QB Jarrod Heard tossed two TDs and rushed for 96 yards in his first career start, a 42-28 win over Rice.
By the Rangers, the Czar was referring to the famous lawmen from Austin, and not the baseball team in Arlington. Too bad Nolan Ryan couldn’t have belonged to the real Texas Rangers. John Wesley Hardin could have used a good noogying.
California 30, Texas 16
Air Force at Michigan State
The Spartans won their big game against Oregon 31-28, partly because Duck QB Vernon Adams didn’t know where to go with the ball when he kept it on the option. That won’t be a concern for AFA quarterback Nate Romine, who rushed for 116 yards and a score to stop San Jose State, 37-16. On the other hand, the flyboys can’t do a whole lot to test Sparty’s suspect secondary.
Does MSU wide receiver Macgarrett Kings really need that “Jr.” on the end of his name, as if to distinguish him from that other Macgarret Kings? If he wanted his name to get any longer, he might instead have called himself “Macgarrett Kings Kamehameha.”
It’s a wonder that the Falcons ever get any of their games in. The way things are today, you’d think the mere sight of their lightning bolt helmets would be enough to trigger a two-hour delay, as well as lots of high-pitched squealing.
Michigan State 23, Air Force 19
Illinois at North Carolina
Considering the circumstances under which Illini coach Tim Beckman was fired, it’s a wonder interim skipper Bill Cubit can get his guys to play hard at all. “Coach, I’ve got a strained anacanapuna, so I’m not practicing today. What are you gonna do about it?” We’ll see just how well he’s motivating them, now that their schedule starts to toughen up.
In the season opener, the Tarheels committed the only three turnovers of the game in a 17-13 loss to South Carolina. All of those giveaways came from the arm of Marquise Williams, whose end-zone interception squelched his team’s final possession.
Any team would be happy to have Fighting Illini quarterback Wes Lunt, because his name is a spoonerism for Les Wunt. The Czar doesn’t know what wunt is, but he’s pretty sure he’d rather not have so much of it.
Illinois 28, North Carolina 27
Northwestern at Duke
What a stinkin’ shame that the Blue Devils opened the renovated Wallace Wade Stadium last week in a phony game against I-AA Nc Central, instead of this clash with the Wildcats. That was bound to be the way it turned out, because of their predominantly weenie nonconference scheduling.
Pat Fitzgerald’s Cats haven’t given up a touchdown through two games. Not that a shutout of I-AA Eastern Illinois really means anything, but a 16-6 stuffing of Stanford is another story. NU held the Cardinal to 240 total yards, while going plus-two in turnovers.
Now that the stadium has been made more fan-friendly, perhaps it ought to start going by Wally. Who wants to hang around some guy named Wallace all afternoon, anyway?
Northwestern 22, Duke 10
South Carolina at Georgia
The Bulldogs bothered to finish last week’s game, unlike their opening lightning-shortened blowout of Louisiana-Monroe. In their SEC opener, they trudged past Vanderbilt 31-14. Tailback Nick Chubb fattened up his stat sheet with 189 yards on 19 carries.
In last season’s upset, the Cocks benefited from a controversial fourth-down conversion. If you look back at the replay, you’ll see that it was actually the measurement that generated controversy. Had the ball been spotted correctly, SC probably would have gotten the first down with a few inches to spare.
There’s a natural temptation to write off the Gamecocks after last week’s 26-22 loss to Kentucky, but keep in mind that they also lost to UK last year, but still defeated the Dogs. Starting quarterback Connor Mitch suffered a separated throwing shoulder, though, and will be out for 4-6 weeks. Carolina’s new starter will be Perry Orth, just in case you were wondering where the rest of the word went the last time you looked at a compass.
Georgia 26, South Carolina 17
Memphis at Bowling Green
These team’s offenses are as explosive as they were back in 2004, when they met in the GMAC Bowl, which was won by the Tigers, 52-35. Both of them bombarded big-league opponents a week ago, with the Tigers trouncing Kansas 55-23, and the Falcons manhandling Maryland, 48-27.
While this is just another game for BG, it’s a significant step up in competition for this 2-0 Tiger team, who beat up on I-AA Misery State in their opener. The Falcons took a loss in their opener against Tennessee, but by now, they’ve got to be almost in midseason form.
In Memphis, you’ll often see fans in the stands wearing Elvis costumes. At BGSU, they dress like PBA tour champions. The end result is pretty much the same.
Bowling Green 45, Memphis 41
East Carolina at Navy
No landlubbers allowed in this battle between the Pirates and the Naval Academy, the latter of which is playing its first conference game in the history of the program. It’s a good thing the Middies come pre-disciplined, or else it might take them a while to get going. Last week they were idle, and in Week 1 they might as well have been, rather than brushing aside I-AA Colgate, 48-10.
ECU’s unexpected starting quarterback Blake Kemp threw for 333 yards and three scores last week, but it wasn’t enough, because the Pirate running game got the pieces of eight beaten out of it for minus-13 yards, in a 31-24 loss to Florida.
It’s a little-known fact that seafaring folk came up with the term “landlubbers” because they found that “land galoshes” was kind of redundant.
Navy 47, East Carolina 33
Western Kentucky at Indiana
The Hilltoppers are among the tiny minority of teams that has a 2-0 record so far, with both victories against legitimate competition. On consecutive Thursday nights, they’ve knocked off Vanderbilt (14-12), and Louisiana Tech (41-38).
The Hoosiers, also 2-0, have had a pretty good 36-22 win over Florida International, but they barely escaped their opener against the I-AA Southern Illinois Salukis. They were actually outgained by SIU 659-595, but salvaged a W by foiling a last-minute two-point conversion attempt.
The Czar doesn’t understand the origin of WKU’s logo, but he’s glad to see they have towels on the hilltops in Bowling Green, Kentucky. As soon as they get plumbing, they’ll be all set.
Western Kentucky 55, Indiana 52
Yep, I think Kentucky’s going to finally end the streak. I was not impressed with our game against East Carolina.
TTU will whoop Arkansas. Toledo was just the warm-up act.
I can’t wait until my UAB Blazers come back in 2017.
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